Things we said today

Today, I wanted to share a sad story with you. It's about the breakup of a relationship.

As told with Beatles songs. Some are covers, but all were performed by the Beatles. Enjoy.

"Martha, my dear."
"Oh, Darling..."
"Love me do."
"I will."
"Why don't we do it in the road?"
"You can't do that!"
"Wait..."
"Leave my kitten alone!"
"I want you."
"I should have known better."
"Honey, don't!"
"All you need is love."
"Don't let me down."
"I'm so tired..."
"Tell me why."
"Because."
"That means a lot."
"You like me too much."
"It's only love!"
"We can work it out..."
"Hold me tight!"
*No reply*
"Julia..."
"What goes on?"
"Honey Pie!"
"Another girl?"
"Help!"
"How do you do it?"
"I want to tell you."
"Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey."
"She came in through the bathroom window. I saw her standing there."
"She loves you?"
"Tell me what you see."
"I've just seen a face."
"I'm a loser."
"Bad boy."
"Baby, it's you!"
"Don't bother me."
"I need you!"
"Getting better..."
"I wanna be your man!"
"If I needed someone..."
"I'm happy just to dance with you!"
"That'll be the day."
"I'll get you."
"When I'm 64!"
"I'll keep you satisfied."
"Boys."
"Any time at all."
"Get back."
"Long, long, long..."
"It won't be long."
"I'll be on my way."
"Good night."
"I lost my little girl..."
"You won't see me."
"I'll cry instead."


The End

Why I don't work for Marvel...

I would have killed for something like this when I was a kid. Well, okay, I would've killed for the Internet when I was a kid. But I saw that Marvel has a little create your own comic app on the Marvel Super Hero Squad site.

It's a pretty simple drag-and-drop design, and you can scale the graphics and word balloons. You even get a choice of cool comic fonts to use as well.

If you don't feel like you have an epic comic book story to tell, you can start with a single comic strip. I gave that a shot, and I was surprised how quickly you can put something together. Click to embiggen.

Yeah, I think we can see why I don't work for Marvel...

When you care enough to print the very best...

You old people like me may remember laboring over making a banner in Print Shop on your Apple II or your Commodore 64, picking the perfect graphic and selecting the right font, only for the damn thing to rip in half when you actually tried to hang it.

This is, of course, assuming you didn't accidentally tear it when you were taking off the pinfeeds.

Do you find yourself feeling oddly nostalgic when you hear the sound of a dot-matrix printer? I inherited our old Commodore 128 (we used it almost exclusively in C64 mode) and discs, and while I was moving the storage bin around the other day, I poked around the inside and found the old reference card for Print Shop.

There were a few years there in the mid-80s when I thought Hallmark was going to fold because I was making so many birthday cards myself. With eight fonts and 50 graphics, I'm surprised with the number of different cards, posters and banners I was able to make. And once we got Print Shop Companion, I had even more options.

My font of choice was Tech. Surprise, surprise. Least favorite: Party. Even to this day I hate that font--and fonts like it. I call it Dingleball.

And my favorite among the graphics? No. 26, the skull. I was told after a few times that while cool, it was not necessarily the best choice for birthday cards. Whatever.

Just looking at this thing brought back so many memories of spending time in front of my trusty Commodore or in front of one of the Apples in my junior high school's computer lab. I liked my Commodore better, of course, since it had a full-color monitor; those Apple monitors were a pain in the ass for me to see, either because they were overused or because of my mild color-blindness.

Plus, one of our neighbors down the street was an avid C64 junkie, and he'd hook my brother and me up with all sorts of games, from Space Taxi to Impossible Mission. It makes me wonder if in the future, my kids will look at the tech of today with a bit of nostalgic love, or if they'll regard it as just another ubiquitous appliance like a toaster.

The two great tastes that--okay, maybe not.

I was thinking of those commercials for Reese's Peanut Butter Cups; the ones that say there's no wrong way to eat one. I say they just haven't used their imaginations. With that in mind, I offer you:

The Top 13 Wrong Ways to Eat a Reese's
13. Atom by atom.
12. Sharing it with a piranha.
11. On a hamburger.
10. Off the blades of a whirling blender.
9. Flambe.
8. While knowing you're allergic to peanuts.
7. In front of Batman. Mofo loves him some Reese's.
6. During your tristate killing spree.
5. When you're expecting guests in R'lyeh; the chocolate gets all over your face tentacles. (Note: This only applies if you are Cthulhu.)
4. While running naked through PetSmart (that's according to the cops, anyway).
3. Off a hooker's ass (according to my wife).
2. Like Brundlefly.
1. Rectally.

Face for podcasts

Eric Franklin and Dong Ngo host the always-entertaining Inside CNET Labs podcast. This week, they asked me to be a guest, and since I never say no to being in front of a microphone, I happily agreed. So now you can hear my James Earl Jones-like voice pontificate about various nerdery. If you're not already listening, you'd better start. It's like a nerdy Knights of the Algonquin Round Table.

Plus, I discovered that we can say "boner" in the podcast.

I love to love "Love to Love You Bradys"

My earliest memory is of watching "The Brady Bunch" on a black-and-white TV while loading my diaper. Now, this may come as a bit of a shock, but I wasn't actually alive when "The Brady Bunch" was originally on the air. Missed it by a few months.

The first Brady incarnation in my lifetime was the immortal "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour." Alas, as I was only 2, I didn't have much power over channel choice, and I didn't get to see any of it until about 20 years later, when I finally got to watch the opening number of the first episode, in which the Bradys, decked out in polyesterrific, spangled outfits, sing a medley of "Baby Face" and (naturally) Donna Summer's "Love to Love You Baby."

My brain is still recovering.

If you've seen any bit of "The Brady Bunch Variety Hour," you probably have the same questions that I had, most of which are permutations of OMGWTFBBQ?! How did this get on the air? Why did this get on the air? What happened to Jan? And if you haven't, check out this montage:



Luckily for you (and Brady junkies like me), the trio of Ted Nichelson, Lisa Sutton, and Susan Olsen (yes, that Susan Olsen) teamed up to bring the world "Love to Love You Bradys: The Bizarre Story of The Brady Bunch Variety Hour," the most in-depth record of this show that will likely ever exist in this or any other world.

Being the self-centered sort I am, I can't help but feel this was written for me. I mean, it's a 300-plus-page book about a famously awful show that ran for only nine episodes. How could I not want to read this?

Sincerely, I loved this book. As a fan of things deemed unsuccessful, I'm always curious as the story behind these productions. No one sets out to make a giant steaming pile of a movie or TV show. And in this book, you get to hear from all kinds of people involved in the production of this infamous program. Writers, dancers, and of course, actors--there are really no areas missed or stones unturned in this photo-laden delight.

Despite the length, it is a speedy read, and there are lots of juicy insider tidbits. I won't reveal them; you should experience the fun for yourself.

I don't think that's what KFC stands for...

Someone needs to make a picture of this that has Kanye interrupting him.

Oh, dear God, I'm old.

I wonder if this happens to other people--at some point in your adolescence, time stops. No matter how long something has been, if it's after that cutoff date, it's "new."

For me, this cutoff is around 1985-1988. While I realize Bob Barker let his hair go white almost 25 years ago, I still consider it new. Likewise the Snuggle bear and a bunch of other stuff.

Logically, I know that Aerosmith's "Permanent Vacation" album is 20+ years old, but I don't think of it as being as old now as "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" was when I was watching the video for "Angel." Does that make sense to you?

I mention this because at the end of this block of 80s commercials, there's a spot for Suncheros chips from Keebler. For some ungodly reason, I have this jingle embedded in my brain to the point that "pequeños Keebleros" is among the only Spanish I know.

Sad, really.

Patrick Swayze, RIP

While I imagine other folks are sharing clips from "Dirty Dancing," "Donnie Darko," "Red Dawn," "Ghost," or one of a kajillion movies Patrick Swayze made during his too-short lifetime, how many are sharing a clip from "Skatetown USA."

Oedipus wrecks

Much as "Plan 9 From Outer Space" gets pegged as "The worst movie ever made," there's a little show that (unfairly, in my opinion) makes the tops of the "worst TV shows ever made" list.

That's not to say this is up there with "Mary Tyler Moore" or "M.A.S.H."

This show features everyday schlub Dave Crabtree, who, while looking for a family car on a used car lot, stumbles across a 1928 Porter. This beater of a car just happens to be (you should probably sit down for this, especially if you took some Nyquil) his reincarnated mother who communicates to him through the car radio.

Yes, it's "My Mother the Car," starring future Big Lots pitchman Jerry van Dyke (okay, he was on "Coach," too) as beleaguered Dave Crabtree, and Ann Sothern as the voice of Dave's mother.

Now aside from dealing with reincarnation as a given--the theme song even starts with "Everybody knows in the second life, we all come back sooner or later."--this was essentially "Mr. Ed" with wheels.

But if you stop to think for a few seconds, which is something that often gets me into trouble, you'll realize how creepy the show's premise is. I'll wait for you.

::checks watch::

See what I mean? Okay, so this grown man is riding around in his mom. Is this supposed to symbolize returning to the womb or something? It's different this time, though, because he's the one in control. This is getting creepier already.

I haven't watched every episode yet, but I'm hoping they had the sense to avoid any prolonged scenes of Dave filling her up at the gas station.

God, I think I need a shower after that. And I didn't even approach the topic of farting in the car, especially when stuck in traffic. I don't do such things, of course, but I've heard about them.

Now that I've skeeved everyone out, I should mention that you can watch the entire series--all 30 episodes--on Hulu. I've taken the liberty of embedding a couple of episodes below.

In the first episode, the series' premise is laid out in checklist manner, even making sure to introduce a comic nemesis for Dave--in this case, the crazy car collector Captain Manzini, played by Avery Schreiber, who to me will always be the guy in the old Doritos commercials.

He wants the 1928 Porter for his collection. His schtick is that he never gets Dave's last name right. I don't know if this gag was ever funny, but I can't help but think it was already played out by the time this show hit the air.

In the second episode here, about midway through the series' run, Manzini is still after Dave's car, but this time he's threatening to shrink the car to the size of a toy if Dave doesn't sell it to him.

Now keep in mind, this isn't a horrible show; it's just not really that great. I've seen worse shows, that's for sure. But even if this is one of the worst shows ever, I'm happy to see it on Hulu so we can all make fun of it together.

Goodbye, productivity

Okay, Batman: Arkham Asylum is awesomesauce, and Guitar Hero 5 is pretty friggin' cool, too. Next week, Beatles: Rock Band comes out, and a week after that (I think), Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 comes out.

Where does one go to secure a sugar daddy or mommy?

Nerdgasm

Okay, I may have mentioned this before, but 30 years ago, there was a show on NBC called "Whodunnit?", which was a murder-mystery game show.

I remember seeing just a bit of the show--at the time, I was only 4. The part I remembered was Erik Estrada playing a singer who is electrocuted by his microphone and the incredibly cheesy effect used for the electrocution.

If you skip to about 2:30 in the video below, you'll see the few seconds of footage that has been embedded in my brain for the last three decades.

Now that I've seen it again, hopefully that will open up a little portion of brain that I can use to remember something important, like my kids' birthdays, my cell phone number, or the theme song to "Tic Tac Dough."

Summer vacation is almost over

My unplanned blogging sabbatical is almost at an end. Stay tuned.

Two great tastes that go better together

I don't know why this popped into my head, but I started thinking of ideas for movie/children's book mashups and what some of the titles might be. After sharing with a few friends, I got a few more suggestions (noted in the list below). Here's what I came up with so far:

Harold and the Purple Crayon Go To White Castle

The Last House on the Left Where the Sidewalk Ends

Bob, Ted, Beezus and Ramona

Tales From the Crypt of a Fourth-Grade Nothing

Are You There, God? It's Me, Forrest Gump (Karyne)

Ramona the Braveheart

Goodnight Moon Over Parador

Alexander, and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day After Tomorrow

The Secret Garden State (Karyne)

If You Give a Mouse That Roared a Cookie

Regarding Henry Huggins

The Lion, the Witches of Eastwick, and the Wardrobe

Peter Pan's Labyrinth

Scream, Bunnicula, Scream

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Big Fish

The Cat People in the Hat

Hush Hush, Sweet Charlotte's Web

Charlie and the Chocolat Factory

I Shot Jesse James and the Giant Peach

Stuart Little Shop of Horrors

Enter The Reluctant Dragon

There's Something About Mary Poppins

Bread and Space Jam for Frances

Anne of the Green Berets

Fried Green Eggs and Ham

The Trouble With Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

Pat the Brown Bunny

Hop on Monterey Pop

Go, Ghost Dog, Go

The Wonderful Wizard of Zardoz

Ramona and Her Father of the Bride

How the West Was Won Once Upon a Potty

Ramona and Her Mother, Jugs, and Speed

The Cricket Over Tiananmen Square

Nowhere to Heidi

Little House on the Prairie Home Companion

The Best Little Whorehouse on the Prairie in Texas

Meet the Swiss Family Robinsons

The Velveteen Rabbit Test

Ten Little Indians in the Cupboard

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Spongebob Squarepants

A Little Princess Bride

The Cat on a Hot Tin Roof Ate My Gymsuit

The Doll's House on Haunted Hill

A Mighty Wind in the Willows

A Rumble Fish Called Wanda

Batman and The Outsiders

That Was Then, This is Apocalypse Now

The Phantom Tollbooth of the Opera

A Wrinkle Somewhere in Time

Pippin Longstocking

The Call of the Wild Bunch

Single White Fang

Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!

Where the Wild Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead Are

The Unsinkable Encyclopedia Brown

Journey to the Center of This Island Earth

20,000 Leagues Under the Sea of Love

Ivanho-tep

What Little Women Want

Rebecca of Sunnybrook Funny Farm

You, Me, and Everyone Poops (Sarah)

Bad News Berenstain Bears (Karyne)

Conducting an experiment

While working this afternoon, I had a random brainfart:

Asslol: That person who keeps sending you LOLcats while you're trying to get work done.

So I sent it out on Twitter to get it into circulation. But I don't have that many followers on Twitter, so it only got repeated a little bit.

Well, that wasn't going to work.

Instead of relying on myself with 200-some-odd followers, I decided to ask a pal who had slightly more followers. In less than 20 minutes, it had already been retweeted 13 times.

Interesting.

Which reminds me:

What plane only flies on weekdays, anyway?

I think my brain just asploded.

Brief conversation with my daughter, aged 19 months

We're in the living room, listening to music. Out of nowhere, Ramona unleashes a burp that rattles the glass on the entertainment center.

"Ramona, what do you say?"

"Nice."

Can you tell she's my daughter?

Watch out for The Villain

I got The Villain from Netflix recently to watch with my son. I saw it when I was his age and dug it a lot. Hey, it was a bunch of cartoony gags and Ann-Margret.

Brody wasn't very interested at first, but the more he recognized the Wile E. Coyote-style shenanigans, he paid more attention until after each one, he'd ask, "Now what is he going to do?"

He was so enthralled by the end that he sat next to me on the couch and said, "Let's watch this together." I'm glad he did, because the look on his face when he saw the last gag of the movie (with some very familiar music for him) was priceless. His jaw was agape, his mouth showing both surprise and happiness.

"You are, I was about to say, no longer eligible."

Actual conversation between me and the missus:

Me: "I think you can only get unemployment for 36 weeks."

Her: "Where did you hear that?"

Me, pausing as I realize the source: "Um, 'Superman 3.'"

Her: "You are such a nerd. When did that movie come out?"

Me: "1983."

Kids, this is why you don't come to me for important, useful information.

Living a charmed life

So not only am I writing a cool project that I love, not only am I seeing "Watchmen" tomorrow night on IMAX, but with my dinner tonight, I had...

a Shamrock Shake.

It's been years. And I didn't have to explain it or anything. It was even on the menu board.

Can I get an amen?

1979: The year the drugs kicked in

I've been doing research for a project I'm doing at work, which just launched last week. If I were a shameless self-promotional whore, I'd post a link to it, but we all know better, don't we?

I'm writing about TV shows--specifically those that make you go WTF? While entering the first batch of shows into my spreadsheet (yes, I'm a hopeless nerd), I noticed a disproportionate number of shows launched in 1979.

Part of this could be that 1979 is where my TV watching really started in earnest, or it could just be that the drugs finally took effect, resulting in really odd show premises.

In "Salvage 1," Andy Griffith plays the owner of a salvage company who decides to build a spaceship so he can salvage junk left on the moon.

"Supertrain" also debuted in 1979. Clearly, this was a banner year for crap.

Coincidentally, my brother was born in 1979. You do the math.

At any rate, I'm really jazzed about this project, and I'm hoping to make a trek out to Southern California to visit the Paley Center for Media and check out their library of old shows. I could practically live there, they've got so much stuff I want to see.

The Force is strong with this one

My son got a glowstick from a birthday party he went to over the weekend. He'd never seen one, so I showed him how it worked. My wife cracked the inner chamber, and as it began to glow, I herded him into the bathroom--the only dark place in the house.

It was a shining green by that point, and it reminded me of the crystal in Superman's rocket from the first Superman movie.

"Check it out, Brody. Just like in 'Superman.'"

He looked at it for a second, then took it from me. He began swinging it around.

"VRRRRMMMMMMM! RMMMMMMMMMMSSHHHHH!"

He then said he wanted a green lightsaber. It was one of those proud dork dad moments.

Start your weekend off right

No, I'm still here, honest...

Siftin' Headquarters has been plagued by a number of rotating illnesses, so I haven't had as much time as I'd have liked to work on things. But everything seems to be quieting down, so things should resume fairly normally in the next day or so.

Button, button, who's got the button?

My wife and I went antiquing this weekend. No, we didn't go around pelting the unsuspecting with flour.

I found lots of interesting pop culture items, only a few of which I could actually purchase.

Here are two buttons I got.

The one on the bottom was clearly a promotional item for Swanson, presumably their line of TV dinners.

But the NBT on NBC button, I have no idea. I'm sure someone out there has a clue. Let me know so I'm not up all night puzzling over it.

Oddest question I've seen in a while

I like the Internet. It makes me seem normal by comparison. Check out this Yahoo Answers question. And no, it's not me.

Of Sesame Street and 70s sitcoms

I've been up to my eyeballs in old TV shows lately, and while watching an episode of Three's Company, I was struck by one of those connections that was made in my 4-year-old brain. I finally realized who Mrs. Roper reminded me of when I was a kid.

Now, I wouldn't necessarily make this connection now, but these two will always be linked in my head. And while we're on the topic of Sesame Street, I can't see Snuffleupagus without being reminded of another character from another 70s ABC show.

I think it's the eyes. Snuffy and Al Molinaro have those sad eyes.

Still alive...

My computer's power supply took a dump, and I fixed that, only to find that my keyboard crapped out, too.

So in the meantime, enjoy:


Find more videos like this on Geeks!

In no particular order...

I mentioned a while back that I was working on a list of TV shows that are my must-sees, not necessarily because they are supposed to be particularly good, but because they intrigue me for one reason or another.

1. Turn-On

This hyper version of Laugh-In aired exactly once (Feb. 5, 1969) before being axed like Lizzie Borden's parents. The premise was that it was hosted by a computer that was ostensibly responsible for offering up the scatter-fire comedy sketches, blackouts and gags. Each week's show would have a guest star, and in the only episode that aired, Tim Conway was the unlucky guest.

So poorly received was this show that some ABC affiliates canceled the show midway through. How could I not want to see this?

2. Supertrain

You can learn everything you want about this "Love Boat on a train" NBC flop at the awesome Supertrain Web site.

3. The Ugliest Girl in Town

This 60s show featured love and cross-dressing. Oddly, it didn't catch on and was canceled after a few months. Who'da thunk?

4. Whodunnit?

Okay, technically, I saw this one, but as it was only on in April and May on 1979, I was only 4, so I don't have a total mental record of it. In fact, the only reason I want to see it is because of the only part I remember.

Here's TV.com's summary:

Three contestants competed in this short-lived prime time game show. First, a mystery was presented in two acts. If by after the 2nd act a contestant locks in a suspect and is correct, that player wins $10,000.

Then the interrogation round begins as experts questions the witnesses. Then the contestants can lock in a suspect for $5,000. The suspect is revealed & payoffs are paid. If you're wrong, your consolation prize was a color TV.

All I remember is one episode that featured Erik Estrada. I don't know if he was supposed to be a rock star, but I remember seeing him grab a microphone and getting electrocuted with a cheesy over-the-top electrical effect.

For 30 years that memory has been lodged in my brain. I finally found out that it came from this show only a few years ago. The major problem is that it only had a handful of episodes, and no my knowledge, was never rerun.

I can only hope that some early tech adopter out there had a VCR and taped the show, because that may be my only chance to see it again and expunge it from my memory.

I keep checking the various video sites like YouTube in hopes that someone will upload one of these. I'm sure it's just a matter of time.

After all, misery loves company.

Bob Wilkins, R.I.P.

Daryl stopped in mid-sentence and gave me a look.

"Dude, stand right there. Don't move." He raised his camera and snapped a picture. "Okay, got it."

I had been lamenting the fact that I was to shy to ask former Creature Features host Bob Wilkins if I could take a picture with him when I stuttered hello at his table at WonderCon. Luckily, as we were hanging out outside, Mr. Wilkins happened to be walking right past, so Daryl snapped the shot for me.

Though I didn't get to watch the show that Bob (and later, John Stanley) hosted on a regular basis since it was difficult tricking my parents into letting me stay up real late to watch it, I saw it often enough for my taste in movies to be forever warped.

Several years ago, the day the picture was taken, I talked to Mssrs. Wilkins and Stanley and told them that I wasn't sure if I should thank them or blame them for getting me hooked on these movies.

I know I've told this story before, but it seemed relevant, as Bob lost his battle with Alzheimer's disease this week. He was 76. I have tapes of some of the old shows -- my brother bought them from Bob one year I couldn't make it to WonderCon -- so I'll probably pop them in the old VCR this weekend.

A crappy story for the new year

Just to warn you right now, this story is a little gross.

When I was about 6 or 7 (I thought I was younger, but a cursory Google search leans more toward the early 80s), 9-Lives used Sylvester from the Warner Bros. cartoons to shill for their cat food.

I found a picture of a cel from the commercial:

Now I hadn't heard about this revelation despite being a gigantic Looney Tunes fan, primarily because there was no Internet.

So one day while I was dutifully reading a book, I heard my mom call from the living room, "Jeff! Sylvester's on TV!" Again, in my memory, I'm like 4, but I guess I was older unless this started in 1978.

What my mom didn't realize was that I was on the porcelain throne. Being a fiend for any new Looney Tunes content, I stood up, opened the door and poked my head out into the hallway to see the commercial.

What failed to occur to me was that in addition to reading, I was in mid-push when my mom called me, and I was so excited that I forgot all about my lower half.

The commercial ended, and I was brought back to reality with the faintest PLOP behind me as something--I'm not saying what, but you already saw this coming--hit the linoleum floor of the bathroom.

"Moooooooooooommmm!" I called, not knowing exactly how to handle the situation.

The mild admonishment I got a minute later--next time, just wait until you're done--was worth the expression on her face when she got a look at the floor.

And thus far--knock on wood--I have not had this problem again.

Yet another distraction

I'm killing a brief portion of my online day by playing Forumwarz, a funny RPG parody that takes place on the Internet.

Between this and Mob Wars on Facebook, it's amazing I get anything done.

The list dwindles

Interestingly, my list of old shows I want to see keeps getting smaller. Today, I stumbled across an episode of the short-lived The Second Hundred Years.

A guy gets frozen in an avalanche in 1900s Alaska, and is revived almost 70 years later, where, as the deep freeze put him in suspended animation, he finds himself younger than his son and about the same age as his grandson.

Yeah, it happens to everyone eventually, right? This playlist has the episode divided into three parts.

Making a list, checking it twice...

Still working on my list of must-see shows, but I have a sample for you. Here's the opening for Supertrain, a flop from 1979 that only lasted a few months. From what I hear, it was basically, like Love Boat on a train.