Sunday, October 23, 2005

If there's a gazebo with a giant cheeseburger on it, I want my money back

Oh, dear.

I discovered this potentially horrifying event from the good folks at WFMU's Beware the Blog.

There's a movie in production called Across the Universe.

From the plot summary on (which, for all I know, could be completely bogus):
A romantic musical told mainly through numerous Beatles songs performed by the characters.

I may be overreacting, as I know next to nothing about this. But what else is the Internet for if not bemoaning the poor quality of as-yet-unfinished movies? It could be quite clever and make good use of the Beatles songs.

On the other hand, it could be another "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."

A quick description: Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees are the titular musicians in this dialogue-free (except for narration from George Burns) musical. An evil real estate developer steals the magical instruments that keep Heartland happy, and it's up to our heroes to get them back while dealing with skyrocketing to fame.

This, I'm sure, will surprise no one: I like this movie. Have since I was about 5. Not because it's any good. It's astounding, really.

It has something never seen before or since in a movie. I will try to explain this as best I can. Keep in mind that this really happens.

Oh, and should you care about what meager plot development is in this flick, don't read ahead if you want the end spoiled.

Okay, we've got only a few minutes left in the movie, and things are looking pretty grim. The band reclaimed the instruments, but after a (ahem) spectacular battle between SPLHCB (man, if you think I'm typing Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band again, you're crazy) and the Future Villain Band (essayed quite menacingly by Aerosmith; yes, Aerosmith was defeated by Peter Frampton and the Bee Gees), Strawberry Fields, girlfriend of lead singer Billy Shears (Frampton), pays the ultimate price.

But no expense is spared, and Strawberry is laid out in a glass coffin, to which Billy's bandmates sing "Carry That Weight," because, hey, they already used "She's So Heavy" earlier.

And yes, I know the real title is "I Want You (She's So Heavy)," but that would've ruined the joke, and we wouldn't want that, would we?

After the funeral, the bandmates are hanging out and mourning. Poor Billy is quite distraught. In fact, he can't bear to live without his love, so he decides to commit suicide --

-- by jumping from a second story window in his house.

Sure, if he does it right, he can easily die. People have died from lesser falls. But he leaps so that he would land on his back, so I don't know how badly he'd be hurt. But we're not supposed to be thinking about this, because it's very sad and dramatic.

Now as Billy is taking a flying leap, something strange is afoot at City Hall. Atop the building is a magic weather vane shaped like the town's beloved original Sgt. Pepper. It is said that it "would always point the way to happiness."

But there is no happiness in Heartland, so it spins and spins, looking for a direction in which happiness might be found. It spins around so fast that the weather vane is transformed into

Billy Preston in a gold lamé Sgt. Pepper uniform!


He begins to sing "Get Back" and uses his magical powers to first reverse Billy's trajectory.

After that, with a flick of a finger, he changes the major and minor villains' clothes to choirboy, nun, pope and saint (beats me...).

Then, faster than you can say deus ex weather vane, Strawberry is returned to the land of the living and they all live happily ever after.

How do you top that?

Well ...

The magical Pepper's last feat is to transport a gazillion musicians and celebrities to the steps of City Hall for a reprise of the title song.

All of this, I guess, is a really long way of saying that this new movie would have to try reeeeeeeeally hard to be the weirdest Beatle-related/based movie.

Don't forget, there's also the earlier "All This and World War II," in which covers of Beatles songs are paired with World War II news footage.


Sadly, this movie was released shortly after my second birthday, and I've never seen it on video, so I can't say authoritatively that it sucks like a Hoover with a hemi.

But I could probably hazard a guess...

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous2:38 PM

    Across the universe could definately turn out bad but I doubt it will be as bad as Sgt Peppers lonely hearts club band. Because from what I hear it was a very poorly planned and put together movie.