Saturday, June 07, 2008

What's in a name?

The ever-enterprising Michelle Collins at Best Week Ever has compiled a list of The 50 Best Pun Stores.

I love these things, because unlike most people, I admit to liking puns. Puns, of course, are like the flatulence of the joke world; everyone can make them, and most of them stink.

That said, if I ever become a restaurateur, I have a few restaurants in mind:

My Tony Roma's competitor, Ribs For Your Pleasure; Donut Make My Brown Eyes Blue; my bakery, Pie R Squared (no round pies here; that's part of the gimmick); and of course, my sushi restaurant, Eat Me Raw.

However, I had nothing to do with the naming of the following restaurant, no matter how much I wish I had:

Even funnier than Bunghole Liquors...

Awe. Some.

Friday, June 06, 2008

Separated at birth?

Who would notice this if I didn't?

Ambassador Dictator Phantom, the bad guy from Prince of Space,

HA ha ha ha! HA ha HA HA!

and arch-nemesis of Rainbow Brite, Murky Dismal:

I suck (color).

Thursday, June 05, 2008

In sickness and in hell

I'm still working on getting over this damned cold. My brain feels just fine, but my body feels like it was beaten by little men.

Through the miracle of science, we're able to see what my body says to my brain when it tries to make me move. We truly spare no expense here. There aren't any words, but I think you'll get the idea.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Like a rickroll with poo

There are very few things I haven't seen on the Internet--whether I actually wanted to or not.

That said, I've still managed to steer clear of watching "Two Girls, One Cup," though I've seen videos of people seeing it for the first time. Now that's entertainment. Likewise, I've also avoided the even more repulsive "Four Girls Fingerpainting."

Now if you have no idea just what in the hell I'm blathering on about, consider yourself lucky. And for the love of God, don't look it up. Same goes for Goatse and Tubgirl. You can get a (mercifully) picture-free explanation at Wikipedia, but trust me, you don't want to know.

The lure of the forbidden is hard to resist. Half of you are more tempted to look this stuff up every time I say not to, so don't blame me. That's how I learned about most of the big Internet shock sites.

You think, "Well, come bad can it be?"



I don't know what the next gross-out video meme is going to be. I mean, how do you top what is essentially a rickroll with poo?

Of course, by the time you read this post, e-mails will be crossing the globe, daring friend worldwide to check out "Three Girls, a Yeti, a Frozen Turkey, Two Grapefruits, Half a Tub of Cool Whip and the Collected Poetry of Rod McKuen."

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Cruel summer

Some songs will always remind me of summer, no matter how many times I hear them. I used to listen to my radio while I waited to fall asleep every night. If I was lucky, a relatively cool breeze would blow in just over the head of my bed, a respite from the day's oppressive heat.

And when I say summer, I lived in a part of California where we had two seasons: hot and cold. Summer to me could very well have been in April, but when you're wearing shorts and still sweating your ass off, it seems summery.

Interestingly, the three songs that remind me the most of summer despite having heard them a bajillion times in the years since they were new all came from the same summer. So now I'll make a little like Casey Kasem and do a mini countdown.

3. "All I Need is a Miracle," by Mike + The Mechanics

Released in March 1986, this had been a radio staple for a while by the time it seared itself into my memory. At the end of sixth grade, we had a pool party. The radio was tuned to the local Top 40 station, and for one of the few times that school year, I didn't feel like a total outsider.

Sure, I wore a T-shirt in the pool because I was self-conscious and I wore my glasses so I could, you know, see, but I didn't get much crap about it that day. Everyone was busy having fun.

You know how when you're a kid, everything compresses to a single point sometimes? For a moment in that pool, with this song playing in the background, everything just kind of came together and I actually felt happy. I thought that maybe seventh grade wouldn't be so bad. For that brief pinprick in time, there was hope.

Happy moments come fairly rarely in middle school, so it's not surprising that they stay with you.

2. "Human," by The Human League

Released in August 1986, I don't think this hit the charts till at least September, by which time seventh grade had started, but it was still pretty hot. Plus, since that feeling of hope hadn't quite panned out thus far, it suited my melancholy attitude. I know it's not really about feeling alienated, but since I felt that way in junior high school, anything the slightest bit sad was an anthem for not fitting in.

"What Am I Doing Hanging 'Round" by The Monkees served a similar purpose, so you see how little I paid attention to the lyrics. What can I say? I was emo before emo was emo.

1. "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off," by Jermaine Stewart

Now it's not so much that I particularly liked this song, though I kinda did. But it hit the charts in May 1986 and was in heavy rotation--one of those songs they played every hour.

It didn't occur to me at the time that the song referred to AIDS; I just thought it was a song about abstinence in general. And honestly, selling abstinence to a hopeless nerd is like selling Crayolas to the blind. Though I have to admit that I was puzzled even then. The message I got: Sex = bad; drinking cherry wine = A-OK.

Seemed to me that if you drank enough cherry wine, you had a better chance of taking your clothes off. But I was a miserable, cynical 11-year-old, so I could've been wrong.

Still, this morning, more than 20 years later, I heard this song on my way to work, and for a second I was back in my bed, waiting to fall asleep and hoping for a cool breeze.

Fortunately, I wasn't driving.

Monday, June 02, 2008

This, ladies and gentlemen, in lieu of actual entertainment

I'm trying to stave off the latest cold to bless our household, so to conserve brainpower, here is yet another example of how almost everything is funnier set to the music from The Benny Hill Show.

And yes, I know it's called "Yakety Sax," but if I say that, then I have to explain for the benefit of those who don't know that it was used as the theme for the show, and I don't really want to go to the trouble of typing all that.