Apply directly to the ...

OK, I think we've all suffered and seen the commercial for HeadOn.

"HeadOn -- apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn -- apply directly to the forehead. HeadOn -- apply directly to the forehead."

They even know that the commercial is annoying; they try to make fun of how annoying it is. No dice. Even more annoying.

These days, they've got ActiveOn, which is a pain reliever of sorts (I think), and FirstOn, an itch ointment. Clearly they are trying to branch out and expand their offerings.

So that got me to wondering where exactly they're going to go next.

Then it hit me: herbal male enhancement pills -- that's the big thing these days, right?

But what could they call it?

Hmm...

Okay, I'm bound to think of something. Just give me a few minutes...

Wild about Harry

I'm wearing my Chewbacca T-shirt in honor of my son, Harry, who would have turned 2 today.

Chances are you never got to meet him; we barely did ourselves. But I admired both his tendency to get hungry exactly a half-hour before it was time to eat and his luxurious mane of hair.

Really. He didn't have just a good amount of hair; he had a mop of Charles Ingallsian proportions.

I still think about him every day, and every now and then I wonder if he's messing with me, whether it's a butterfly dive-bombing me just as I walk out the door or the number on my McDonald's receipt being his birthday.

I'll get back to the off-color jokes and pop-culture memories later. Until then, raise a glass, mug or paper-bag-wrapped bottle (depending how your day is going) and toast my favorite Wookiee.

Apparently not.

I have two things to say about Fox's game show, "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?"

1. I learned of it during a commercial break from a NASCAR race (Brody likes to watch for the first 10 minutes or so). Draw your own conclusions about what Fox thinks of NASCAR fans. I bet they didn't advertise on the National Geographic channel.

2. Fifth-grader should be hyphenated.

The fever for the flavor

Did she just say "Once you taste the fluffer?" Discuss.

All hail the Shat

So it was William Shatner's birthday the other day -- happy birthday, Shat -- and it got me to thinking. I know he's written some books about his days on Star Trek, but has he written a full autobiography?

If not, I've got the perfect title:

Are you buy-curious?

UPDATE: Dumbass me fixed the mistyped link to my own store.

In case you haven't checked out the official Siftin' store yet (for shame), here's a look at one of the items you'll find there that doesn't have my face on it (no snide comments, please).


Aside from the thong with my face on it, I'd say this is the item that's getting the most interest from viewers.

Remember, this is your chance to support puerile humor.

What I wanted to be when I grew up, circa 1978

Pizza farmer

So what's on TV, yo? Part II

Wow, looks like a ho lot of programming lately. Is this a cooking show?

Don't harsh my mallow...

Honest to God, sometimes I just don't get me. Even after 32 years, I baffle myself sometimes.

I blame "Unwrapped." They featured the Valomilk, which is a chocolate and marshmallow confection from heaven. If you haven't had one, then for criminy sakes, buy some online. They're messy as all hell, but I love them.

So stupid me decides that some fresh marshmallow is just what the doctor ordered. After checking the Internet, I found a recipe. But I didn't have a few ingredients.

$21.63 and a trip to yon grocery store later, I had all I needed (plus some chips and fruit). But it would take too long to make them for me to start that night.

So that meant today when I got home from work. With supervision from my son, I got to work. At no time while I was mixing everything did I think it was going to work.

But damned if I didn't end up making marshmallows. They didn't look like the uniform kind you get at the store, but not bad for a first try, I'd say. I even coated a few in granulated sugar instead of the powdered sugar/corn starch mix. I tried one, and it was like biting into an impossibly fresh Marshmallow Peep.

No Valomilk, but still pretty tasty. Now that I am a marshmallow-making madman, I might try approximating a Valomilk. This may end up with my kitchen looking like the aftermath of the Ghostbusters vs. Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man battle, but I have to try in the name of science.

It ain't easy seein' green

Well, it's St. Patrick's Day again. Time for my annual failure to procure a Shamrock Shake from McDonald's. I don't even like them that much. It's the principle.

I explained my mild dislike of this holiday last year, so I won't go into it again...except to add this YouTube clip of a "Color Blindness Teste." If you think I'm going to make a joke about that, you're nuts.




But I am Irish (well, part Irish, anyway), so I feel obligated to do something to celebrate. I smell more YouTube clips coming...

Oh crap, it's Uncle O'Grimacey...



Shamrock Sundaes?



Oh, I get it... he's from Ireland.



And let's end on a triumphant note...

The Ballad of Mr. Mom

I'm going to do my best not to start ranting here, but there's something that just kind of bugs me when I see it, and it happens at least once a month.

It started with a bunch of airline mile points I needed to spend. Jetting off to the Strip wasn't really an option, so I decided to score some magazine subscriptions instead.

Being a parent, I decided to make Parenting and Parents two of my choices. I got my first issue of Parenting, and that's when the trouble began.

I never really noticed it before, but it seems that no one really expects dads to be participants in the whole parenting gig.

It's a worn-out sitcom gag that dad is clueless about things around the house, how to deal with kids, which brand of vodka is suitable for toddlers, stuff like that.

Page after page of Parenting (and Parents to a similar extent) is full of mom-centric ads and features.

I know you have to play to your audience, and I'm going to assume they've done enough research that shows that moms are their primary core readers.

However, despite the comments from various classmates, I am not a female.

There are mom polls, beauty-on-the-go tips and, as I just noticed on this month's cover, "What matters to moms." Sure, more often than not there's a token "Dad column," but it's usually in the back of the issue.

Well, I'm a dad, and with the schedule I work, I am with my son all day long, which is great. Well, you know what I mean. Sometimes the little barnacle drives me up a wall, but he's still awesome. But I'm the one with him most of the day.

I doubt I'm the only Mr. Mom out there, and seeing reference after reference to mom-oriented stuff with the implications (and sometimes not very subtle ones at that) that dads don't care is disheartening. I'm probably a little oversensitive, having already had to deal with being a guy who couldn't possibly give less of a crap about sport without the aid of an electron microscope.

I actually wrote a letter to Parenting and mentioned my concerns. I got a reply that asked to confirm my information so they could print the letter in a future issue. That was months ago, and unless I missed it (I am just a dad after all), they haven't used it yet.

I like looking for parenting tips, but they all seem so couched in the female frame of mind that it's really uninviting to me. There are a lot of dad blogs out there, and I've been checking those fairly regularly, but maybe they should change the magazine title to Momming or my personal favorite, Mother.

I can't help but picture the press crew getting ready to roll the presses, saying "All right, let's turn this Mother out."

Both magazines are full of good reading, but I feel like I'm sneaking a peek at Glamour or Ladies' Home Journal.

Although I have to admit, the Fresh Bloom Allover Colour compact looks pretty sweet, and it's only $29.50.

Why I'm not allowed near the kitchen spices with a Sharpie marker...

The fact that it's next to the nutmeg is just a happy coincidence.

Silly marketers, Trix used to be round already...

Wow. According to the commercial I just saw, Trix now comes in a "new" shape: puffs. I guess it's new to General Mills' target audience, but we immature types who still eat sugary cereal straight from the box (milk is for sucks) know better.

Let's take a look at Trix commercials, shall we? Somewhere on a video tape, I've got a commercial for Trix that predates the rabbit, but I can't find it right now.



He actually gets to eat some in this one:



This one is from TVDays.com, where I've gotten a metric buttload of commercial tapes. I love them all. If anyone ever needs gift ideas for me, that's the place to go.



This one is from my prime Trix-eating days. My first voting experience (and still most satisfying, alas) was when I voted for the Trix Rabbit to get some Trix.



I guess this shows you how old I am. I still think of the switch to fruit shapes is a relatively new change, but apparently they did it back in 1991. Oh well. I still feel like Bob Barker let his hair go white only a few years ago. Shows you what I know.

Bad Movies From A to Z Extra: The rules

When I watch movies for Bad Movies From A to Z, there are some rules that I follow, which, being the kind fellow I am, I will share with you. There is one pre-rule, if you will, that I recommend for others, even though I don't follow it myself.

Watch these with at least one other person.

A small group is even better, but if you have a friend with you, it makes the movie, no matter how bad it is, a little easier to get through. Misery loves company, after all. Plus, some movies really shouldn't be watched alone. This is why many of the movies on my list aren't actually that bad. As horror host Mr. Lobo (who, by the way, is a pretty swell guy) says, "They're not bad movies ... just misunderstood." Words to live by.

Here is the list. Commit it to memory. There may be a quiz later.

1. The movie MUST be watched all the way through without fast-forwarding. Not only is that cheating, but you may miss the one or two pieces of actual plot.

2. If a character in the movie mentions the title of the movie itself, everyone claps. Do this every time the title is mentioned. I suppose you could make a drinking game out of this, but most movies I've seen only pull this gag once or twice. There are exceptions, though.

3. Sobriety is not necessarily your friend. While I have been stone sober for every movie I've watched (strangely, I've never been drunk in my entire life), there are many times when I wished this wasn't the case. As always, drink responsibly, and, for the love of God, never mix beer and Clamato. Seriously. It's vile.

4. You must make fun of the movie. I know some people hate it when people talk during a movie, but this is the whole point. Trust me: it is no better in complete silence. You aren't going to miss the one line that makes it a good movie. It's just not there. Besides, not only will you be motivated to scream at the screen, but you may find yourself throwing things. See rule 9.

5. Snacks are imperative, because some of these flicks are snoozefests no matter what genre. You will need fuel. Plus, what kind of host are you if you have a bunch of people over and don't provide snacks? If anyone has issues with eating during splatter movies, try to find out before you order pizza. Nothing ruins the moment like having to pause the movie after someone does the old Technicolor yawn all over the floor.

6. There is no rule 6.

7. Swearing is encouraged. The more creative, the better. If you aren't much of a swearer, you will be after you sit all the way through something like Pieces and then see the ending.

8. Feel free to point out good parts of the movie. It never hurts to be charitable. But don't overdo it: "Wow, you can hardly see those strings..."

9. Try not to throw anything heavy at the TV. Popcorn's OK, but avoid empty bottles. Or people.

10. Double features are great if you've got the time. Clever pairings can make a painful experience a little more pleasant. Don't just go for the obvious, like Creepshow and Creepshow 2. You can try a classic pairing like I Drink Your Blood and I Eat Your Skin, or something a little different, like The Exorcist 2: The Heretic and All Dogs Go to Heaven. If you are too lazy, Something Weird Video offers a ton of double-feature discs.

11. A good rule of thumb: Sequels suck. They are, in fact, suquels. There are exceptions to this (Evil Dead 2, The Empire Strikes Back), but if the first one wasn't that good, odds are that the second one (and more to the point, the third, fourth and successive suquels) will be worse. That's good news for you, because that's what you want. You can also get cool double-feature discs from Something Weird Video.

12. Small budget does not always equal sucky movie. Just as big budget does not always equal good movie.

13. No matter how bad the worst movie you've seen is, there's always something out there that is worse. One that is so bad, it makes your previous worst movie look like Citizen Kane.

Now! Because no one demanded it!

Sure, there are still like 9 months until Christmas, but why wait until the last minute? Now you can get official Siftin' merchandise from my Cafe Press store, www.cafepress.com/siftin.

For your convenience, there's a link over there to the left.

Right now, there are a few shirts and some other items, all painstakingly rendered by yours truly. As I think of more things, I'll add them to the store. If there's something you're just dying to buy, let me know, and I'll see if I can add it.

Just think: You end up with a sweet T-shirt, and I can take that gumball off layaway. You can't lose!

She's a real looker

On this trip into the Siftin' movie vault, we check out a flick that features a former Daddy Warbucks as well as a member of the Partridge Family. And there's a neato-burrito light gun that's cooler than the one you'd end up playing Duck Hunt and Hogan's Alley with. What more could you ask from a movie? Nudity? Got you covered there, too, even though this is a PG-rated movie. God bless the 1980s.

The movie in a nutshell: A plastic surgeon who has performed oddly specific surgeries on models gets in over his head when his patients start ending up dead, and evidence points to a high-tech company.

The story: The movie begins with a fake commercial for Ravish perfume, which is followed by the pretty girl from the commercial, Lisa, asking Dr. Larry Roberts (Albert Finney) for very specific (and very minor) plastic surgery. He's done three actresses with lists already, but he agrees to perform this, his fourth. His colleague comments that's she's "really a looker."

Clapclapclap.

I like movies that don't screw around. Just bam, and you're off and running. In very short order, the story is set up, one of the characters mentions the name of the movie and the theme song plays over a montage of the plastic surgery, which, for extra bonus points, includes gratuitous breastage.

Nudity in the opening credits is one of the signs of a good movie. To their credit, they do manage to wait until a whole 2:32 into the movie, and it is in the context of the story.

After the beginning credits, Lisa, post-op, answers her door, and expecting it to be her boyfriend (or maybe the pizza guy, because hey, who doesn't like a fresh Cheesy Bites Pizza?), does so in her bra and panties. She opens the door, and there's a flash, along with a whooshing sound, and she's standing there motionless.

When she snaps out of it, she finds a gun case on her bed. She wonders if someone is there. Another couple of flashes, and Lisa gets tangled in the curtains on her balcony. She falls over the side, and the mysterious gunman leaves a ballpoint pen on one of her chairs. He also leaves a button. You suppose this will mean something later?

The next day, Friday, Dr. Roberts arrives at his office and catches up on what's going on. He's got a fundraiser at Reston Industries for the pediatric burns unit, along with routine surgeries.

When this was made, they didn't have Discovery Health piped in 24-7, with such lovely programs as "Face-Saving Surgery" and "Organ Transplants from a One-Legged Pygmy Albino Wombat," so it wasn't common to see footage of plastic surgery. This explains the now-unusual focus on surgery footage in this movie.

Larry's secretary mentions that the police called, but he doesn't know what it's about. Another patient, Cindy (Susan Dey), is in his office waiting for him. She says she just got back from Tahiti.

Lt. Masters from the police department is there to ask him about two patients, Lisa Convy and Susan Wilson. They're both dead, and Masters is looking for information. Susan drove into a cement divider, and Lisa was our swan diver.

Larry asks for their files, and they're gone. Masters asks him if he'd ever visited any of his patients, and he says no. Masters offers him the pen that was found in Lisa's apartment. Oh noes! It's Larry's pen! Even more mysterious, after Masters leaves, he finds that all the files of the girls with lists are gone.

As if on cue, Tina, another former patient, comes to him and tells him that "they" are killing all the perfect patients. She wants to be changed back. She asks if a big man with a mustache has been there before wigging out and leaving.

She leaves her purse in Larry's office. He finds a vial of cocaine and a list from a firm called Digital Matrix Inc. He has his secretary call Lt. Masters to let him know he's going to Tina's apartment.

At Tina's, we see her get flashed with the light. Larry gets there just in time to see her land on his car (I gave her a 9.7. She would've gotten the 10 but her legs split near the end) while he's looking her up on the building directory. He looks up and sees the "big man with a mustache" (and white man's fro, I should add) wearing silvery wraparound sunglasses that look like the Oakleys the bemulleted jocks used to wear when I was in high school.

Lt. Masters arrives, and he doesn't believe Larry's story.

Larry realizes that Cindy is the next on the list of girls, so he goes to find her. She's at a photo shoot. He asks Cindy to go to the fundraiser with him.

Mr. Reston (James Coburn) is eager to meet Larry, and they chat for a while. Reston offers to donate $4 million to Larry's burn-unit project. Over dinner, Reston mentions that he heard about the models' deaths. Larry mentions the link they had with Digital Matrix, which, surprise surprise, is a subsidiary of Reston Industries.

Reston and the head of Digital Matrix, Jennifer Long (Leigh Taylor-Young) wonder if Larry suspects anything.

The next day, Larry hangs out with Cindy while she's on a commercial shoot, which is being directed by computer more than by the actual director. She does take after take, trying to match what the computer wants. Larry checks out the Digital Matrix truck that's on site. Two guys are monitoring where the computer is projecting where Cindy should be in the frame. When they see Larry, they shut the truck door on him.

The commercial director says that Cindy needs to be measured by Digital Matrix. Larry accompanies her, and whle he's waiting for her, Long shows him around.

One of the things they do, she says, is track viewers' pupilary responses to regular commercials. Larry tries it out. The computer recreates the commercial to reposition the product where he was looking.

Cindy is off to get scanned by the computer because she is "perfect in her category." She has to disrobe and stand buck-naked on a platform in the middle of a big room filled with a bunch of machines. The platform drops into one of the machines, and it's there that she gets scanned. This takes forever; she stands on the rotating platform like she's being microwaved.

They are trying to create computer-generated models based on live models. He watches the computer process the audio, and the CG-Cindy says over and over, "I'm the perfect female type, 18 to 25. I'm here to sell for you."

After Larry leaves, Long and Reston discuss Larry and the fact that he swiped a security card. Long says they should search his place with the Looker device. She adds that they already took his file, pen and button without anyone knowing about it (thanks for the pitch to us slower viewers). He agrees but tells her to be careful.

Back at Larry's place, Cindy finds out that she's the only Digital Matrix model who had the special surgery who isn't dead. Larry says he's going to take care of her, but she wants to visit her parents and get some things first.

Her parents are mesmerized by an I Love Lucy rerun.

Back at Larry's place, the guy with the white man fro (played by Tim Rossovich, the character is called Moustache Man in the credits. I will call him Fro-Guy) is back. He blasts Larry a few times with the Looker gun and a few hours pass.

It doesn't have anything to do with the plot, but one of the commercials in the background boasts the immortal line, "Constipation is nothing to sneeze at."

Indeed.

Cindy returns and asks him what happened.

They go back to Reston Industries to take a look at the Looker Lab, since that was the only place he wasn't allowed in. The security card he pilfered won't let him into the main Looker Lab. Fro-guy is hanging out with the guard, and he sees the access card being used. He goes to check it out.

After a close call with a janitor bot, they resume their search for an entrance into the Looker Lab. Larry suspects that the janitor bot is their way in. They hitch a ride on it through the door. He finds a binder on a desk, and sees that Looker stands for "Light Ocular-Oriented Kinetic Emotive Responses."

That reminds me, I'm starting a school. It's called Siftin' Central Randy Educators and Wombats University, or just, well, I think you can connect the dots there.

Cindy watches one of the commercials playing on a monitor in the lab, and after watching for a minute, gets hypnotized and starts chanting "I want it." Strangely, the commercial is not about me or the blog.

The light pulse in the commercial is also the basis of the Looker gun. While Larry is explaining the weapon, Fro-guy is preparing to strike. He blasts Larry with the gun and beats the crap out of him. All the while, commercials are playing in the background. There's a nice slo-mo shot of Larry flying through a window. Fro-guy goes to shoot him again, but he's wearing the protective shades. Larry takes the gun and shoots him. While he's stunned, Larry uses his years of extensive ninja training and kicks him in the nads.

Cindy comes to, and they leave, setting off the alarm. Reston is getting ready for his big show, and he orders Larry to be eliminated.

While Cindy rests back at his office, Larry investigates a mysterious noise, Looker gun in hand. He goes to his office to call Lt. Masters but stops. He hears a noise again. He opens a door and sees smoke, which can diffuse the Looker effect. Cindy has been taken by some guys with machine guns.

He grabs a scapel out of a drawer and waits for his attackers. He cuts one of them, and they leave.

Sunday: Lt. Masters surveys Larry's office. Larry is out on the road, and Fro-guy is trying to flash him with the Looker gun while he's driving. Larry is so intent on his attackers that he almost plows down a pack of nuns, because as we all know, nuns are always crossing the street. That's all they do, apparently.

They manage to get a shot on him, and he wakes up in a park fountain with a bunch of people staring at him. When the police arrive, he's already sneaking away. A lady rats on him, but not before he hops in to the back of a police car. As it turns out, it's a Reston Industries security car. Sugar Bear Security says they have to keep him quiet until the big reception.

Larry finds that they don't know about Looker, so he zaps them and steals a uniform. He walks by Lt. Masters, who sees him but doesn't do anything. He narrowly avoids being spotted by Fro-guy.

Meanwhile, Cindy is being held by Long in a control room.

Reston is making his spiel about his new commercials with computer-generated actors while Larry is making his way up. Fro-guy catches him, but he gets away quickly.

While the presentation is going, Reston and Fro-guy head upstairs to get Larry. Larry ends up in a computerized studio. Now it's a cat-and-mouse game while the commercials are on.

One of the commercials features a CGI senator who is a candidate for the presidency. Did they kill him and replace him with this CGI version?

Another commercial features Cindy as a housewife. Larry pops up, much to the audience's amusement. Fro-guy sees Long behind a screen trying to get to Larry. Not knowing it's her, he shoots her. Before she dies, goes back up to the control room.

Fro-guy shoots at everything that moves, including a camera. Reston shoots at Larry but hits Fro-Guy dead in the forehead instead. While a commercial is being shot and being fed to the audience.

Fro-guy falls on a table that is to be used in the next commercial, which provides a humorous bit in which the kids are complaining about having to eat the same old breakfast -- while there's a dead guy on the table. The dad in the commercial also played the dad in Small Wonder.

Reston finds Long dead and goes back out to look for Larry. There's some more cat-and-mouse-osity between the two of them. Meanwhile, Lt. Masters is looking for Reston. As Reston shoots at Larry, Masters shoots Reston, who dies during a commercial for Spurt Toothpaste.

Larry and Cindy walk off the set together, without Masters asking and questions or even appearing again. The end.

Kthxbye.

Afterthoughts: The announcer in the Ravish commercial at the beginning sounds an awful lot like John Erwin, who did the voice for Morris the Cat and He-Man. And I missed her, but Vanna White is supposedly among the Reston Industries girls. That means she's been in two movies on the Bad Movies From A to Z list, having also appeared in Graduation Day. Kudos to her.

You know, this isn't half bad. Well, okay, it's half bad. But it's still kind of a neat idea for the time. It probably doesn't seem like much of a stretch having computer-generated models now as much as it did when this came out. But here's my thought: If they can place the computer models in the real set, why don't they use CG sets, too? Wouldn't that be easier and cheaper? It's like they thought partly ahead but didn't go all the way with the idea.

Of course, if they didn't use real sets, they wouldn't have had the big chase/shootout at the end, would they?

The entry for this movie on IMDB says that there's 15 minutes of extra footage that features Larry and Cindy trying to figure out Reston's motives for killing the models. That would've been nice to include on the DVD, because there are a lot of unresolved threads like that.

What was up with Senator Harrison?

Since he was in a Digital Matrix-produced ad, is he dead or is it just an example of RI's technology? Are we to assume that if he won the presidency, Reston would essentially be in charge, controlling this puppet president? That might work for TV appearances, but somebody's bound to notice that the guy is never in the Oval Office or making public appearances. And how did they talk him into undergoing the scanning process? It makes sense for a model, but why would a senator do it?

And at the beginning, his office called Larry to (presumably) get some work done. Given that he shows up later in a Digital Matrix commercial, did he get the work done somewhere else so he could be scanned into the system? If he was calling Larry on Friday, there's no way he would've been able to get the necessary work done, let alone heal enough to be scanned, killed and in the system by Sunday.

I also am skeptical about making changes to the millimeter. I know surgeons are good, but isn't healing a relatively inexact science? I've obviously never gotten any plastic surgery done (why mess with perfection itself?), so I'm not sure.

The models in the commercials supposedly emit a hypnotic pulse from their eyes, similar to the one the Looker gun produces. I'm assuming it's slightly different, as putting viewers into a motionless trance would keep them from seeing the commercial, right? Cindy seems hypnotized when she sees one of the commercials, which makes more sense. I just don't see why the gun is necessary, other than -- again -- to serve the ending and have a neat gimmick.

This reminds me a lot in terms of tone and general meh-ness of another Crichton effort, Runaway, which starred Tom Selleck. They're both decent enough way to pass the time, and they have a handful of memorable gimmicks and scenes, but the futuristic aspect doesn't hold up after a moment's thought. They end up coming off as being a bit sloppy.

Bonus points, though, for casting Susan Dey as a model. There's a shot when Cindy is at her parents' house where she walks by a bunch of pictures on the wall that appear to be from her actual modeling days.

I can't help but think that with a little effort, this could be remade, at the very least as a Sci-Fi Original. It's got some good stuff, but there's not enough story to go along with it. That's why they added the nudity, presumably. Gotta keep you paying attention, right?

This is a technique used to much less subtle effect (there's a character billed as Knothole Girl because the main character sees her chestal regions through a hole in a fence, and that's pretty much all there is to her part) in the movie I'll be looking at next time, Microwave Massacre.

You've been warned.

Hats off

I find that I have to resist the temptation to buy things at antique stores and thrift stores solely to talk about on the blog.

That said, here's a picture I snapped with my phone of a hat that I really wanted but couldn't justify spending $7.99 on, especially when I'd never be allowed to wear it.

Open your eyes and hear the magic

It's been a good few months or so for the old craphunter. I already found a copy of the Sgt. Pepper movie soundtrack with the swanky poster inside.

And now, while at the antique mall with my parents, I managed to find another crap movie artifact -- one I didn't even know existed.

I play a little bit of piano. Not well, but good enough that my son can recognize songs. Well, now I can wow him with my own renditions of the songs from Xanadu.

W00t.

Check it out:

And for only three-and-a-half bucks, I couldn't pass it up.

I don't know if I've ever explained my love for the stupid movie. When I was younger, we babysat a girl from my class. She was a little older than me, and consequently, bossy. Third-graders, you know? Our class was structured so we didn't have homework, and every now and then, we'd watch a movie, because we were one of the few families who had a VCR at the time.

My favorite movie was Superman II, where hers was Xanadu. So to avoid arguments, we alternated who got to pick the movie. In truth, it wasn't torture for me to watch Xanadu, even though I certainly made her think so. I liked the ELO songs in particular, and I also thought Olivia Newton-John was a fox.

So over the course of a few weeks, I ended up watching it roughly 70,000 times. I owned the soundtrack album, to boot. It took up permanent residence in the nooks and crannies of my brain, where it lives today, over two decades later.

I'd go into more detail, but I have to save it for when I get up to X for Bad Movies From A to Z. Hey, it was either that or Xtro.

To whet your appetite, here's the trailer.

Only three feet tall

If I were smart, I'd've just read the link and moved along. But no, I'm a moron, so I clicked on it. I managed to avoid hearing but a few seconds of it in years past, but I was intrigued.

Lost footage?

I'm a sucker for the lure of the forbidden, what can I say?

Via the fine folks at PCL LinkDump, I give you the Lost Footage of The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.

Oh, you're welcome.

So what's on TV, yo?

And no, that's not Cinemax.