Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Only one will survive...

The battle royale.

Having been about 10 when the first Wrestlemania came out, the idea of a mass battle was firmly engrained in my little brain.

Add to that a healthy appetite for comic books, and you can imagine how much time my friends and I would spend coming up with ideas of how these battles might turn out.

The Justice League of America vs. The Avengers.

Freddy vs. Jason.

Battle of the Network Stars

After all these years, it's still hard not to think this way. So when I was up with my son at the crack of dawn so he could watch Playhouse Disney, my tired brain came up with

The Wiggles vs. The Doodlebops!

He wakes up at 5:30. Let's not expect too much from me, OK? To be honest, as kid shows go, they're not bad. It's just after the 50,000th viewing, you get a little punchy. And before we get started, kids, let's remember that neither one of these teams really would fight. Fighting is bad.

Even if it's entertaining.

The Wiggles have the early advantage, as there are four of them compared with the three Doodlebops. If you wanted to even the playing field, I guess the Doodlebops could drag in Bus Driver Bob, but I think I'll stick with the base group.

Besides, if they get Bus Driver Bob, the Wiggles could bring in Dorothy the Dinosaur or Captain Feathersword (the friendly pirate).

The rosters

The Wiggles:

Greg, Murray, Anthony and Jeff

The Doodlebops:

Deedee, Rooney and Moe.

Now that I think of it, the 4-to-3 odds don't really come in to play because Jeff, of course, would be asleep during the whole battle.

Things get off to a rousing start when Murray, wielding his red guitar, dispatches Rooney, who folds like a cheap tent. This is a purely strategic move; Rooney is the team's inventor. By taking him out, that reduces the weapons the Doodlebops will have.

Alas, Murray forgets that Deedee Doodle, like Ben Folds, is a fan of the keytar. There's a dischordant noise and Murray is down, the impression of keytar keys on his forehead and tiny Dorothy the Dinosaurs dancing around his head.

Deedee is clearly on a roll when she puts sleeping powder in a sandwich and offers it to Anthony, who promptly falls asleep after eating it.

But Greg knows Moe's weakness and decides to exploit it. Just in Moe's line of sight is a rope. He tries to resist, but he knows that he can't.

Deedee sees it a little too late.

"Don't pull the rope!"

Moe, true to form, pulls the rope, dislodging a cinder block that bonks him on the head.

That just leaves Deedee and Greg. Only one will survive.

Deedee rushes Greg.

At the last minute, Greg grabs his magic wand from his back pocket and waves it at the top hat conspicuously placed on the floor.

Before Deedee can reach Greg, a rabbit pops out of the hat and grabs her. The rabbit pulls her back into the hat with him, her screams dwindling as she disappears.

The commotion over, Greg sits at the table and sips a cup of Rosy Tea.

It tastes good.

Like victory.


  1. Anonymous7:33 AM

    Alas, I can see this actually happening. My son is a big fan of thw wiggles, though having lost cablew recently (costs too much) I know not of the doodlebugs. But I think you captured the wiggles perfectly

  2. Anonymous7:53 AM

    this was fantastic, I totally agree that the wiggles would be triumphant. Something about not debasing themselves with a ton of plastic hair and make-up that makes the wiggles better. Not to mention they have a wider variety of song choices. One can only listen to "wobbly whoopsie" so many times before becoming tired of it.

  3. The Wiggles would TOTALLY Kick the Doodlebops booties! No brainer. LOL

  4. Anonymous7:30 PM

    Well, I was gonna write that the Doodlebops might have a secret weapon in the form of Dee Dee's feminine wilds. But after seeing the men of the Wiggles, I have a strange suspicion that they wouldn't be vulnerable. ^_^

    Call me crazy...