Bad Movies From A to Z: You blew it

I was on the horns of a dilemma as to which movie to feature for the P installment of Bad Movies From A to Z. The easy choice would've been Plan 9 From Outer Space. My second choice was Pieces, but my brain exploded when I tried to write down the plot.

So instead, I thought I'd go for a movie that I bet not many people have in their libraries. Kermit Schafer's feature-length documentary based on his book and record series, Pardon My Blooper.

The movie in a nutshell: Various TV and radio bloopers are replayed and in many cases, re-enacted. Poorly.

The story: Okay, this really doesn't have much of a story. Schafer, essentially the father of the blooper as we know it, had been amusing millions with his books and records that relayed the bits from radio and TV shows that otherwise would have hit the cutting room floor.

It seems an odd choice for a full-length movie now. There are a few yoks here and there, but your attention really flags near the end. This R-rated feature was released to theaters (!) in May 1974, and to be fair, we hadn't yet suffered the barrage of blooper shows of the early 80s when you not only had TV Bloopers and Practical Jokes with Dick Clark and Ed McMahon (practically the direct descendant of this movie) but Foul-Ups, Bleeps and Blunders with Steve Lawrence and Don Rickles, as well as the occasional Life's Most Embarrassing Moments special with Steve Allen.

Back in the day, this was the one of the first video exposures many had to bloopers (the blooper reels shown at early Star Trek conventions also come to mind). But a few years after this movie was released, you could see movie bloopers during the end credits of many a Burt Reynolds movie.

Now while Schafer had much to do with the proliferation of hearing and seeing outtakes, he also re-enacted many gaffes based on reports from broadcasters. And in a bit of overreaching to share a funny story, he also re-created bloopers that were actually urban legends.

Probably the most infamous fake recording was the "Uncle Don blooper." You can read about it in more detail at Snopes.com.

The Uncle Don clip is played during the opening credits, and it is one of two different versions I've got on the old blooper records. Matters of truth aside, were closing songs to kids' shows really that bad?

"Good night, little kids, good niiiiiiight. We're off? Good. Well, that oughtta hold the little bastards."

After that gem, we find that what we're watching is clips from the records dubbed over stock footage, people recreating (badly in many cases) bloopers over stock footage and on special occasions, dreadfully re-enacted clips in which people don't even try very hard to lip-sync to the audio.

I'd love to post a clip to show just how bad some of the clips are re-enacted, but I don't have the resources. Go on Amazon or eBay and pick up a copy of the tape for a few bucks. Trust me.

And let's talk about that title song. "The Blooper Song (You Blew It)" is sung by Danny Street, who should not be confused with Danny the Street from Grant Morrison's run on Doom Patrol.

I think.

It's a Sinatra-esque number that consists primarily of repeating "You blew it...you blew it, you blew it, you blew it." There are a few other words, but not as many as you'd hope to break up the monotony.

I should warn you now. The damn thing will be stuck in your head forever.

The key novelty of this movie is hearing dirty words and seeing a boob or two. These days, it's all pretty tame, but if you, like me, are permanently 12 years old (no offense to real 12-year-olds, who are undoubtedly more mature), you may find yourself giggling when you hear the phrase "pubic service announcement."

For shame. Honestly...

Here are some other gems from the movie:

From a commercial for a butcher: "Remember ladies, nobody can beat Charlie MacFarlane's meat...oh, no..."


"Stay tuned now for a dramatization of Dickens' immortal classic, A Sale of Two Titties...er, A Tale of Two Cities."

"...the Canadian Broadcorping Castration."

It's actually kind of neat to see vintage stock footage from the 60s and 70s.

My biggest pet peeve is the poor audio re-enacting. You've got a few lines to say. How hard is it not to stumble over or otherwise kill the joke?

"With the 7 on the side--and--uh, U-P after, huh-huh-huh..."

Having watched this movie so many times growing up, my brother and I quote from it constantly, and I have yet to meet anyone who picks up on the references. Hell, we may be the only ones.

"Where'd the son-of-a-bitchin' dog come from?"

"Who goosed the soprano?"

"...the largest producer of magnoosium, aleeminum and stool."

"Clear up to my ass--ankles!"

The big event (and probably the reason for this movie's R rating) comes when they relate the story of how a TV station accidentally broadcast a stag movie late one night. I have no idea if the clips they show were from the actual incident (why would they start now, right?), but you can see a brief bit of nudity, over which we hear what supposedly are early-morning calls to the station.

Uh, yeah.

And then it's back to tame slips of the tongue. Well, aside from a mispronunciation of Kentucky Fried Chicken (you figure it out), anyway.

The other big segment is about Orson Welles' "War of the Worlds" broadcast, which they inexplicably refer to as a blooper.

Again, the big build-up, and then more regular clips.

There's a re-enacted clip from "The Newlywed Game," but it's not the infamous clip you may have heard of.

At the end, a little bit of the "You Blew It" song plays, and then fade to black.

Afterthoughts:

I managed to snag this movie at Kmart for $9.99. We swung by Subway on the way home and got a pastrami sandwich with black olives, a sandwich I think of every time I watch this.

Now I'm hungry.

Damn.

I would be willing to bet that I've seen this movie more times than anyone else on the planet, which is sad for a number of reasons, the least of which is--it's really not that damned funny.

I think if I had seen it for the first time now, I'd probably have ejected and burned it about 15 minutes in. But since I was a teenager when I got it, this flick has a bit of nostalgic appeal. Still, even when I was 15, I remember feeling screwed when I found that there were no "real" bloopers in it.

However, there is still some kind of appeal to Schafer's collections of bloopers. The books are actually the most giggle-worthy, as they have all kinds of swears in them, many of which I presume didn't make the cut on the records.

I have a few of the record collections (billed as "A Treasury of Radio and TV's Most Hilarious Boners"), and interestingly enough, on two separate volumes, the Uncle Don blooper is featured.

But here's the funny part: the "authentic" clips are completely different recordings. If you're going to BS the masses, at least keep it straight. I mean, seriously...

If you want a sample of what I'm talking about, a cursory Google search will yield a bounty of fun. Just to get you started, there's a best-of compilation at Shoddity.com.

I'm actually surprised this hasn't gotten the dollar-store DVD treatment yet; if and when it does, my stupid ass will buy it, I'm sure.

How can you pass up a movie with lines like "...Mayor Friedman has just ordered all families near or adjacent to the Mill River to ejaculate immediately."?

Counting down the hours...

I'm getting ready to check out Skidoo at long last. Being a Harry Nilsson fan, I've already listened to the soundtrack, and now I'll get to see how the songs fit in with the movie.

And special thanks to Mark Evanier for putting out the word about this being on Turner Classic Movies and making the swell banner above.

Tonight at 2 a.m. Set those Tivos, kids. If you see only one movie in which Jackie Gleason trips out on LSD, make it this one.

O is for 'Oh, hell no!'

Sometimes you can just smell quality when perusing movie titles, especially if you have synesthesia. Take the latest winner in the Bad Movies From A to Z sweepstakes: Over 18...and Ready. This review may not be suitable for all audiences. The movie is suitable for no one...

Also at this point, I'd like to mention the scarcity of movie titles that begin with "O."

The movie in a nutshell: Girl goes to Hollywood to be an actress and starts from the absolute bottom. I think that's what happens in the movie, too, for that matter.

The story: Honestly, it doesn't start off too bad. It's a travelogue of sorts, showing you what Hollywood looked like back in the day, which, judging from the marquees we see (Paper Lion, Camelot, Barbarella) I'm going to guess late 1968, early 1969. This was supposedly released in August 1969.

I should mention that despite that film date, the movie is in black and white, which to someone of my generation, still makes me think it should be a lot older.

At any rate, after 2 minutes of Hollywood, we get our title card, and a splendid one at that.


Barney Merritt, hip mogul at Nu-Art Continental Pictures, bemoans the lack of starlets for his newest project. And given that he refers to them as "broads," one gets the impression that he's not working on one of those Merchant Ivory pictures.

His secretary, Lyn Stevens, aside from having a bra so pointy that it's an occupational hazard, also has a desk setup that would send any workplace ergo evaluator into conniption fits. Her typewriter is in front of her, sure, but her phone is off to the left of that, so when she answers it, she reaches across with her right hand to speak into the receiver while reading from the script surreptitiously placed in front of her.

Clearly, her mind is on other things than ergonomic safety. In fact, she wants to be in Barney's next picture, even though, as he points out, he makes exploitation films.

No problem, says she. She came to Hollywood to be an actress. You've gotta start somewhere, right?

Right?

Later, Barney complains to his wife, Billie, about the casting situation. His wife, you can tell, is married to an important Hollywood type because she wears an ascot and smokes with a cigarette holder. Tres cool. But before he gets too into the conversation (like after two sentences), he realizes that darnit, he left his briefcase at work. On a Friday evening, no less.

Oh noes!

Billie suggests that he call Lyn. At home. You know, rather than just get off his lazy ass and drive back to work and get it himself. That's why they have help, I suppose.

He calls, and wouldn't you just know it? She's in the tub when the phone rings. Ain't that always the way? Oh well. Lyn, as we find out, is a very thorough bather. I don't think they missed an angle from which to show her scrubbing something.

When Barney explains that he needs his briefcase before going back to work Monday (maybe it has the soul of Marsellus Wallace or something), Lyn's 5K brain hatches a plan.

On Saturday morning, Lyn goes to a photographer to get some nude shots taken of her. That way, she reasons, she can show that she has the parts for the part. I hope Barney likes what she looks like, because she can't do a natural line reading to save her life. Even in post-production looping.

Let's talk briefly about pacing, shall we? No, not like the kind you're apt to do while this is on your TV. In the crap movies I've seen, nudity is often used to keep the viewers' attention. Intro, boobs, story, story, scare, story, boobs, etc.

So why do we need to see her complete nude photo shoot only minutes after we saw her bathe? I realize it's the next day and all, but damn. Even better, the skeevy photographer decides to take an alternate form of payment for the rush developing job. Maybe it's just me, but photography aside, if this is how you accept payment, I wouldn't make a big point of how fast you can get done.

Bow-chicka-bow-bow.

On the plus side, he's fully clothed while he makes out with her, and there's an arty cut to an acoustic guitar (no G string joke here, folks) before anything too graphic.

Sunday morning rolls around, and Lyn dutifully brings Barney's briefcase. Lyn meets Barney's wife, Billie, who talks to her about the movie Barney is working on. Billie doesn't beat around the bush.

"You have a very nice body, my dear," she says.

Skeeeeeevy....

"Do you think you can act?" she asks.

"Oh, I know I can," Lyn replies. "And you don't have to be the best actress in these kinds of movies." True. A very meta moment for a late-60s movie, don't you think?

Billie helpfully mentions that she's going out of town for a few days. Even more, dinner's already done -- Billie says that since she's leaving, Lyn should stay. Right. Uh-huh. That could happen. In the bedroom, Billie asks Barney if he's going to use Lyn for the movie. She says he should see the pictures of Lyn in his briefcase.

"Au naturel," Billie says.

"You're kidding. In the nude?"

This brilliant deductive reasoning, no doubt, is why this cat is a studio head, even if it is a crap studio.


Billie demands that he use Lyn. In the movie as well, I presume, but I may be overthinking this. Barney acts all butthurt about his wife's demands. Yes, it's a stone-cold bitch when your wife demands that you use your giant-racked secretary in your next flesh feast and have her over for dinner as well and forces you to look at naked pictures of her.

It appears to be a case of Barney protesting too much, because once Billie's out of the picture, he decides to butter Lyn up to appear in his film.

OMG.

"How do you think all the other dames make it in this business? On their backs, of course." -- Barney, on why Lyn should bone him.

She has to think about it. See, darling Lyn has some standards. Sure, she got nudie pics taken of herself and then stuck them in her boss' briefcase, but still, she's not that easy. You know, I don't think they covered this kind of scenario in those videos you have to watch at work during sexual harassment training.

Ah, romance. With the precision skill of a surgeon (who is not only blind drunk on moonshine but also had both arms fall asleep), Barney undresses her, and I'd imagine that an inflatable doll would have a more lifelike countenance. I'd have to ask my brother to be sure (rimshot).

Seriously. It's like watching boobs on a plank of wood. But less realistic.

Lyn gets, um, more employment questions, and sure enough, there are openings to be filled. She gets the position.

But oh, snap! She hauls ass out of there while Barney's asleep. This bird has flown, Norwegian Wood.

On Monday morning, Gary the skeevy photographer asks Lyn on a date to celebrate her impending stardom, to which she agrees.

And next, without the benefit of transitions or segues, Barney goes over the ins and outs (so to speak) of exploitation film shooting.

Meanwhile, poolside at Chez Merritt, Billie and Martha the Maid swim in the nude and soak up some rays. I don't know what they're paying Martha, but it can't possibly be enough to be rubbing suntan lotion on Billie.

But wait, wasn't Billie supposed to be gone for a few days? Yep. But she came back early, which really frosts Barney's cheese wheel.

"You just can't wait to get your hands on her," Barney says upon her early return.

Cut to Lyn and Gary out on their date. They're parked out on some kind of lovers' lane. She says they can't go further in their relationship. It's too complicated.

"Uh-huh," Gary says, and the camera pans away as they play some tonsil hockey.

Some time later (see, the scenes are just shown in order without any great effort at establishing date and time. There's no tomorrow or yesterday, it's just next. Next. Next.), Lyn visits the Merritts. Billie looks a bit eager and tells Martha the Maid to take care of their guest. In most of the other movies I've reviewed, that would mean that Lyn is about to meet an untimely end. But in this flick, well, you do the math.

Lyn takes a second as soon as she's in her guest room to break a date with Gary, and as you can imagine, he's not happy.

The next day, Billie and Lyn are on the beach. Billie, who looks as though she's seen the sun a lot, helpfully slathers Lyn with sunblock, paying special attention to her chesticles. Don't want those babies getting burned, do we? Then all of a sudden, it's a girl-on-girl From Here to Eternity homage.

Back on the ranch, Martha the Maid brings Barney breakfast in bed. Main course: Martha.

Again, she can't possibly be paid enough. For reasons unknown, she bolts out of bed and dives into the pool. By the time I looked up from my notebook again, they were back in bed performing the rejected video for "Ebony and Ivory."

Finally, the first day of shooting arrives. Huzzah. Lyn's character is tied to a pole, stripped, and whipped. Maybe it's a movie about Joan of Arc or something. The shots seems to follow a formula: show up, get naked, repeat.

Now that I think about it, Billie reminds me a little of Mrs. Roper from Three's Company. So if you ever fantasized about the Ropers getting it on, this movie was made for you. Forty-seven minutes in and I finally realize that Barney and Billie are both supposed to be horny and middle-aged. Barney just looks like he had a mishap with some white shoe polish and guyliner.

Next (see what I mean?), Gary reveals his love for Lyn. And then, because he's Mr. Effing Smooth, he says, essentially, all the other chicks Barney employs end up in the sack with him -- how about you?

And while we're reeling from that lost scene from Love Story, Barney says shortly after to Lyn that he only stays with Billie because of her money. Once his movies have made the fortune they obviously will, he can kick her to the curb. Ah, young love.

Jilted Gary tries calling Lyn at home to no avail because she's once again staying with the Merritts. She also has to take another bath. And in case we forgot what that experience is like, we get to see it again. In the same order. She is obviously a creature of routine.

Oddly, the Merritts seem to have the exact same tub as Lyn's. Or they just reused the bath footage, thinking that the viewer would be so distracted by nakedosity that he wouldn't notice.

No number of baths are going to make me feel less dirty for sitting through this crapfest. Not even with a full box of Mr. Bubble.

And because Lyn hadn't been naked onscreen with Martha the Maid yet, Martha rubs moisturizer on Lyn after her bath. Who says you can't get good help these days?

At this point, I notice that the film is nearing the end of its supposed running time, and it's nowhere near a logical chain of events for an ending. I think the filmmakers noticed this too, as things start to move quicker. Or to be more precise, even more disjointedly.

Billie, Barney, Martha the Maid and Lyn hang out on the back porch, either watching footage from Barney's movie or having flashbacks.

Afterward, they share a joint before Billie and the nude-except-for-her-apron (sure, why not?) Martha the Maid head back down to the beach. While they're out, Barney decides that he wants to do the bow-chicka-bow-bow with Lyn, who, showing at least a few synapses firing, says no.

Gary arrives at Chez Merritt and sneaks into the house. He stumbles upon the pot remnants and hears Lyn telling Barney to leave her alone. Gary busts in, punches Barney, flees, and drives away in his car, leaving Lyn to chase after her Prince Charming.

While she drives after him, she thinks about all the things that have happened to her in the period of time the movie covered, which is a dandy excuse for reusing yet more footage. The cuts get more and more rapid, presumably as her state of mind gets more and more erratic.

Finally, it's all too much for her, and she plows into a tree and dies. But at least she has the presence of mind to die with one boob hanging out. Rest in peace, classy lady...

Afterthoughts: Well, that sucked.

I'm not going back to check -- one viewing was more than enough -- but I believe this is the first movie wherein pube continuity was a problem. In her first bath scene, she's like Kojak, has a fro on the beach with Mrs. Roper, and then is clean-shaven again a day or so later when she bathes again. Either they did indeed reuse the bath footage from the beginning of the movie, or Lyn has the world's fastest growing hair.

Oh. Um, I hope you weren't eating when you started reading this.

This movie has it all: plotless plot that makes The Bikini Carwash Company seem plausible, inane dialogue, feeble acting, and boobies, boobies, boobies.

All with a running time of 66 minutes, part of which is repeated footage. You can watch this film thanks to the wonderful folks at Something Weird Video, without whom these kinds of films, as bad as they are, would be lost forever. Over 18 and Ready is the back-end of a double bill DVD with Alley Tramp, which sadly, I did not have the intestinal fortitude to attempt to watch following this travesty.

As always, the Something Weird disc offers a host of extras, making it well worth your time if you have a lot of it to kill.

Mark your calendars, kids

The always-cool Mark Evanier has brought it to my attention that not only does the new year bring another round of resolutions to break, but it also brings a chance to see the sadly not-on-DVD "Skidoo," an Otto Preminger movie with Jackie Gleason, Carol Channing, Frankie Avalon, Mickey Rooney, Groucho Marx and a host of others.

A genuinely odd movie from the 1960s, you really have to see it to believe it. My favorite part (and honestly, the only part I don't fast-forward through) is where Harry Nilsson sings the end credits, down to key grip, costumer, and the whole bit.

Do give it a shot, won't you?

Bad Movies From A to Z: Night Train to Terror

The Bad Movies series returns with a vengeance as we take a leak look at the 1985 classic, Night Train to Terror. God help us all.

The movie in a nutshell: God and Satan are on a train, claiming souls of people involved in three different stories.

The story: A poor helpless schmuck endures one of the crappiest movies he's ever seen. Oh wait. That's my story.

The movie consists of three hopelessly truncated movies, edited apparently at random, all wrapped by a cheesy God vs. Satan conversation that appears to take place in Ten Forward on the Enterprise.

Now keep in mind, this is ostensibly a horror movie, so after the title flashes and we see the titular train and hear a scream in the background, we are exposed to the first of many horrors:


a butt-rock band.

Holy crap on a plate, this is so 1985.

Now, as I said, God and Satan are sitting across from each other on the train. As it is nighttime, there are stars visible out the window. But for some reason, most of them are stationary, save for a few that streak by, making it look like they're traveling at warp speed.

The view out the window changes, and our first story begins. A bride and groom are speeding for some reason, and they get in an accident.

Harry Billings, the husband, ends up in a sanitarium. His wife is apparently dead. In short order, he's in for electroshock therapy. In another room, there's a naked lady strapped to a table. No explanation given. Just an excuse to show boobies.

Meanwhile, Richard Moll is some creepy guy named Otto (I think).

Billings is drugged and sent to a bar, where he pretends to drink shots and flirts with the blonde bartender. Seconds later, she's the next naked lady on a table.

As we find out, the sanitarium in which Billings is incarcerated is operating some kind of body parts ring. They abduct pretty women and strip them for parts.

There's other stuff going on, but this is edited together to shoddily that it's hard to figure out what the hell is happening, especially if you're looking down every few seconds to jot down notes. Basically all you need to know: lots of blood and gore, lots of boobage, and one beheading of a guy who will later be on Night Court.

Then we're back to God and Satan, arguing over who gets the souls involved in the story. I'm getting ready to take notes on the next story to unfold, but before that starts, it's the cheesy band again. Why they are aboard this train (which, Satan notes, will crash in an hour), I have no idea. Maybe because they only have one song that they keep playing over and over.

Our next story involves a pretty brunette named Gretta Connors, who supplements her budding music career by selling popcorn from a tray at the carnival. Note that she doesn't work at a popcorn booth--she just has a tray of nine or so boxes of popcorn. Some creepy guy walk up to her and says "Little girl, where have you been all my life?"

Instead of racking him in the nards, she just tells him the price of the popcorn. He stuffs money down the front of her top (CLASSY), and he ends up (we are told) leading her into a life of porn and degradation. We learn this through narration rather than actual storytelling, which is how we learn about anything that might move the plot along in the slightest.

Meanwhile, college graduate and medical student (uh-huh) Glenn Marshall has dropped by his old frat house to grab a beer. The fact they're showing a porno flick is just a coincidence, I'm sure. He probably also reads Playboy for the articles.

Glenn falls in love with Gretta much the way all young people fall in love: he sees her being raped by what appears to be a fur trapper in the porno he and his buddies are watching. Call me a softy, but damn if that doesn't bring a tear to my eye.

Somehow he tracks her down, and in the span of three seconds, they hook up. I think, anyway. I swear to God, I just blinked. Gotta love pacing in truncated movies. Now while they could have used some of the brief running time to add some story elements, they instead fill time with establishing shots of Glenn and Gretta at the carnival, riding various attractions.

Now this pisses off her sugar daddy, George Youngmeyer, the lech who got her into the porn biz. He decides that Glenn needs to be taken out. Any other unsavory type would just shoot him outright or have someone do it for him, but instead, he uses a ridiculously byzantine method that isn't even guaranteed to kill him.

That's right; he brings in Death Club. You'd think rule one of Death Club would be to not talk about Death Club, but when you need to bump a guy off without looking suspicious, I guess you gotta go with what you've got.

The members of the Death Club have faced death and beaten it, so their thrill is to keep tempting death. They do this by participating in variations of Russian roulette.

The first one we see involves the dreaded beast, the Mongolian buttworm death beetle (complete with visible wire) that will sting and kill someone at random. Ah, but to give everyone a sporting chance, they leave a window open. The beetle, which resembles a Play-Doh turd with wings, takes flight.

Who will it be?

No one in the room. Instead, it goes outside and stings some random guy who is boning some equally random chick. His face (or an unreasonable papier mache facsimile thereof) swells, and his eye explodes, sending a gout of blood all over his girlfriend's face.

Bummer.

Let's see what's going on back inside the--oh, what the hell? Oh boy.

The next "death game" involves a "computer" that will randomly electrocute one of the players. This whole time, Gretta is dressed like a dude, and for no apparent reason. Even stranger, it appears that Glenn wants nothing to do with her. This will change in about five minutes with no explanation.

The computer, which reminds me of a cross of H.E.R.B.I.E., Simon, and a pocketful of dumb, whirs as everyone prepares for their possible impending death. Who gets it?

The one black guy. As his headband begins to smolder, he says, "Mr. Marshall, excuse me while I smoke."

OMGWTFBBQ!?

Then he is electrocuted to the point that he appears to melt. That's gotta hurt.

Gretta, now looking all girly again, has had enough from Youngmeyer; after telling him off, she says that she and Glenn are to get married the next day. Ookaaaayy....

Alas, a group of bikers attacks them at night while they sleep. Glenn kung-fus as many as he can (putting that med school training to work, right?), but they throw a net over him (!), and both Glenn and Gretta are bound and delivered to Youngmeyer and the Death Club.

Now by this point, you really wonder why Youngmeyer bothers with this elaborate charade. His goons bring Glenn and Gretta at gunpoint. If he has goons with guns, why not just, you know, cap his ass?

In any event, in this room, there's a wrecking ball on a rope, which will swing pendulum-style near a saw blade. Gradually, the rope bearing the ball will be cut. Everyone gets in sleeping bags below it, waiting to see who gets the big squish.

Glenn and Gretta, of course, are not doing this by choice. Is this going to be the thing that gets Glenn out of the way? No. The ball lands on some lady's face. I could make a joke here, but that would be more clever than this movie by at least half. Check it out:


At least we get to see the happy couple finally facing off against Youngmeyer for the last time, right?

Negatory.

We cut back to God and Satan, and the train conductor is asked to finish the story. Greta and Glenn live happily ever after, we are told.

What?!

What the crap? They just ended the story right there, and then--oh, sweet raisin danish. It's the band, singing the same frickin song. Again.

You know, not to be overly douchey or anything, but maybe if they'd dispensed with the shite music, they could've included some actual story that might have, you know, made any of this slightly more coherent.

No, instead, we must endure white people dancing so soullessly that it makes Molly Ringwald's dancing in The Breakfast Club look like freak dancing by comparison. You know, the last time I saw a white guy breakdancing was at a party I went to after fifth-grade graduation. They busted out the cardboard; I begged off, citing a war injury.

Come to think of it, that was 1985. Go figure.

Thankfully, this train wreck (literally) is almost at an end. Just one more story to go: The case of Claire Hansen. We are told she is about to begin a living nightmare that, from the looks of it, apparently involves a barefoot orchestra playing for a bunch of Nazis. Some commander comes in and says that their quota hasn't been met, so he machine-guns the orchestra. Claire wakes up with a start, as does her husband, Charles (also played by Richard Moll, who is billed in this as Charles Moll).

The Nazi commander from Claire's dream is not only alive and well in the present, but he has not aged at all. Some old guy is trying to hunt him down, so he asks for help from Cameron Mitchell, who plays a cop, and, oh my God, this is horrible. The old guy dies at the hands of some demonic creature that may or not be the guy he's looking for--I kinda stopped taking notes by this point. Mr. Olivier, the evil creepy guy, seems to be an immortal who has been an evil bastard for hundreds of years.

Charles Hansen is some philosopher who has written a book called "God is Dead." Cameron Mitchell (his character wasn't identified as far as I could tell) eventually realizes how evil and creepy the guy is, and a bunch of stuff happens, including some crap claymation in which Hansen is crucified on a clay cross, and it ends with Olivier walking away unscathed.

Now, it's almost time. We see the night train zooming along the track--in daylight--as it hurtles toward its date with destiny. There's a crap explosion with what appears to be stock footage from something. The butt-rock band dies, thankfully, but God and Satan are untouched in their car. They divvy up the souls of those people seen in the movies, and the train rolls along a track to the stars.

The End.

Afterthoughts: To be fair, this movie appears to be made of three movies chopped down to about 20-25 minutes each. While it's damn near impossible to follow what's going on because they're so drastically edited, I'd be willing to watch these individually in their full-length incarnations; it's possible that they'd make more sense. They'd still not be great movies, but they could be entertaining.

As it is, it feels like I'm watching overlong, hastily cobbled together movie trailers, put together by people who never saw the movies. To their credit, they managed to keep a lot of blood and nudity; in the pre-Internet days when this would have been found on the shelves at the local mom-and-pop video stores, a horrible movie could be redeemed by buckets of blood and flashes of skin. To preteen horror buffs too young to buy Playboy, it was one of the only places you could see nudity--or as we called it, nudititty.

However, in this era, when you can see boobs at the click of a mouse, it's just meh.

I got this movie as part of the Drive-In Movie Classics 50-DVD pack I bought a while back, and it says on the package that this stars Keenan Wynn. I don't know exactly what they were smoking, but I didn't see him in here at all. The only person who looked remotely like Wynn was God, and according to the credits, he was played by "Himself." Satan, by the way, was played by Lu Sifer.

Pause for laughs.

/crickets chirping

Another part of the problem with this movie was the muddiness of the print, but you know, when you figure I paid maybe 50 cents for each movie, I really can't complain too much.

Should you end up watching this somehow, it would probably seem better if accompanied by a bottle of Night Train.

Maybe.

Probably not.

76 minutes on 50% power

Sometimes you want to rent a movie based just on the title alone. Hence today's movie, Microwave Massacre. Seriously, how can you miss with a title like that?

Well...

The movie in a nutshell: Donald is a henpecked schlub who accidentally develops a taste for human flesh.

The story: Donald (Jackie Vernon) is a construction worker who suffers at every meal because his wife, May, is interested in gourmet food, which she cooks with her enormous microwave oven from Major Electric.

Now let's take a quick look at this microwave. Here's the box:


And here's the gargantuan appliance that allegedly arrived in said box:


One day while eating a giant-crab sandwich, Donald's co-workers, Philip and Roosevelt, see Knothole Girl (yes, that's how she's billed in the credits). Knothole Girl's sole purpose in this movie is to "accidentally" push her chesticals through a hole that just so happens to be able to accommodate them both at the same time. Roosevelt almost reaches Knothole Girl, but she moves just before he gets there.

Meanwhile, back at Donald's house, May is back from the store, and she talks to the dog about how the new microwave is opening up a whole new area of cuisine.

Back on the site, Roosevelt is trying to tell Philip how to get into the groove. This is supposed to be funny because a white guy is trying to teach a black guy how to feel music. And the white guy is named Roosevelt.

All of this within the first five minutes, by the way.

Donald wants to trade his lunch, but the guys aren't going for it.

When Donald gets home, May is preparing another meal. He fantasizes about killing May. You know, the usual.

Dinner is a bunch of back and forth half-assed bickering. Donald asks why he can't just get normal food. May says the dog eats better than him; Donald agrees.

The next day at lunch, Donald eats a dog food sandwich, while Knothole Girl, in shorts riding up to about her sacroiliac, walks onto the construction site. She wants Roosevelt to introduce her to the big buffed guy, who -- hardy-frickin-har -- is gay.

Donald stops at a bar on the way home and is still drunk when he comes home to May. He slurs a request for a bologna and cheese sandwich. He goes on a slob rampage around the house -- spitting water in May's food, emptying the vacuum bag all over the living room and pissing on a potted plant in front of the fireplace, which prompts her to say, "Donald, there is something bothering you."

He goes to throw out May's food (to help her food go farther, yok-yok) and she dumps it on his head. He goes ape, chokes her and finishes her off with the pepper mill.

The next day, he's hung over ("Ooo, I don't remember leaving a wake-up headache...") and wonders where May is with his breakfast. He's hungry and checks the microwave for something to eat. He opens it up, and May is in there. He sets it on slow broil.

It's time for lunch at work, and nabs a Jumbo Jack out of the lunch van, which prompts Roosevelt and Philip to ask what his wife will think. He says he doesn't worry anymore.

Later, he decides to cut up May, wrap the pieces in foil and stick her in the freezer, while taking out the old stuff ("Gotta make room for May."). We get a closeup of him wrapping her hand. He puts it in the freezer, but doesn't see it fall in with the old food.

In a "comedy" bit, he watches a TV talk show about committing the perfect crime. The "comedy" comes from the swear words not being bleeped out properly. Sigh.

In the middle of the night, Donald goes to get a snack. Napoleon, the dog, is whining at the garage door, which bugs Donald.

"Napoleon, she had to call him. I'm gonna kick him in his Bonaparte."

He grabs one of the foil-wrapped goodies he took out of the freezer to make room for May. I think we know where this is going. He likes it and unwraps the rest of it -- OMGWTFBBQ! It's May's hand.

"May!" he says, while the wah-wah sting plays.

He brings some May to work with him the next day and shares some of his Maywich with his work pals, who both love it.

Later at home, we see Donald making a May-kebab.

Cut to the bar, where he is in a much better mood. A chick at the bar is making faces at him, probably prompted by the wakka-chicka music that erupts out of nowhere. Sam kicks her out, as she's, uh, looking for customers, if you know what I mean.

Outside the bar, her shoe breaks. Donald catches up with her and apologizes for how Sam treated her. Apparently she has a quota or is saving up for a new Atari or something, because she offers him a shot. Her name is DeeDeeDee (her mom wanted to name her Delia, but she stuttered).

Donald takes her back to his place, but he's reluctant to, uh, get his money's worth from DeeDeeDee, which frustrates her.

"That's it! You've been gonged, mister." There's a timely reference. She goes off to get something to eat, but that pisses off Donald. He takes her to the couch and smothers her both with himself and with a flower pillow.

He lays her out on the chopping block in the kitchen, where she both moves her hands and breathes, despite being dead. As he grabs an ax, he says the line of the movie.

"I'm so hungry, I could eat a whore."

Donald and his buddies go bowling and then harass a Jack in the Box clerk at the drive-through. And it's an old-school Jack in the Box, back in the days of giving your order via clown head.

"Hello! Anybody home?"

"May I have your order, please?"

"Uh, let down your hair, unbutton your blouse, hike up your skirt, stick out your tongue ... and a Coke!"

The hilarity ensues when we see them drive off, leaving the confused clerk at the window, having followed his order.

One of the running gags concerns Donald's oversexed neighbors. It's there to provide some flesh and no humor at all.

Donald has to make room in the freezer for DeeDeeDee, so he throws out some of May. Later, a homeless guy finds her arm in the trash and uses it as a scratcher. I'm ashamed to have been paying this much attention, but if he ate one of May's arms as his initial foray into cannibalism, and we saw him impaling one of her hands to make a May-kebab, how is there a hand and forearm to throw away? Unless it's from DeeDeeDee, but that wouldn't make sense following the last bit of dialogue.

Another unfunny bit at a hardware store leads us to Donald's next kill. Okay, it doesn't actually lead to it, but it is the scene that comes right before it, which in this movie, is what passes for a narrative. The victim is naked on a giant piece of bread, and he's slathering her with mayonnaise from a tub of Best Foods (I'm sure they were just ticked pink for that bit of product placement).

He meets his next victim while out for a walk. She's in a crap chicken costume shilling for a restaurant. He invites her over for dinner. The last we see of her is a detached foot that looks like it came from a giant.

Later, Donald is spilling his guts out to a shrink, who is asleep. His problem is that he can't get it on with a woman unless he plans to kill her and eat her afterward, which is sick even ignoring the whole killing and eating part, unless he cleans her first. The doctor wakes up and misunderstands Donald's reference to eating, which I think was supposed to be another joke.

While cooking up his latest b(i)atch of food in the microwave, he seems to have a heart attack or something. I guess it wasn't serious, because he goes out to the garage later to fill up the freezer. May's head keeps appearing and disappearing. He finds it in the house and is holding it behind his back when there's a knock on the door. It's May's sister.

He props up the head on a pillow to convince May's sister that she's just sleeping, but she gets closer and sees it's just a head. Donald stuffs a baguette in her mouth and thinks he's killed her, which worries him, because that would mean he'd have to do it with her.

Time for a checkup with Dr. Von Der Fool (oh sweet God, when will it end?), who tells him that all the tests are okay; Donald's pacemaker is still working just fine. A nurse brings in the results, which I thought he'd just said were fine, but whatever.

We see a truck from "Bwana Meats: Let Us Cater Your Next Pagan Ritual" and Donald getting his coat out of the closet, ignoring May's sister. Don't know what they have to do with each other, but that's the sequence in which they fall.

There's another neighbor bit, and this time she's watering her lawn in such a fashion that it looks sorta like she's taking a leak.

In short order, Donald picks up another girl, kills her, cuts her up, etc.

In the next scene, Donald's neighbor is digging holes in her flower bed with a vibrator. Yeah, your guess is as good as mine.

Another victim, another yawn. He's in charge of party snacks. His pals arrive, only to find Donald on the floor in the kitchen. They see the body parts in the microwave -- and the sticker that says "Caution! This microwave may affect pacemakers."

A while later, the house is up for sale. Movers are taking out furniture, May's sister is finally found in the closet. Two guys in the kitchen are checking out the microwave, and in case we missed the clue with the sticker, we hear that someone screwed up the wiring in the microwave, and that it's a deathtrap for anyone with a pacemaker.

With that, the camera goes into the garage, and the freezer door opens, revealing May's head, which for some reason is back on the top shelf. Oh yeah, and her eyes start to glow. Spooooky.

And that's 76 minutes of your life you aren't getting back.

Afterthoughts: Let's talk about disappointment. Though billed on the DVD as "The Worst Horror Movie of All Time," it isn't. Not in a world where there exists "Blood Freak."

Don't get me wrong; it's not a great horror movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it's not the worst because I refuse to believe it was supposed to be a straight horror movie. Instead, it was the always-difficult-to-pull-off horror movie spoof. But instead of spoofing the classic movie monsters, now it was time to make fun of gory horror movies and psycho-nut killers.

Before the "Scary Movie" franchise, before "Scream" (while not a spoof, it was definitely riffing on horror flick conventions) or the proto-"Scream," "There's Nothing Out There," there was "Microwave Massacre."

Though released in 1983, presumably for the big home video boom, I've seen a few references to it being filmed in 1979, which makes a lot more sense -- both in terms of the fashions and the fact that it took four years for this to show up somewhere.

This wasn't the first horror movie spoof I'd seen. That honor goes to Paramount's "Student Bodies," which came out in 1981. I haven't seen it in decades, but there are two things I will always remember about it. During one scene, someone leaves the door unlocked, and in case we missed it, an arrow flashes "Unlocked." That made me chuckle a bit. And when someone goes to answer the door, instead of a killer or a regular person there, it's just a dog, who farts.

Dog farts = comedy gold.

But back to "Microwave Massacre." Despite the title, there really isn't a microwave massacre. When you see that title on a box (back in its VHS days, it wasn't going for the camp angle on the packaging), you expect some creative carnage. I mean, you already had "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre," "Driller Killer" and "Love Story." The idea of someone doing a little wholesale slaughter with a microwave, man, sign me up.

The biggest problem with a horror spoof is keeping it scary and funny. But here, scenes begin and end without really having any sense of continuity. At times, it's so disjointed that it's almost like channel surfing. There's not really much in the way of transition.

I like oranges.

It's just like that.

Still, it's kinda fun anyway. Jackie Vernon is deadpan all the way through, and given the material, it's probably for the best. It's even more fun if you close your eyes and imagine him as Frosty the Snowman saying all his dialogue.

This is yet another movie that's best watched with friends. It's barely over an hour long, though it seems a lot longer in parts.

Bad Movies From A to Z Extra: The rules

When I watch movies for Bad Movies From A to Z, there are some rules that I follow, which, being the kind fellow I am, I will share with you. There is one pre-rule, if you will, that I recommend for others, even though I don't follow it myself.

Watch these with at least one other person.

A small group is even better, but if you have a friend with you, it makes the movie, no matter how bad it is, a little easier to get through. Misery loves company, after all. Plus, some movies really shouldn't be watched alone. This is why many of the movies on my list aren't actually that bad. As horror host Mr. Lobo (who, by the way, is a pretty swell guy) says, "They're not bad movies ... just misunderstood." Words to live by.

Here is the list. Commit it to memory. There may be a quiz later.

1. The movie MUST be watched all the way through without fast-forwarding. Not only is that cheating, but you may miss the one or two pieces of actual plot.

2. If a character in the movie mentions the title of the movie itself, everyone claps. Do this every time the title is mentioned. I suppose you could make a drinking game out of this, but most movies I've seen only pull this gag once or twice. There are exceptions, though.

3. Sobriety is not necessarily your friend. While I have been stone sober for every movie I've watched (strangely, I've never been drunk in my entire life), there are many times when I wished this wasn't the case. As always, drink responsibly, and, for the love of God, never mix beer and Clamato. Seriously. It's vile.

4. You must make fun of the movie. I know some people hate it when people talk during a movie, but this is the whole point. Trust me: it is no better in complete silence. You aren't going to miss the one line that makes it a good movie. It's just not there. Besides, not only will you be motivated to scream at the screen, but you may find yourself throwing things. See rule 9.

5. Snacks are imperative, because some of these flicks are snoozefests no matter what genre. You will need fuel. Plus, what kind of host are you if you have a bunch of people over and don't provide snacks? If anyone has issues with eating during splatter movies, try to find out before you order pizza. Nothing ruins the moment like having to pause the movie after someone does the old Technicolor yawn all over the floor.

6. There is no rule 6.

7. Swearing is encouraged. The more creative, the better. If you aren't much of a swearer, you will be after you sit all the way through something like Pieces and then see the ending.

8. Feel free to point out good parts of the movie. It never hurts to be charitable. But don't overdo it: "Wow, you can hardly see those strings..."

9. Try not to throw anything heavy at the TV. Popcorn's OK, but avoid empty bottles. Or people.

10. Double features are great if you've got the time. Clever pairings can make a painful experience a little more pleasant. Don't just go for the obvious, like Creepshow and Creepshow 2. You can try a classic pairing like I Drink Your Blood and I Eat Your Skin, or something a little different, like The Exorcist 2: The Heretic and All Dogs Go to Heaven. If you are too lazy, Something Weird Video offers a ton of double-feature discs.

11. A good rule of thumb: Sequels suck. They are, in fact, suquels. There are exceptions to this (Evil Dead 2, The Empire Strikes Back), but if the first one wasn't that good, odds are that the second one (and more to the point, the third, fourth and successive suquels) will be worse. That's good news for you, because that's what you want. You can also get cool double-feature discs from Something Weird Video.

12. Small budget does not always equal sucky movie. Just as big budget does not always equal good movie.

13. No matter how bad the worst movie you've seen is, there's always something out there that is worse. One that is so bad, it makes your previous worst movie look like Citizen Kane.

She's a real looker

On this trip into the Siftin' movie vault, we check out a flick that features a former Daddy Warbucks as well as a member of the Partridge Family. And there's a neato-burrito light gun that's cooler than the one you'd end up playing Duck Hunt and Hogan's Alley with. What more could you ask from a movie? Nudity? Got you covered there, too, even though this is a PG-rated movie. God bless the 1980s.

The movie in a nutshell: A plastic surgeon who has performed oddly specific surgeries on models gets in over his head when his patients start ending up dead, and evidence points to a high-tech company.

The story: The movie begins with a fake commercial for Ravish perfume, which is followed by the pretty girl from the commercial, Lisa, asking Dr. Larry Roberts (Albert Finney) for very specific (and very minor) plastic surgery. He's done three actresses with lists already, but he agrees to perform this, his fourth. His colleague comments that's she's "really a looker."

Clapclapclap.

I like movies that don't screw around. Just bam, and you're off and running. In very short order, the story is set up, one of the characters mentions the name of the movie and the theme song plays over a montage of the plastic surgery, which, for extra bonus points, includes gratuitous breastage.

Nudity in the opening credits is one of the signs of a good movie. To their credit, they do manage to wait until a whole 2:32 into the movie, and it is in the context of the story.

After the beginning credits, Lisa, post-op, answers her door, and expecting it to be her boyfriend (or maybe the pizza guy, because hey, who doesn't like a fresh Cheesy Bites Pizza?), does so in her bra and panties. She opens the door, and there's a flash, along with a whooshing sound, and she's standing there motionless.

When she snaps out of it, she finds a gun case on her bed. She wonders if someone is there. Another couple of flashes, and Lisa gets tangled in the curtains on her balcony. She falls over the side, and the mysterious gunman leaves a ballpoint pen on one of her chairs. He also leaves a button. You suppose this will mean something later?

The next day, Friday, Dr. Roberts arrives at his office and catches up on what's going on. He's got a fundraiser at Reston Industries for the pediatric burns unit, along with routine surgeries.

When this was made, they didn't have Discovery Health piped in 24-7, with such lovely programs as "Face-Saving Surgery" and "Organ Transplants from a One-Legged Pygmy Albino Wombat," so it wasn't common to see footage of plastic surgery. This explains the now-unusual focus on surgery footage in this movie.

Larry's secretary mentions that the police called, but he doesn't know what it's about. Another patient, Cindy (Susan Dey), is in his office waiting for him. She says she just got back from Tahiti.

Lt. Masters from the police department is there to ask him about two patients, Lisa Convy and Susan Wilson. They're both dead, and Masters is looking for information. Susan drove into a cement divider, and Lisa was our swan diver.

Larry asks for their files, and they're gone. Masters asks him if he'd ever visited any of his patients, and he says no. Masters offers him the pen that was found in Lisa's apartment. Oh noes! It's Larry's pen! Even more mysterious, after Masters leaves, he finds that all the files of the girls with lists are gone.

As if on cue, Tina, another former patient, comes to him and tells him that "they" are killing all the perfect patients. She wants to be changed back. She asks if a big man with a mustache has been there before wigging out and leaving.

She leaves her purse in Larry's office. He finds a vial of cocaine and a list from a firm called Digital Matrix Inc. He has his secretary call Lt. Masters to let him know he's going to Tina's apartment.

At Tina's, we see her get flashed with the light. Larry gets there just in time to see her land on his car (I gave her a 9.7. She would've gotten the 10 but her legs split near the end) while he's looking her up on the building directory. He looks up and sees the "big man with a mustache" (and white man's fro, I should add) wearing silvery wraparound sunglasses that look like the Oakleys the bemulleted jocks used to wear when I was in high school.

Lt. Masters arrives, and he doesn't believe Larry's story.

Larry realizes that Cindy is the next on the list of girls, so he goes to find her. She's at a photo shoot. He asks Cindy to go to the fundraiser with him.

Mr. Reston (James Coburn) is eager to meet Larry, and they chat for a while. Reston offers to donate $4 million to Larry's burn-unit project. Over dinner, Reston mentions that he heard about the models' deaths. Larry mentions the link they had with Digital Matrix, which, surprise surprise, is a subsidiary of Reston Industries.

Reston and the head of Digital Matrix, Jennifer Long (Leigh Taylor-Young) wonder if Larry suspects anything.

The next day, Larry hangs out with Cindy while she's on a commercial shoot, which is being directed by computer more than by the actual director. She does take after take, trying to match what the computer wants. Larry checks out the Digital Matrix truck that's on site. Two guys are monitoring where the computer is projecting where Cindy should be in the frame. When they see Larry, they shut the truck door on him.

The commercial director says that Cindy needs to be measured by Digital Matrix. Larry accompanies her, and whle he's waiting for her, Long shows him around.

One of the things they do, she says, is track viewers' pupilary responses to regular commercials. Larry tries it out. The computer recreates the commercial to reposition the product where he was looking.

Cindy is off to get scanned by the computer because she is "perfect in her category." She has to disrobe and stand buck-naked on a platform in the middle of a big room filled with a bunch of machines. The platform drops into one of the machines, and it's there that she gets scanned. This takes forever; she stands on the rotating platform like she's being microwaved.

They are trying to create computer-generated models based on live models. He watches the computer process the audio, and the CG-Cindy says over and over, "I'm the perfect female type, 18 to 25. I'm here to sell for you."

After Larry leaves, Long and Reston discuss Larry and the fact that he swiped a security card. Long says they should search his place with the Looker device. She adds that they already took his file, pen and button without anyone knowing about it (thanks for the pitch to us slower viewers). He agrees but tells her to be careful.

Back at Larry's place, Cindy finds out that she's the only Digital Matrix model who had the special surgery who isn't dead. Larry says he's going to take care of her, but she wants to visit her parents and get some things first.

Her parents are mesmerized by an I Love Lucy rerun.

Back at Larry's place, the guy with the white man fro (played by Tim Rossovich, the character is called Moustache Man in the credits. I will call him Fro-Guy) is back. He blasts Larry a few times with the Looker gun and a few hours pass.

It doesn't have anything to do with the plot, but one of the commercials in the background boasts the immortal line, "Constipation is nothing to sneeze at."

Indeed.

Cindy returns and asks him what happened.

They go back to Reston Industries to take a look at the Looker Lab, since that was the only place he wasn't allowed in. The security card he pilfered won't let him into the main Looker Lab. Fro-guy is hanging out with the guard, and he sees the access card being used. He goes to check it out.

After a close call with a janitor bot, they resume their search for an entrance into the Looker Lab. Larry suspects that the janitor bot is their way in. They hitch a ride on it through the door. He finds a binder on a desk, and sees that Looker stands for "Light Ocular-Oriented Kinetic Emotive Responses."

That reminds me, I'm starting a school. It's called Siftin' Central Randy Educators and Wombats University, or just, well, I think you can connect the dots there.

Cindy watches one of the commercials playing on a monitor in the lab, and after watching for a minute, gets hypnotized and starts chanting "I want it." Strangely, the commercial is not about me or the blog.

The light pulse in the commercial is also the basis of the Looker gun. While Larry is explaining the weapon, Fro-guy is preparing to strike. He blasts Larry with the gun and beats the crap out of him. All the while, commercials are playing in the background. There's a nice slo-mo shot of Larry flying through a window. Fro-guy goes to shoot him again, but he's wearing the protective shades. Larry takes the gun and shoots him. While he's stunned, Larry uses his years of extensive ninja training and kicks him in the nads.

Cindy comes to, and they leave, setting off the alarm. Reston is getting ready for his big show, and he orders Larry to be eliminated.

While Cindy rests back at his office, Larry investigates a mysterious noise, Looker gun in hand. He goes to his office to call Lt. Masters but stops. He hears a noise again. He opens a door and sees smoke, which can diffuse the Looker effect. Cindy has been taken by some guys with machine guns.

He grabs a scapel out of a drawer and waits for his attackers. He cuts one of them, and they leave.

Sunday: Lt. Masters surveys Larry's office. Larry is out on the road, and Fro-guy is trying to flash him with the Looker gun while he's driving. Larry is so intent on his attackers that he almost plows down a pack of nuns, because as we all know, nuns are always crossing the street. That's all they do, apparently.

They manage to get a shot on him, and he wakes up in a park fountain with a bunch of people staring at him. When the police arrive, he's already sneaking away. A lady rats on him, but not before he hops in to the back of a police car. As it turns out, it's a Reston Industries security car. Sugar Bear Security says they have to keep him quiet until the big reception.

Larry finds that they don't know about Looker, so he zaps them and steals a uniform. He walks by Lt. Masters, who sees him but doesn't do anything. He narrowly avoids being spotted by Fro-guy.

Meanwhile, Cindy is being held by Long in a control room.

Reston is making his spiel about his new commercials with computer-generated actors while Larry is making his way up. Fro-guy catches him, but he gets away quickly.

While the presentation is going, Reston and Fro-guy head upstairs to get Larry. Larry ends up in a computerized studio. Now it's a cat-and-mouse game while the commercials are on.

One of the commercials features a CGI senator who is a candidate for the presidency. Did they kill him and replace him with this CGI version?

Another commercial features Cindy as a housewife. Larry pops up, much to the audience's amusement. Fro-guy sees Long behind a screen trying to get to Larry. Not knowing it's her, he shoots her. Before she dies, goes back up to the control room.

Fro-guy shoots at everything that moves, including a camera. Reston shoots at Larry but hits Fro-Guy dead in the forehead instead. While a commercial is being shot and being fed to the audience.

Fro-guy falls on a table that is to be used in the next commercial, which provides a humorous bit in which the kids are complaining about having to eat the same old breakfast -- while there's a dead guy on the table. The dad in the commercial also played the dad in Small Wonder.

Reston finds Long dead and goes back out to look for Larry. There's some more cat-and-mouse-osity between the two of them. Meanwhile, Lt. Masters is looking for Reston. As Reston shoots at Larry, Masters shoots Reston, who dies during a commercial for Spurt Toothpaste.

Larry and Cindy walk off the set together, without Masters asking and questions or even appearing again. The end.

Kthxbye.

Afterthoughts: The announcer in the Ravish commercial at the beginning sounds an awful lot like John Erwin, who did the voice for Morris the Cat and He-Man. And I missed her, but Vanna White is supposedly among the Reston Industries girls. That means she's been in two movies on the Bad Movies From A to Z list, having also appeared in Graduation Day. Kudos to her.

You know, this isn't half bad. Well, okay, it's half bad. But it's still kind of a neat idea for the time. It probably doesn't seem like much of a stretch having computer-generated models now as much as it did when this came out. But here's my thought: If they can place the computer models in the real set, why don't they use CG sets, too? Wouldn't that be easier and cheaper? It's like they thought partly ahead but didn't go all the way with the idea.

Of course, if they didn't use real sets, they wouldn't have had the big chase/shootout at the end, would they?

The entry for this movie on IMDB says that there's 15 minutes of extra footage that features Larry and Cindy trying to figure out Reston's motives for killing the models. That would've been nice to include on the DVD, because there are a lot of unresolved threads like that.

What was up with Senator Harrison?

Since he was in a Digital Matrix-produced ad, is he dead or is it just an example of RI's technology? Are we to assume that if he won the presidency, Reston would essentially be in charge, controlling this puppet president? That might work for TV appearances, but somebody's bound to notice that the guy is never in the Oval Office or making public appearances. And how did they talk him into undergoing the scanning process? It makes sense for a model, but why would a senator do it?

And at the beginning, his office called Larry to (presumably) get some work done. Given that he shows up later in a Digital Matrix commercial, did he get the work done somewhere else so he could be scanned into the system? If he was calling Larry on Friday, there's no way he would've been able to get the necessary work done, let alone heal enough to be scanned, killed and in the system by Sunday.

I also am skeptical about making changes to the millimeter. I know surgeons are good, but isn't healing a relatively inexact science? I've obviously never gotten any plastic surgery done (why mess with perfection itself?), so I'm not sure.

The models in the commercials supposedly emit a hypnotic pulse from their eyes, similar to the one the Looker gun produces. I'm assuming it's slightly different, as putting viewers into a motionless trance would keep them from seeing the commercial, right? Cindy seems hypnotized when she sees one of the commercials, which makes more sense. I just don't see why the gun is necessary, other than -- again -- to serve the ending and have a neat gimmick.

This reminds me a lot in terms of tone and general meh-ness of another Crichton effort, Runaway, which starred Tom Selleck. They're both decent enough way to pass the time, and they have a handful of memorable gimmicks and scenes, but the futuristic aspect doesn't hold up after a moment's thought. They end up coming off as being a bit sloppy.

Bonus points, though, for casting Susan Dey as a model. There's a shot when Cindy is at her parents' house where she walks by a bunch of pictures on the wall that appear to be from her actual modeling days.

I can't help but think that with a little effort, this could be remade, at the very least as a Sci-Fi Original. It's got some good stuff, but there's not enough story to go along with it. That's why they added the nudity, presumably. Gotta keep you paying attention, right?

This is a technique used to much less subtle effect (there's a character billed as Knothole Girl because the main character sees her chestal regions through a hole in a fence, and that's pretty much all there is to her part) in the movie I'll be looking at next time, Microwave Massacre.

You've been warned.

Bad Movies From A to Z: When monkey die, everybody cry

King Kong Lives

Sometimes it's not enough to make a remake that no one asked for. Sometimes you have to make a sequel that no one asked for to a remake that no one asked for. Hence, theater screens everywhere were treated to one of the best movies to feature a giant gorilla blood transfusion, "King Kong Lives."

The movie in a nutshell: Kong meets Lady Kong.

The story: We open with a flashback from the 1976 Kong remake where Kong climbs one of the Twin Towers. A trio of copters shoot Kong, and he falls to the ground below. We were to assume that he died.

Atlantic Institute, Georgia, ten years later...

It looks like old Kong is being kept alive by a giant artificial heart. Dr. Amy Franklin (Linda Hamilton) tells a group of people that the project isn't working. The heart, she is reminded, cost 7 million dollars, but it took too long to create. He's been comatose too long. If they cut him open now, he'll die. He needs a transfusion.

Meanwhile, in Borneo, Hank Mitchell finds another Kong -- a female. He calls the Atlanta Institute, but when Franklin finds out that it's a lady Kong, she doesn't want it. She doesn't want anything that could upset him during the recuperation. Against Franklin's recommendation, they make a deal with Mitchell.

They bring Lady Kong to the states, and after a brief press conference, they've got her set up to give blood for Kong's operation. Franklin and her team are ready to implant the artificial heart into Kong.

At this point, the DVD refused to play any further, thus sparing me from having to watch the rest of the movie. I slipped it back in its envelope and sent it back to Netflix.

Afterthoughts: I saw this in the theater when it came out, so I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything. In fact, I felt a little relieved that I didn't have to sit through it.

Thus endeth the shortest review so far.

The Return of Bad Movies From A to Z: Just One of the Guys

There are some movies that, in the 1980s, were on cable around the clock. Most people my age can name a few: "Beastmaster," "Summer Rental," "Super Fuzz," the list could go on for days. You may rarely if ever have watched them from beginning to end, catching the last part one time, and the middle or beginning another. Today's entry in the mighty Bad Movies From A to Z pantheon is one of those movies.

The movie in a nutshell: High school student Terry Griffith (Joyce Hyser, who later appeared in a few episodes of "The Flash") feels that she's not being taken seriously as a journalist because she's a woman. So she does what any other rational person would do: she dresses up in men's clothes and enrolls in a different high school as a student.

The story: We meet Terry Griffith, who seems to have everything going the right way. She has a buffed college boyfriend and is interested in journalism.

In fact, she's working on an article when her friend Denise bails out of science to ask her advice on her prom prospects.

I mention this because one of the guys she mentions is named Gibbler. This movie was co-written by Jeff Franklin, who is the guy who brought us "Full House," which featured annoying neighbor Kimmie Gibbler.

Terry is hoping to get a shot at an internship at the Sun-Tribune. But of the two winners, Terry isn't one of them. She waits to talk to her teacher and overhears another teacher talking to him about her good looks.

She confronts him about her article and tells him off after he suggests she should have something to fall back on -- like being a model.

Terry's boyfriend Kevin doesn't understand why she's so upset, and her constantly horny brother Buddy (Billy Jacoby, later Billy Jayne of "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" fame) is no help, either.

Fed up with not being taken seriously because she's a woman, Terry gets an idea: She'll dress like a guy.


Buddy gives her pointers on how to look like a guy, including detailed instructions on scratching.

She's going to the other high school in town to submit her article for the internship. She cuts her hair and shows up, trying to blend in. There she meets Greg Tolan, played to asshat perfection by William Zabka (the asshat guy from "The Karate Kid"), when he lobs her into the bushes for talking to him.

On Terry's first day, she comes across a few logistical problems, such as which bathroom to use, and figuring out how to get around dressing out for PE.

Nature calls, and Terry has to make her first trip to the men's room. Mild hilarity ensues.

At lunch, Greg's daily ritual involves tormenting some nerds by lifting their bench.

Later, Terry has that school's journalism instructor look at her story. He says her writing's good, but the story is boring. He's not going to choose the winners for another week or so, so Terry has time to write another story.

She sees Rick Morehouse the next day at lunch. He was the guy who she talked to when she got dumped in the bushes. Rick likes music. This will be mildly interesting later. While Terry is talking to Rick, a girl named Sandy has set her sights on Terry.

She gives Rick a ride home and they hang out and have beers.

Generic beers.

Every now and then I remember when grocery stores added generic everything to their product lineup. The packaging was either plain white or yellow, with the product name in plain black letters. Some stores were so big on generics, they devoted the center aisles to a gigantic generic display.


This was also the time when "generic" was school slang for anything that sucked.

I even remember one kid named Eric who I only knew as "Generic Eric." To this day, I have no idea who the hell he was.

Anyhow...

Terry decides that she's going to help Rick find a date. Sandy offers to set Rick up with her cute cousin if Terry will go out with her. The double date is on.

As it turns out, Sandy's cousin is a sixth-grader. She and Rick leave Terry and Sandy so they can be alone. When Terry gets back, blitzed on more generic beer, she has to sneak in because Kevin is waiting to see her.

It's getting complicated keeping all this up; luckily, her parents are out of town.

She buys Rick some new clothes, and Greg's girlfriend notices. Greg notices, too; he dumps spaghetti on Rick at lunch. Terry tells Rick in the bathroom that he shouldn't let Greg get away with that.

The next day, when Greg goes to dump the nerds' lunches, Rick gets up on a table and makes fun of Greg and his obsession with teasting the nerds. Everyone thinks Rick is cool now. Greg is now less cool, even with Deborah.

Afterward, Rick asks Deborah to the prom, and now that she's pissed at Greg, she says yes. But Terry doesn't seem happy about it. But Rick won't go to prom unless Terry goes, so later at her house, Terry asks her pal, Denise. She reluctantly agrees, but as Denise is leaving, Debbie shows up, looking for Terry.

Debbie has a few kissing fish for her. And something else.

And then Kevin shows up, also looking for Terry.

Terry sends Buddy up to take care of Sandy, but she leaves.

Out in the car, Kevin gripes about Terry not looking "hot." He says that her writing is just a hobby, which doesn't go over well, and reiterates sentiments her teacher had voiced.

The next night, it's time for Prom. Rick and Deborah are dancing close, and Greg doesn't look very happy about it. Neither does Terry, but for a different reason. She thinks Rick can do better.

Meanwhile, Kevin shows up at Terry's house, looking for her. Buddy will tell him where she is, but only if he gets to go with Kevin.

At the dance, Greg and Deborah are named prom king and queen, but she won't dance with him. Instead, she dances with Rick. This doesn't go over well; Greg walks over and punches Rick. Terry jumps on Greg, but he throws her into the water.

By this point, Buddy and Kevin are there to see the action.

Rick wants a rematch with Greg, and they fight. Rick throws him into the food table.

Kevin asks Terry what's going on. Before he can say that Terry's his girlfriend, Terry takes Rick aside to talk to him.

Rick assumes that Terry is going to come out to him. She does, sort of. She admits that she's a woman.

"Right," says Rick. "And I'm Cyndi Lauper."

Except Rick, who loves music, pronounces it "Low-per" with an "ow" sound, unlike anyone else I knew in 1985. Or now, for that matter.

He doesn't believe Terry, but there is a way she can convince him.

Here it is, kids, the reason for this movie's PG rating...

"Wait a minute, are those what I think they are?"

Rick storms away, angry with Terry for lying. Terry follows him and kisses him in front of the whole crowd, which Rick explains nonchalantly.

I swear, this is just like "Yentl."

Terry tries to finish her story ("I Was a Teenage Boy") while fighting back tears.

It makes it into the paper, and she gets the internship. But she doesn't seem happy about it. Her teacher congratulates her and asks what happened to Rick. She says he hates her.

After graduation, she bumps into Rick outside the Sun-Tribune after work. They make up and decide to go out. He missed her, he says.

Happy ending.

Afterthoughts: How can you not like a 80s teen comedy that opens with a slow reveal of a pretty girl in underwear?

You'd think that this was a raunchy sex comedy in the vein of Porky's, but instead is essentially a TV movie with brief nudity and some swears. It's kind of sweet in a way, but it wavers between sex comedy and romantic comedy without committing fully to either, and doesn't really come off focused.

Still, for kids who couldn't watch R movies and still wanted to see naked chestal regions, this was like a goldmine.

The thing I noticed this time around is that Terry decides to work undercover at the other high school in town. Her parents are out of town, so she doesn't have to explain her odd behavior to them. But how is it that she doesn't go to class at her real high school? And there wasn't anyone at the school who knew Terry and would've seen through her disguise?

Still, it's worth catching from beginning to end; there are a handful of mild yuks.