Happy Earth Day to those of you who live on Earth

In honor of Earth Day, I'm recycling a handful of old posts that

1) you may have missed if you are a new reader, or
2) you haven't been able to read because your cherished printed copy is worn out from re-reading.

The first real entry.

This one and this one. I mentioned offhand that on "The Superfriends," the Wonder Twins didn't touch rings together, despite what everyone else in the free world seemed to remember. Then I got some responses and had to piece together the puzzle.

Lest you doubt me, here is a crappy picture of them initiating the change merely by touching their fingertips.


If I remember correctly, they are being held by a giant robot version of their space monkey Gleek.

The Doodlebops vs. The Wiggles

One of my favorite movies.

More fresh and steaming content on the way...

The Roaring Forties?

I got this week's issue of Star in the mail today.

Shut up, I had frequent flyer miles to cash in before they expired.

Anyway, I'm flipping through it, Tom Cruise, bla-bla, Nick and Jessica, yawn, etc.

In a feature on the return of the fashionable hair band (the accessory, not Whitesnake), I read the following caption:


Forties, Twenties, what's two decades?

This is only my second week of the Star. Last week's issue got a passing grade if just for the picture of Jenna Fischer from "The Office."

That sound you just heard was my wife's eyes rolling.

We'll see if the Star can redeem itself in the weeks to come. I'd like to think I made the right choice spending my points on this magazine instead of The Wall Street Journal or Men's Health.

Ooh, a crossword puzzle...

The Screech of a dying network

On Monday (well, Tuesday morning, technically) at midnight, Cartoon Network is offering the following program to its vast legion of animation enthusiasts:

"Saved by the Bell."

Seriously, what the hell, Cartoon Network?

It's bad enough that sister channel Boomerang, "Your 24-Hour Network for Classic Cartoons," has shows such as "A Pup Named Scooby-Doo," "Baby Looney Tunes" and "Tom and Jerry Kids" on the schedule, but "Saved by the Bell" on Cartoon Network? Really?

For crap's sake, you could just blow the late-night slot with "Cartoon Network's Crappy Cartoon Cavalcade" and give those reruns of "The Gary Coleman Show" and "Chuck Norris Karate Commandos" a breather. God knows there are plenty of crappy cartoons in the collective vaults at Cartoon Network.

Turbo Teen, anyone?

How does this look for Cartoon Network? Well, to quote Bayside's own Jessie Spano, "I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so ... scared!"

(via Cartoon Brew, among others)

More Easter fun

learned very early on that when it came to Easter egg hunts, I just plain sucked. I guess I didn't take it very well. On the back of this picture, my grandmother made the following notation:

Well, surely once I'd started kindergarten, my egg-seeking skills would have improved, right?


Nope.

Happy Easter.

Thanks, Easter Bunny! Bawk-bawk!

Add some music to your day

One of the things I enjoy the most about being a dad is watching my son develop his taste in music.

I'm constantly surprised by what he likes to listen to. He and I spend a lot of our day listening to or playing music, so he's exposed to a lot.

He used to be content laughing at me when I'd sing the high parts of a song, but now he's joining in the fun.

The other day, I was going through some Beach Boys songs, and I played "Dance, Dance, Dance." Brody started rocking out and smiling. By the end of the song, he was singing the "Dance...dance...dance!" part.

When he really likes a song and doesn't know all the words yet, he just will repeat two words over and over to the tune of the song.

It cracks me up listening to him sing the Beatles' "Because." He only knows a few words, but he goes to town on the oohs and ahhs. He also prefers the Elliott Smith version, which I think is pretty cool.

I played Brian Wilson's "Smile" album a lot when Brody was really little, and the first song I saw him take an interest in was the opening track, "Our Prayer." I played it a month or two ago and was surprised when Brody started singing it -- ahh-ing where there was ahh-ing, and ooh-ing where there was ooh-ing.

Even more surprising, he was picking out the bass vocal parts. I would've thought he'd go for the high parts -- wouldn't that be easier for him? He also likes humming the bass lines in other songs.

It pleases me to no end that he'll actually ask to sing or to play "Dance, Dance, Dance." I hope music stays a big part of his life as he gets older.

I'd also like to express my admiration and appreciation for They Might Be Giants. "Here Come the ABCs" is Brody's favorite album, and it's one that both of us can listen to over and over. If you don't already have it, go get it.

Other favorite artists: Harry Nilsson, Paul McCartney, The Wiggles and Franz Ferdinand. You haven't seen funny until you see a 2-year-old singing "Do You Want To."

He likes it! Hey, Mikey!

I love going to the dollar stores because I never know exactly what I might find, whether it's a "BMX Bandits/Evel Knieval" double-feature DVD or a 27-year-old Fotonovel.

This time, it was a special commemorative pack of Pop Rocks. To celebrate 30 years of everyone's favorite soda chaser, we are treated to the packaging from the 70s -- the one I remember so fondly.

It's no "Ice Castles" Fotonovel, but hey, what is, right?

Oh shucks.

I keep seeing ads for GM's "Live Green, Go Yellow" campaign for its FlexFuel vehicles. They're really pushing the corn angle -- not only can you see how many barrels of oil that would be saved annually if you switched, but you can also see how many cobs of corn would be used in its place.

So I was thinking that they might come up with different grades of the fuel. E85 is 85% ethanol and 15% gasoline.

But you know, E85 doesn't really say anything to me. If you want ordinary slobs like me to get the idea, you should come up with a system I can relate to while still hyping the corn element. Maybe stations of the future will look like this:

A fashion connection

Look! The hat version of a mullet. I miss the 80s.

And, no, I didn't have one. I'm surprised they haven't tried bringing these back yet.

(picture swiped from an eBay auction that I didn't bid on)

Birthday wishes

He'd have been one year old today.

That also means that in less than two months, it will be a year since my son Harry died. It seems like both an eternity and a few days ago. We're having a little mini-family vacation this week in Harry's honor. I wanted it to be more of a celebration than a mourning.

So if blogging seems a little light this week, it's not laziness, I promise.

My toes show it

I was tidying up in the old Siftin' archives and came across something I wrote in the early-90s when I could be found occupying the ticket booth at my local theater.

Working box, as it was called, was often fairly solitary. While I sat in the ticket booth, my co-workers manned the concession stand down the hall.

In between shows, there wasn't much to do aside from helping the occasional "When's the next showing of 'Dumb and Dumbler'?" customer.

And no, I didn't misspell that. That's what she asked. She also asked about "Richie Richie" as well as another title that was just so wrong, I'm not going to mention it.

Anyhow, I passed the time by writing. Armed with either a notebook, or scroll-like on a roll of rough and amazingly water-resistant brown paper towels, I scribbled furiously.

One day, much to my amazement, I wrote a poem. Now keep in mind, I'm not a poet at all. My best work up to that point was

Roses are swell

Violets are nifty

I got your valentine

For a quarter at Thrifty

Real poetry was over my head with its use of symbolism and abstract imagery. So when I read what I had written, I wondered just what the hell happened. Did I zone out that much? Was I tripping on the Windex fumes after cleaning the box office window?

Beats me. Even now, a dozen or so years later, I still can't imagine having written it if I didn't have the hard copy in my own writing.

I see references to commercials and Michael Jackson's marriage to Lisa Marie Presley, but everything else is just a mishmash of images, almost like flipping through channels late at night.

If you want to sample this oddity for yourself, have at it. It's long, and I can't say that it's particularly good (I wouldn't really know, honestly), but it is weird, and that's what we're all about at this blog, right? I would like to clarify that I was stone sober when I wrote this (I was at work, after all).

I bask in the glory of my Barka Lounger

Because I'm not a La Z Boy

Overdub a Jack in the Box springing

Or falling or summering — no matter

I sing the words because I can't hum

The darn thing has wings — so I can fly

To my Craftmatic Adjustable Coffin

And sleep restfully forever or at least

Until the Bunch comes back on because

Marcia was the cutest — ow, my nose!

What is that noise trip-trapping at the olfactory?

Could it be Jeno's Pizza Rolls?

And what roles

Do pizzas have?

I guess olive to learn another day.

How do you smell relief?

Just don't light a match

Because only you can prevent forest fires.

I have a not-so-fresh feeling

I should have used a Ziploc bag

Yellow and blue make green, which

Is the whole point of watching anyway

Watch, sleep — perchance to think

Make sure your answer is in the form of

A question? I'm sorry

We have to take your first answer

Because the second one was right

Skinned purple dinosaurs are on

No relief no commercials no hope

This is your brain on drugs...A fried egg

Doing the Humpty Dance. I just hope

It was margarine because butter

PARKAY

Is high in cholesterol

My dog's bigger than your dog

'Cause he eats mailmen who take steroids

A is for anarchy

J is for jenius

Cinnamon toasty, finger-licking good

The Colonel will always have a friend

Wearing big red shoes.

It is the shoes

Start a revolution with Elvis-in-law

Moonwalk through

Turn the other cheek

But don't squeeze the Charmin

Mr. Whipple and Mrs. Olsen got married

Which made for some interesting coffee

They had in France what was the

Name of that waiter — Jean-Luc?

Boldly serving coffee where no one

Has gone to celebrate the

Moments of your life

Send the

Very best to get your z's but avoid

Operating heavy machinery as you

Can learn a lot from a dummy

I love you, you love me, my

Parents were Grimace and Dino

Yabba-Dabba-Does She or

Doesn't she?

Only her plastic surgeon

Nose for sure.

Are you sure? Raise

Your hand if you really think you ought to

And now a word from our sponsor about these

Messages after this

Word we'll be right

Back.

Sorry, Alex.

What is back?

Daily Double Martini, extra dry

Shaken, not stirred

Don't forget the olive

Blow me down.

Sorry, ladies, he's taken

Y'know, I was almost going to let this one go without comment.

For some reason, they were selling tiny stockings in the gumball machines at the store when we were kids. I don't think that was the main draw -- we were probably trying to get one of those giant sticky things that it's fun to smack people with.

At first we were bummed out with our purchase. I mean, what can you do with a tiny stocking?

"I bet you can't fit it over your head," I said to my brother, Josh.

No sooner said than done. The fun part came when he tried to take it off -- and couldn't.

We just had to save this one for posterity.

Now, I don't know what's funnier -- the twin runs in the stocking that line up with his front teeth or his Bear Whiz Beer shirt.

What about the Twinkie?

I saw this at Junk Food Blog, and it made my morning.

I know, it's only a bit after 7 here, but I've been up since 2:30, so there.

Banana Creme Filled Twinkies!

Ever since I found that Twinkies were originally filled with banana creme (I was doing a report on the food groups), I always wondered what that would taste like.

They should be on store shelves now, so we'll see if I can find them and try them out before their limited time is up.

It's a tie-in with the DVD release of "King Kong," which, like every movie since "Batman Begins," I have yet to see.

The last time they had a King Kong movie, the ill-fated "King Kong Lives," with Linda Hamilton, I thought I had the perfect product tie-in.

Pez dispensers.

Check it out -- this is sort of how it could've worked had they consulted me and planned it ahead of time:

1. Early in movie, have a scene where Kong sees a kid with a soldier Pez dispenser. He sees the kid pull the head back and grab some candy. Maybe even throw in a funny reaction from Kong.
2. Later in movie when encountering soldiers, Kong remembers the Pez dispenser. He tries to flip the guy's head back, but there's no candy. Kong sad.

3. Have tie-in dispensers with packs of white and red Pez.

In my defense, I was 12. But you'd definitely remember the movie, wouldn't you?

Where's the love, Paula?

I have issues with "American Idol" judge Paula Abdul. It's not about how she's nice to practically everyone, and it's not about how what she says doesn't always seem to make sense ("... the moth who finds the melon ...").

It's simply this: It's the fifth season of American Idol, and MC Skat Kat has yet to be featured as a celebrity judge.

Has she forgotten about her old friend? I mean, they were in a video together, they collaborated on a song -- doesn't that mean anything?

That's cold-hearted.

He's not goofy, he's my brother

In sixth grade, we all got fake awards at the end of the year. I got one for "Most Interesting Brother," because of all the goofy things I told my classmates about my brother, most of which were actually true.

In that spirit, I thought I would share some of the highlights from time to time.

Today, we'll start with something simple.

For some reason, Josh makes goofy faces in pictures. This is partly because he has a goofy face (rimshot), and partly because I think he wasn't paying attention when someone would whip out the camera.

That's how you get pictures like this:


Yeah, you know, your guess is as good as mine on that one.

Josh would probably tell you that he was slyly flipping the bird, but I'm not buying it.

As easy as 1-2-3

Look at me -- all domestic and stuff.

Just as my wife pretends to see my coveted Nacho Cheese Cheetos on the shelves, I catch her with "Hey, isn't that Jell-O 1-2-3?"

Except when I do it, I'm a jerk.

Well, we were jonesing for some of the aforementioned dessert, so we decided to make it ourselves. Apparently so many people have asked about it that the Kraft Web site actually has a recipe for it.

I made a few modifications -- I used the regular Jell-O and Cool Whip instead of low-calorie. But after a few minutes, this is what I ended up with. On first glance, it looked like I'd made Jell-O 1-2. But if you look close, there's a third layer in the middle. I've labeled them for your convenience.


So you're saying, "That's amazing, Jeff! I am constantly amazed at the seemingly unending list of things at which you excel (with the exception of growing hair, which, as it's not your fault, doesn't count against you). But how did it taste?"

It was pretty good. I don't really have a concrete memory of what it's supposed to taste like, but it tasted like something I'd eaten before, and that was good enough for me. Look, I'm even smiling.

Of course, just after Jen took this picture, I realized that it hadn't quite set yet. But after a little bit in the freezer (I'm impatient, sue me), it was fine.

Since I used the mixed fruit flavor, the bottom layer had a color similar to raw chicken, which was a little disturbing. So let that be a little tip to you -- consider the resulting color when you pick your flavor.

Kick me, I'm Irish

To some people of Irish descent (here in the States, anyway), St. Patrick's Day means corned beef and cabbage and wearing something green.

To me, it means paranoia and a sore arm or leg.

I'm colorblind.

More importantly, my classmates found out that I was colorblind.

"Hey, you're not wearing green!"

"Ow!" I said, recoiling from the pinch. "I am too!"

A flurry of Am Nots and Are Toos got us a debriefing with our teacher, whom I thought would come to my aid.

Alas, she said that I was, in fact, not wearing anything green. Shortly after, my classmates were told that I had trouble telling green from red.

So the next year, when St. Patrick's Day came around again, I made sure I was wearing green.

"Hey, you're not wearing green!"

"Ow!" I said, rubbing my arm where I'd been socked. "I am too wearing green! I even asked this time!"

"How do you know?" Smack!

So yeah, St. Patrick's Day, not so much a happy holiday for me.

Plus, I hate corned beef and cabbage.

The degree of my St. Pat's celebration is limited to driving the snakes from Modesto and imbibing the occasional Shamrock Shake from McDonald's, should I stop at one where they actually know what the hell I'm talking about.

"A what?"

"Shamrock Shake. You know, it's mint-flavored. And green. For St. Patrick's Day."

"I don't think we have that kind of thing here. We have McFlurries."

"Uh, never mind."

"Thank you. I'll have your total at the first window."

This would've been remotely funny had I thought of it before the Oscars

"I wish I could quit you."

Superman or Green Lantern ain't got nothin' on me

This seems to be the kind of thing people who know me think I'd be jumping to do: "Who Wants to Be a Superhero?"

Truth be told, superhero was my first dream job. I have the perfect superhero name -- Sparkman.

Alas, I have two weaknesses standing in my way: a bad knee and about 25 extra pounds. Plus, I'd have to design and sew up a costume, and I don't think anyone wants to see that.

Maybe if this is successful, they'll do another one. Or maybe even "Who Wants to Be a Supervillain?"

That would give me a chance to find another excuse get in shape.

Just don't give away my secret identity, okay?

The Mane Problem 2: Electric Boogaloo

My friend Ken (who has just started a blog) took time from his obviously busy schedule to offer up some hairstyle suggestions. You be the judge:


Mr. T


Jean-Luc Picard


Just plain bald


Charlie Brown


Mr. Clean

Thanks, buddy. At least I didn't ride a unicycle to school.