TV Guide crosswords make me feel smart

I've been on a TV Guide crossword puzzle kick lately, partly because of an ongoing research project I'm trying to tame (it's mentioned in the penultimate post before my hiatus), and partly because it's awesome that in any given puzzle, Abe Vigoda is apt to be one of the clues.

Seriously.

I have the gigantic TV Guide crossword puzzle book, which spans entire decades, and I also have a small pocket-size compilation I picked up in 1992 and promptly stored for almost 20 years. I've just about filled that one up during the train ride portion of my commute.

Aside: My commute consists of a 15-20 minute drive to a park-and-ride lot, a hour-to-hour-and-a-half bus ride to BART, and then 45 minutes to an hour on BART to the office. Round trip, that's close to 6 hours a day. So if I seem punchy in a blog post, I may have written it while commuting. You have been warned.

The older puzzles from the 1950s are probably the hardest, not just because I'm not as familiar with the shows, but because they don't contain as many slow-pitch clues and answers. A recurring pair of clues are like 33 Down: A comedy program | 6 Across: Host of 33 Down. Was there really that little on back then? I think not. The puzzles from the 70s and 80s are the easiest, since damn near every clue reminds me of something I used to watch as a kid. It's weird; I read TONS of books as a kid, and I remember playing outside a bunch, but the amount of 50s-80s TV programming that is locked in my brain breaks some kind of math.

Over the course of doing dozens of puzzles, with clues both hard and easy ("'Magnum __ (abbr.)"), there are certain "crossword words" that stick out, like eel, alee, alit, oleo; filler words that no one outside of puzzle circles has probably encountered.

But these being TV Guide puzzles, there are certain TV-related standbys as well. Abe Vigoda is one, mostly for his first name, though occasionally for his character's name (Fish, of course). Actress Sue Ane Langdon came up an awful lot, almost always thusly: "Actress Sue ___ Langdon." Ane is great for filling spots in your puzzle. While the name sounded familiar, I couldn't figure out exactly why. I looked her up on IMDB.com and saw that she'd been in scores of TV shows since the late 1950s. But then I saw the one credit that explained why I recognized her name.

Zapped! (1982) 

Rose Burnhart

"Do I have to, Miss Burnfart?"

Ah, yes, the teacher from the classic cable-TV mainstay of the early 80s with the dream team of Scott Baio and Willie Aames. I have a soft place in my heart for this movie, presumably with a soft spot in my brain to match. You've seen it, I hope? Baio plays a nerdy kids who accidentally gains telekinetic powers after a lab experiment. Imagine if "Carrie" had been melded with "Charles in Charge" and you're pretty much there, except during the prom at the end, telekinesis is used to remove girls' clothes instead of killing everyone.

It is, I must say, the best film to ever incorporate a dream sequence that involves Scatman Crothers (no relation to anyone involved with the "Human Centipede" movies), pot, Albert Einstein, and salami. You doubt me?

It's even better if you close your eyes and imagine it's Hong Kong Phooey talking to Einstein.

Crossword puzzling

I picked up The Biggest Book of TV Guide Crossword Puzzles Ever recently, and while doing a puzzle yesterday, I had the distinct impression that I'd done it before.

Sure enough, I had. For this blog, no less.

But I noticed something weird. The clue for 31 down in the old TV Guide I had was "Adjective for Cher." The answer was "exotic."

In the reprinted version, the clue is "Possible adjective for Indian food."

I doubt many people aside from me would catch such a thing, but why did they make the change?

The answers revealed!

So how did you do on the crossword? Too hard? Too easy? Too pointless?

Pop culture freakout crossword puzzle

Okay, crossword fiends, this one might be a little tougher than the old-school TV Guide crossword puzzles I've featured before.

Well, tougher for you; I know all the answers already because I wrote the puzzle. These are all things I could answer without consulting reference material or the Internet.

If you can finish the puzzle without any help, then you are as big of a freak as I am. But don't feel bad if you have to look something up. That just means you have a life and are probably well-adjusted socially.

Special thanks to pal Jessica, who made me aware of the program I used to make this puzzle, which you can get here.



Across
1. You went to this store? Tell a friend (two words).
3. Score over 50,000 points on this Activision game to get a Sub Club patch.
6. What to say if you want to get slimed on You Can't Do That on Television (three words).
7. His real name means "star child" in his native language.
9. Proprietor of the Pizza Time Theater (three words).
13. In this craptacular 1980 musical, the sun rises in the west in the first 10 minutes of the movie.
16. Creature that attacks Luke Skywalker in the garbage masher aboard the Death Star.
17. The first Christian antidrug, turkey vampire biker movie (two words).
19. 5th-dimensional imp who pesters Superman every 90 days.
20. Host of Battle of the Network Stars.
21. Last name of The Greatest American Hero: Ralph _______.
22. If I were a Popsicle, I'd be this flavor.
23. Hulk's secret identity in the comics: _____ Banner.
26. Location of the Hall of Doom.
28. Preferred biscuit of Bill Maxwell.
29. Dragon faced by Dig Dug.
30. Bear on B.J. and the Bear was this kind of animal.
32. Last episode of Star Trek: _________ Intruder.
35. Super ____ Osborne
36. Funny no matter what everyone else says.
38. Protagonist of The Phantom Tollbooth
39. Tom Fitzgerald had a great one.
40. First host of Creature Features.
42. Rosco P. Coltrane's epithet of choice.
44. Director who also wrote under the name of Akdov Telmig.
46. Only Super Powers Collection action figure I never got.
47. Jack and Janet's first roommate after Chrissy on Three's Company.
48. Occupation of Charlie Brown's father.
49. He's a cereal killer (two words).


Down

2. Typical answer on Match Game.
3. Last name of the original Ronald McDonald.
4. Dukes of Hazzard spinoff
5. Home planet of Sinestro.
8. He set fire to the Bradfords' home while playing with a soldering iron.
10. Video-game-themed game show.
11. The best place to be marooned with wisecracking robots.
12. What color underwear Lois Lane wears in Superman.
14. First name of the killer in the original Friday the 13th.
15. Zan and Jayna's home planet.
16. Builders of tasty crystalline construction on Fraggle Rock.
18. Ronald Raymond and Prof. Martin Stein originally joined together as this hero.
20. The hottest place north of Havana.
24. My favorite Brady girl.
25. Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, get your ______ here.
27. Tastes good like a cigarette should.
31. 1983 Bill Bixby/Mariette Hartley comedy: Goodnight ________.
33. Wrote the music for the 1980 movie Popeye.
34. Pebbles' and Bamm-Bamm's pal with bad luck.
37. This Teen Titans villain was also Raven's father.
41. No. 12 on the 70s-era Oakland Raiders.
43. The Saving Place.
45. Hulk's secret identity in the 70s TV show: ______ Banner.

Crossword results: Fountains of win

How did you do on the crossword challenge?

I actually had to consult two reference books--which meant I had to go all the way down into the garage--but I managed to finish it all without the use of the Internet, just like the pioneers did all those years ago.

It's somehow fitting that one of the answers in the puzzle was "ass." At least, my wife thinks so.

Here's my work, screw-ups and all:

Jeff's No-Internet Challenge!

Okay, technically, it's mostly a challenge for me, but if you want to join in the fun, have at it. Here's the deal:

Below, I have scanned in a TV Guide crossword from the week of Nov. 2, 1974. Yes, I'm that much of a nerd that I have a copy of the TV Guide that was current the day I was born, right down to the right regional edition. But that's not important right now.

TV Guide puzzles, by and large, are not known for their difficulty. However, how would I fare at one that demanded pop culture knowledge from 33 and a half years ago? And just to make it interesting, I can't use any Internet resources; only whatever would've been at my disposal back in 1974.

Like I said, you can give it a shot yourself. I'll be back tomorrow to see how we all did. Let me know how you did in the comments if you'd like.