Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Bad Movies From A to Z Extra: The rules

When I watch movies for Bad Movies From A to Z, there are some rules that I follow, which, being the kind fellow I am, I will share with you. There is one pre-rule, if you will, that I recommend for others, even though I don't follow it myself.

Watch these with at least one other person.

A small group is even better, but if you have a friend with you, it makes the movie, no matter how bad it is, a little easier to get through. Misery loves company, after all. Plus, some movies really shouldn't be watched alone. This is why many of the movies on my list aren't actually that bad. As horror host Mr. Lobo (who, by the way, is a pretty swell guy) says, "They're not bad movies ... just misunderstood." Words to live by.

Here is the list. Commit it to memory. There may be a quiz later.

1. The movie MUST be watched all the way through without fast-forwarding. Not only is that cheating, but you may miss the one or two pieces of actual plot.

2. If a character in the movie mentions the title of the movie itself, everyone claps. Do this every time the title is mentioned. I suppose you could make a drinking game out of this, but most movies I've seen only pull this gag once or twice. There are exceptions, though.

3. Sobriety is not necessarily your friend. While I have been stone sober for every movie I've watched (strangely, I've never been drunk in my entire life), there are many times when I wished this wasn't the case. As always, drink responsibly, and, for the love of God, never mix beer and Clamato. Seriously. It's vile.

4. You must make fun of the movie. I know some people hate it when people talk during a movie, but this is the whole point. Trust me: it is no better in complete silence. You aren't going to miss the one line that makes it a good movie. It's just not there. Besides, not only will you be motivated to scream at the screen, but you may find yourself throwing things. See rule 9.

5. Snacks are imperative, because some of these flicks are snoozefests no matter what genre. You will need fuel. Plus, what kind of host are you if you have a bunch of people over and don't provide snacks? If anyone has issues with eating during splatter movies, try to find out before you order pizza. Nothing ruins the moment like having to pause the movie after someone does the old Technicolor yawn all over the floor.

6. There is no rule 6.

7. Swearing is encouraged. The more creative, the better. If you aren't much of a swearer, you will be after you sit all the way through something like Pieces and then see the ending.

8. Feel free to point out good parts of the movie. It never hurts to be charitable. But don't overdo it: "Wow, you can hardly see those strings..."

9. Try not to throw anything heavy at the TV. Popcorn's OK, but avoid empty bottles. Or people.

10. Double features are great if you've got the time. Clever pairings can make a painful experience a little more pleasant. Don't just go for the obvious, like Creepshow and Creepshow 2. You can try a classic pairing like I Drink Your Blood and I Eat Your Skin, or something a little different, like The Exorcist 2: The Heretic and All Dogs Go to Heaven. If you are too lazy, Something Weird Video offers a ton of double-feature discs.

11. A good rule of thumb: Sequels suck. They are, in fact, suquels. There are exceptions to this (Evil Dead 2, The Empire Strikes Back), but if the first one wasn't that good, odds are that the second one (and more to the point, the third, fourth and successive suquels) will be worse. That's good news for you, because that's what you want. You can also get cool double-feature discs from Something Weird Video.

12. Small budget does not always equal sucky movie. Just as big budget does not always equal good movie.

13. No matter how bad the worst movie you've seen is, there's always something out there that is worse. One that is so bad, it makes your previous worst movie look like Citizen Kane.

No comments:

Post a Comment