A writing quandry

I actually prefer writing fiction to nonfiction, not that you'd ever know it by my writing output. Aside from a brief productive period during my junior year in high school in which I managed 125 pages (not coincidentally, in the mostly pre-Internet, pre-insanely addictive guitar-based video games era), I don't get very far in my fiction writing.

Part of it is guilt, I suppose; feeling guilty that I'm taking time from my family by being hunched over the computer. Another part is the feeling that I'm wasting my time--I have nothing "important" to say.

This usually manifests itself in wondering "how the hell would I market this to someone?" The stuff I find myself writing isn't all that easy to explain succinctly. I guess you could say it's funny. I mean, I try for it to be, anyway.

But I don't see many books marketed as comedies; do you? And the humor section is generally essays and other nonfiction.

I started a story for National Novel Writing Month last year, and much like every other story I've started, I haven't finished it yet. At least with this one, I'm still interested in seeing where the story ends up.

But I find myself balancing the notion of justifying spending time and effort on something that will likely only be seen by me and a few friends with the simple fact that when it comes down to it, I have to write. I can't go long without it, lest I get headaches.

Writing: My brain's way of taking a dump.

This is not a thinly veiled plea for compliments, though I admit I have no shame and will take them. It's mostly me just wondering out loud if the stuff I want to write has an audience that makes it worth writing.

Here are a few stories I've worked on in the past few years, boiled down:

Fraternal twins celebrate the end of their 20s by going on a road trip.

Dracula's son and the Frankenstein Monster team up with other monsters to halt a zombie invasion.

A coming-of-age story about a smartass high school student.

I stop once I get to the point that I ask myself why I'm writing it. I mean, those are all interesting to me, but I'm not sure that I'm the average book buyer.

My ultimate goal is to sell a book, but first, I have to finish one, right?

When I was in junior college, the teacher offered a chance for extra credit if we a) made a list of 10 potential markets for our writing and b) submitted a piece to one of those markets.

I'd never submitted anything before, and if I didn't want the extra credit, I probably wouldn't have bothered, because damn near every book on writing tells you not to be discouraged because no one gets accepted on their first submission.

When August rolled around and I got a manila envelope in the mail with a check for $10 and a copy of the magazine my article appeared in, I was ecstatic. Yeah, it was only 10 bucks in a tiny magazine, but I got published on my first try.

A normal person would be inspired by such an event and start churning out reams of stuff, submitting it to every market that seemed to fit.

But since I'd met my goal of being published by the time I turned 21 (I actually beat it by a little over a year), the pressure was off. I set a new goal to publish a book by the time I turned 25.

This turned into 29, 30, and is now resting perilously at 35, which gives me a shade less than two years to get off my ass.

If I were smart, I'd write a story about some wiseass who keeps procrastinating when it comes to a life goal he set when he was in elementary school.

I'll write that when I get around to it. I've still got until November 2009.

Walk this way...

Taking the night off and playing Guitar Hero: Aerosmith. W00t!

My band name is FVB, which stands for Future Villain Band. Before you tell me what a craptacular name for a band that is, watch this:



Badass.

Happiness is a warm Guitar Hero controller

Guitar Hero: Aerosmith comes out soon, and I just read that there's a small chance that there may be a Beatles-themed game in the future. I'll believe it when I see it, but they're looking into it.

Now this intrigues me as a lifelong Beatles fan, but it got me wondering which songs they'd want to use.

"Love Me Do" is catchy, but it's not really Guitar Hero fodder, you know? So I decided to tax my poor little brain and come up with some suggestions.

While My Guitar Gently Weeps

Helter Skelter

And Your Bird Can Sing

Taxman

I Feel Fine

Day Tripper

Birthday

Don't Let Me Down

For You Blue

Something

Free As a Bird

Happiness is a Warm Gun

Here Comes the Sun

I Saw Her Standing There

I Want You (She's So Heavy)

I've Got a Feeling

Norwegian Wood

Paperback Writer

Rain

She's a Woman

Think For Yourself

Michelle

I Call Your Name

Getting Better

The End

That's about 25 Beatles songs, but to fill it out, you could include either bands that inspired them, like Buddy Holly and the Crickets, or bands that covered Beatles tunes (damn near everyone).

I'm sure I'm missing one or two songs that would fit in this kind of game better, but this is a good start. Feel free to add anything I missed in the comments.

I'd almost certainly buy this, though I can't imagine they'd actually be able to use the actual Beatles recordings, so it would be a bunch of cover versions like in the early days of Guitar Hero, but I think I would kick some serious ass at this game, having listened to Beatles songs my entire life.

The song lineup might change a little if this used the full band peripherals that this fall's installment is supposed to use, but I wouldn't imagine drastic changes unless they introduced a piano peripheral, which I tend to doubt.

But I'd be willing to bet that no matter what, "Revolution No. 9" won't make the cut.

Now cut that out!

Here for a fun Friday night are two of my comedy heroes together: Jack Benny and Ernie Kovacs. Enjoy!

Press F5 to construct an adventure

As a pale youth, I spent many an hour perfecting my DC Universe-themed game on Adventure Construction Set, one of my favorite programs for my trusty Commodore 64.

This program allowed you to essentially design your own top-down RPG. It had a metric crapton of tile art that you could repurpose for your gaming needs, and with time and effort, you could even share your completed game with friends.

I was hoping to replicate the then-relatively recent Crisis on Infinite Earths maxiseries. Trying to rename characters and choosing semiappropriate tile graphics took so long that by the time I'd get to renaming locations, I was getting punchy.

I never quite got to the finished stage, alas; too many details kept cropping up. I'd polish up a bunch of stuff, get impatient and let the program finish designing the adventure for me, and then when I played it, I'd get things like Green Lantern entering the Fertile Crescent and being attacked by a snake or something goofy like that.

I also had the pinball and music construction sets, but this one was by far the most played.

Here's an example of the intro and a demo that highlights some of the features. This version is for the Apple II, but it's close enough for our purposes here.



Just thinking about this program makes me remember all the sounds the computer made. Closing the disc drive, listening to it whir, and thinking that you could gauge the progress of the loading by the sounds it made.

It's over 20 years later, and I still have yet to play a kickass Crisis on Infinite Earths game. Maybe I should bust the ACS out again...

Working hard at hardly working

Brody came to work with me today for Take Your Kids to Work Day. We had quite a time. His favorite part aside from hugging all the girls was riding on the train to get there.

And he probably enjoyed our excursion to the nearby toy store. He told me, "The City is my favorite and my best," phrased that way because he's on a Charlie and Lola kick.

He met my coworkers, hung out with other kids and looked deathly bored any time I tried to show him my desk--aside from all the toys on it.

He even got his own badge to wear while in the building, which I think he liked quite a bit.

The part that surprised me the most was when my work pal Jessica asked if he wanted her to tie his balloon to his hand when we left so it wouldn't fly away.

Keep in mind that Brody doesn't like things to touch his hands unless they're other hands. At Trader Joe's, God help us all if someone offers him a sticker.

But he just said, "Okay," and held his hand out as she secured a slipknotted ribbon to his hand. I don't know if she was using the Jedi mind trick on him or what, but I was surprised.

We had pizza for lunch and got to watch a movie later in the afternoon. Good times.

At the end of the day on the ride home, I don't know who was more tired--him or me. I'm just going to go ahead and guess me.

I'm surprised I even managed to stay up late enough to post thizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Catharsis

The fine folks at CNET have crowned their biggest nerd. Wait till a minute or two into this video. It will pay off, I promise.

I think I'm in love with the sundown

I really wish I had the time and skill to create mashups sometimes. Especially in this case, because I can't imagine too many other people making this admittedly tenuous connection.

When I first heard this catchy tune by Beck, there was a little phrase in the verse that sounded familiar, and I couldn't place it until I was listening to it on my way to work one morning. It was early in the morning, and for some ungodly reason, once it hit the chorus, I started to sing "Sundown" by Gordon Lightfoot.

See what you think:






Not a lot the same, but I'd really like to hear these two mashed up...

Bye, George

Just read about George Carlin's passing, so I thought as a tribute to one of my favorite linguists (no kidding), I'd offer up a version of his famous "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television" routine.

You might want to put in the headphones unless you work in a coprolalia clinic.



Not only do I have albums and concert videos, but about half of my son's Thomas the Tank Engine videos are narrated by Carlin. There's a mashup waiting to happen...

Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Have I mentioned that there are some Three Stooges shorts on Hulu now? Here's one of my favorites. Watch for Lucille Ball in this one.

Today's inspirational thought

A giraffe walks into a bar.

"High balls are on me!"

I have a bad feeling about this...

This will overlap some stuff, but that's OK.

UPDATED: StarWarsCrawl.com has been shut down by the Lucasfilm Buzzkill Brigade, alas. Well, it made me laugh while it was up.

(That's what she said.)

Best cookie ever?

The DoubleStuf Oreo is for wussies.

Behold:



The OctupleStuf. Snack of champions.

And guys who have to much spare time at lunch.

Because it's always funny

We've all killed time playing cute platform puzzle games by now. But now here's a question: how do you make one that I will play for more than 2 minutes?

If you answered "boobs," you get half credit for knowing me that well.

However, if you answered "Puzzle Farter," give yourself a prize.

No, really.

Crossword results: Fountains of win

How did you do on the crossword challenge?

I actually had to consult two reference books--which meant I had to go all the way down into the garage--but I managed to finish it all without the use of the Internet, just like the pioneers did all those years ago.

It's somehow fitting that one of the answers in the puzzle was "ass." At least, my wife thinks so.

Here's my work, screw-ups and all:

Jeff's No-Internet Challenge!

Okay, technically, it's mostly a challenge for me, but if you want to join in the fun, have at it. Here's the deal:

Below, I have scanned in a TV Guide crossword from the week of Nov. 2, 1974. Yes, I'm that much of a nerd that I have a copy of the TV Guide that was current the day I was born, right down to the right regional edition. But that's not important right now.

TV Guide puzzles, by and large, are not known for their difficulty. However, how would I fare at one that demanded pop culture knowledge from 33 and a half years ago? And just to make it interesting, I can't use any Internet resources; only whatever would've been at my disposal back in 1974.

Like I said, you can give it a shot yourself. I'll be back tomorrow to see how we all did. Let me know how you did in the comments if you'd like.

How young is too young to be manipulative?

Kids will get into stuff no matter how much you have kidproofed your house. I stayed home with the kids today, and my daughter was trying to get into everything.

To try to express the importance of not doing such things, I raised my voice--not in an evil-sounding way.

Now keep in mind that she's 10 months old, so she's not much of a conversationalist.

After I picked her up and moved her into the living room, I told her that I didn't want her to get into that stuff because she could get hurt.

She looked at me, smiled widely and gave me a big kiss.

And then went right back where I told her not to go.

Kids.

Happy Father's Day

No pithy comments today. Just sincere Happy Father's Day wishes.

E.T. the extra-functional

Of all the store catalogs I used to comb through to plan birthday and Christmas wish lists, the Best Products catalog was one of my favorites.

I loved going to that store. Whether it was testing out the keyboards by playing "Axel F" or drooling over the G.I. Joe aircraft carrier, I almost always saw something to covet.

The pneumatic tube system they used always fascinated me. You'd write down the number of the items you wanted, handed it to the person behind the counter, and they'd put it in a tube, and SHOOOP--it would get sucked up into the ceiling.

Anyway, I was looking at an old catalog--from 1983--and came across this gem.



This is the Hasbro E.T. Roommate--Product 358010HF if you're writing this down. For the low, low price of $49.97, you too could have this creepy-as-hell hamper/toy chest/cat prison.

Imagine waking up in the middle of the night and bumping into that thing, especially if you were as little as the kid in the picture. I liked E.T. as much as the next kid, but come on. And what's with the Amy Winehouse eye makeup he's got going on?

"They tried to make me go to fed lab, I said phone, phone home..."

No, really. This was a movie.

I think I've mentioned before that after reading The Golden Turkey Awards, my introduction to the world of crap movies, I made it a goal to see all the movies listed in the book.

The 1970s, as I'm finding out by watching old crappy movies, was a time of high-concept cinema. Literally, no matter how brain-crackingly stupid the premise was, it didn't keep a movie from being made.

This was the era, after all, of the Bee Gees' musical wonder, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. I always wondered if the Beatles actually saw the movie, and if so, what they thought of it.

But I digress.

1972 gave us the antidrug, pro-Christian turkey vampire biker horror movie Blood Freak. 1976 unleashed Chatterbox upon the world. I'm a little at a loss as to explaining the premise of this comedy in a mildly tasteful fashion.

Really struggling here.

Okay, any impressionable or easily offended types, you may want to stop right here. I won't blame you.

Here it goes:

A lady discovers that her hoohah (to use the clinical term) can talk and sing.

I excrete you not; this was a real movie. In The Golden Turkey Awards, it was a nominee for "Most Unerotic Concept in Pornography," but alas, was beaten (so to speak) by Him, a movie about, well, you look it up. I have my limits.

Now technically, I haven't watched Chatterbox yet. I don't know exactly when I'll get around to it. I mean, seriously, what kind of a mood do you have to be in to watch a talking hoohah movie?