The ideal 80s movie sequel

This week's assignment for The League of Extraordinary Bloggers:

The '80s and '90s were filled with kids and teens in the movies. Which movie would you like to see a sequel made in 2012 with the original cast members, who have aged the same as you and me.

You're probably thinking I'm going to say "The Goonies."

I don't want a Goonies sequel because, well, I'm a pessimist. There's no way it could please everyone, and the big problem is that the movie would have to try anyway. Had this question been asked before the Super Bowl ad in which Matthew Broderick riffed on "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," my answer might have been different. But between that and this year being my 20-year high school reunion, I just think of how I was in 1985 and how puffy and old I am now. Do I really want to be reminded of how old I'm getting?

And aside from the idea that Andy would be married to Mikey rather than Brand (it would make sense and provide some conflict), I don't know what else I would want. Because for something like this, it's almost like it's not enough to do a straight sequel. You'd need to add something unexpected, or at the very least, try something that is just completely out of left field. That way, even if it fails, it would be a semi-interesting failure. And once I wrote that sentence, I had my idea for an 80s movie sequel.

"Shermer, Illinois."

It's a documentary about a small Chicago suburb during the celebration of the 200th anniversary of its incorporation. The documentary crew interviews the town's inhabitants, past and present, about what living in Shermer means to them. This way, you get to see what happened to your favorite characters from most of the John Hughes movies without having to frame a whole new story you end up not caring about to frame around it. Because isn't that the part most people are interested in anyway? Whatever happened to that guy? Here are a few ideas.

Samantha Baker: I know I'm a cynic, but did anyone really think Jake Ryan and Sam were going to stay together? I'd like to think that she got married to someone else. How about...

Phil "Duckie" Dale: Sure, he was initially attracted to Sam when they met because she reminded him so much of his friend Andie Walsh (not to be confused with the possible Andy Walsh of the aforementioned Goonies sequel), but they found they had a lot in common once they really got to know each other.

Clark W. Griswold: He canceled plans for a vacation with his family so they'd be in town for the celebration.

Andrew Clark: He's the high school football coach, and his wife, Allison, is the art teacher there.

Ferris Bueller: Recently moved back after serving time in prison for insider trading. Lives with his sister, Jean, and her husband, Jake.

Kevin McCallister: Marketed a safety product that uses a GPS signal to keep tabs on children. He lives by himself.

Gary Wallace, Wyatt Donnelly: Rich off their asses with a Siri competitor that can actually manifest in holographic form.

Feel free to add your own. I could do this all day, but it's almost bedtime, so I have to stop.

Update, Monday morning. Here's what my fellow leaguers came up with, as listed on Cool and Collected.. There's some awesome stuff in there!

• Reis O’Brien at the Lair of the Dork Horde wants to see an intergalactic rematch in The Last Starfighter.
• Shawn Robare, of Branded in the 80′s would love to see more hairy situations with a sequel to The Peanut Butter Solution.
• Christopher Tupa thinks David Bowie still has what it takes and wants to revisit Labyrinth.
• Dex at AEIOU and Sometimes Why also wondered whatever happened with the Labyrinth.
• Michael May’s Adventureblog thinks Tom Cruise should make a followup to Legend (maybe they could call it “Legend-wait for it-ary”).
• TL at Flashlights are Something to Eat wonders whatever happened to the kids from Shermer High’s Breakfast Club.
• Brian at Cool & Collected (that’s me!) was also curious about how the Breakfast Club spent the last 30 years.
• Iok from That Figures chooses to forget the Crystal Skull even happened, and wants to see another Indiana Jones movie.
• Paxton Holley at the Cavalcade of Awesome imagines Matthew Broderick as a top NSA cryptographer in the sequel to War Games.
• The Claymation Werewolf was surprisingly the first to chime in on The Monster Squad (but not the last!).
• Soon after, Double Dumbass on You quickly turned in his report on The Monster Squad.
• And Kevin over at Team Hellions also imagined a sequel to The Monster Squad. (Hollywood, make this happen!)
• Fiji Mermaid at Sideshow Cinema wants to revisit those nice young boys from Kids.
• Tom at Freak Studios was the only one brave enough to tackle a Goonies reunion.
• I haven’t seen Olivia Newton John in a while, but John at Revenge from the Cosmic Ark would love to see a modern sequel to Xanadu (he also had a couple of honorable mentions:Message from Space and Star Crash).
• The Sexy Geeks House of Swag wants to go Back to the Future a fourth time…
• While Colin at Fairplaythings looks into the future 30 years, in anticipation of a Kick Ass sequel with a 75 year old Nic Cage.
• BubbaShelby at Toyriffic also cheated a little and wondered what Scott Pilgrim would be up to in 30 years. (That’s okay guys. The League encourages cheating. We call it “being creative!”)
• Harley at the Eidetic Memory tackled the only animated entry this week in choosing Hey Arnold!
• And finally, Jeff at Siftin’ came up with a documentary idea that absolutely NEEDS to be made: Shermer, Illinois.

Oh, dear God, I'm old.

I wonder if this happens to other people--at some point in your adolescence, time stops. No matter how long something has been, if it's after that cutoff date, it's "new."

For me, this cutoff is around 1985-1988. While I realize Bob Barker let his hair go white almost 25 years ago, I still consider it new. Likewise the Snuggle bear and a bunch of other stuff.

Logically, I know that Aerosmith's "Permanent Vacation" album is 20+ years old, but I don't think of it as being as old now as "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" was when I was watching the video for "Angel." Does that make sense to you?

I mention this because at the end of this block of 80s commercials, there's a spot for Suncheros chips from Keebler. For some ungodly reason, I have this jingle embedded in my brain to the point that "pequeños Keebleros" is among the only Spanish I know.

Sad, really.

I wasn't hallucinating after all...

While poking around the Intarwebs, I found proof of something that, outside of my brother, I've never heard anyone else know of it.

I watched a lot of Disney Channel programming when it debuted way back in the days of stone knives and bear skins. There was Good Morning, Mickey, Mousercise, and Donald Duck Presents, among other shows.

But a show that I had only the faintest memory of--presumably because it didn't last very long--was a Disney game show called Contraption.

Looking back, it was sorta like a weak Disney Double Dare (only before DD existed): there were two teams of kids, questions (about Disney movies, with video clips) and semi-physical challenges.

For answering questions and winning events, teams were awarded "contraptiles," translucent plastic tiles that I presume were supposed to look futuristic. I always had a feeling that there should've been some kind of Mouse Trap-like end game, but no, the tiles just got stacked to see which team earned more.

It seems kinda cheesy now, but it is a nice reminder of when the Disney Channel actually had programming for the whole family, not just the tweens who seem to be their sole demographic target these days. Aside from like 2 hours in the morning, devoted to preschoolers.

The best part is the prize package: record albums, LED Tron tabletop game, tickets to Disneyland (when they still had A through E tickets, from the looks of it, and the grand prize, a TI-99 home computer system.

Here is one episode in four parts. My thanks to the uploader, and as always with YouTube videos, check em out while they're still up.