Make the best of the situation

So I'm listening to Yahoo radio, and "Layla" comes on. I looked at the album title.

Yeah, the song's overplayed and all, but isn't that a bit harsh? After all, Eric Clapton is also the guy who gave us "It's In the Way That You Use It" from the soundtrack to "The Color of Money."

Hmm ... maybe not.

What a wookiee!

Man, let's just add one more thing to the list of things Chewbacca has done that I haven't. Kick a guy while he's down, why don't you?

But then again, bloggers don't pull people's arms out of their sockets when they lose. Wookiees are known to do that.

(via Fark)

Dumb idea du jour of the day

Like I've said before, I get lots of things floating through my head. Some, like Jell-O breast implants (safe, moldable, and hey, there's always room for Jell-O), are not such great ideas.

Some are dumb ideas with a spark of novelty. You be the judge.

My idea: a waffle iron with changeable iron plates. Each plate has a maze on it that kids can try to solve by pouring syrup on the path of their choice. To avoid getting too tired of the same maze, there are different mazes on the plates that fit into the iron.

Obvious problems: If you suck at mazes, your waffle is ice cold by the time you're done.

But as a novelty item, who knows?

The name would be something like The A-maze-ing Waffle Maker. One of my super powers is the ability to come up with a catchy if inane name for products.

I saw a commercial for a product called UrineGone. It's supposed to help clean up pet pee incidents, although they make a point to mention that it works for people, too. The announcer says the name of the product at least 30 times in just a minute or two, and each time, the name sounds lamer and lamer.

Instead of UrineGone, isn't PissAway a better name? Not only does it describe the product, but it's also indicative of what you're doing with your money when you buy it.

Hella-ween

Halloween is only a month away, and Jen and I are trying to figure out what Brody should dress up as.

More accurately, I'm looking for something I like that I can talk her into.

Fortunately, as Brody is becoming a rugged he-man, she's not pushing for the cute little pea pod costume. Last year he was a puppy, complete with cute-but-mildly-disturbing dog head/hood.

Much to my surprise, he didn't rip the hood off. He wasn't big on things covering his head then. Now, everything's a hat.

Brody plops a shoe on my head.

"Hat! H!"

The H is because Mr. Man wants to know that I know that he knows his alphabet. As if I could forget. Instead of regular 2-year-old babble, I get to hear "ABCDEFG," etc., all day long.

Not that much of a complaint, really; I mean, he's 2 and he knows the alphabet already. He should be teaching his uncle.

So back to the whole costume thing.

I saw a nifty Batman costume at Target that looked like it would fit him. For his first Halloween, I thought this Spider-Man costume would be cool, but I knew he wouldn't wear the mask. I'm pretty sure they Photoshopped the mask on the kid in the picture.

I don't think it's the right size, but how cool/bizarre is this?

I didn't see this one at the store, but I'd be surprised if there's a kid dragging his parents to the Halloween costumes bellowing "I wanna be Thor!" This one is equally obscure (maybe less, thanks to the Justice League Unlimited cartoon), but at least it's not Thor.

And speaking of odd Halloween costumes, you have to check this out. Just for the Rubik's Cube costume alone.

Target's Web site has some interesting names for the costumes. As if Batman and Robin haven't endured enough gender-related pondering, here's the costume they offer for Batman's sidekick. Robyn? What's this hero's secret identity? Ann Drogynous?

Obviously, they haven't been forced had the privilege of watching The Wiggles. Unless Sword is his last name...

And I'm sorry, but this is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

Professor Jeff's Planet Facts

• Uranus is the seventh planet from the sun.


• Uranus rotates sideways.


• Uranus has rings.


• Uranus has 27 moons.


• The atmosphere on Uranus contains hydrogen, helium, methane, ammonia, ethane, acetylene, carbon monoxide and hydrogen sulfide.

and sadly,

"Careful pronunciation may be necessary to avoid embarrassment; say 'YOOR a nus,' not 'your anus' or 'urine us.'"

Once again, facts get in the way of high comedy.

Modesto hits the big time

Today's Modesto sighting comes to us courtesy of the comic strip Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis.

Lincoln, Lincoln, I've been thinkin', what the heck have I been drinkin?

I scored some new Jones Sodas at Target last week. They are Halloween-themed Target exclusives.

And coolest of all, they're in the little half-size cans.

I have a love-hate relationship with miniature versions of familiar products. On one hand, it's nice to have a smaller portion.

On the other hand, it messes with my sense of perception. I got Ritz Bits in my lunch when they were still a new phenomenon and thought that I had grown to Brobdingnagian proportions. Looking around, I noticed that I was still shorter than my peers and assumed that my new power was only evident when compared to snack crackers.

Plus, I had a lot of cough syrup that morning. But I digress.

The sodas come in four flavors: Candy Corn, Caramel Apple, Strawberry S'Lime and Scary Berry Lemonade.

Being the brave person I am -- plus I wanted to be a giant again -- I bought a four-pack of each and sampled them.

First tip: Make sure they are chilled. Warm soda is no fun, and in the case of Dr Pepper could be dangerous.

I drank a Dr Pepper that had been sitting in the car in the heat and I swear I almost burned my tongue off. Play it safe -- use ice.

Anyway, I tried Candy Corn first. One of the local grocery stores has offered a red licorice soda through their house brand line of sodas. It was actually pretty good, and it tasted remarkably like red licorice. Would Candy Corn live up to my expectations?

Well, yes and no. Thankfully, it wasn't as sweet as it could have been, but it didn't really hit me with the "Oh, this totally tastes like candy corn" realization I was hoping for.

It does taste a bit like candy corn. It has a kind of caramelly overtaste with hints of citrus in the background.

Look at me, I sound like a wine snob.

Caramel Apple was also not as sweet as I had feared and was pretty good. The caramel element was quite light, giving it a taste very close to Jones' Green Apple soda. Still, pretty tasty.

Strawberry S'Lime was OK. I usually get strawberry limeades when I go to Sonic, so I was a little disappointed that this didn't have the same bite I associate with this flavor pairing.

Scary Berry Lemonade was my least favorite. It wasn't particularly scary, I must say, and if not for the Halloween-themed can, wouldn't really stand out very much.

Jones Soda has in the past come up with a turkey-and-gravy flavored soda, so by comparison, these Halloween offerings are quite tame. I'm a little surprised they didn't try pumpkin.

At least now I can say that I drank four cans of soda in only a few minutes.

Alas, poor 'Head Cases'

Wow, that was fast.

The Fox comedy "Head Cases," with Chris O'Donnell and Adam Goldberg, has been canceled after only two episodes.

I'm trying to make my way through the new season, with little luck. My ability to remember to Tivo things is just as good as it was when I had to rely on my VCR. I forgot about "My Name is Earl" until it was almost over. I had just gotten back from Del Taco (minus an order of fries -- fie!) and turned it on.

Gregg Binkley, who plays Dan the Del Taco Guy in commercials, was in the episode, which was a strange coincidence.

I managed to catch "The Office," only because it came on right afterward.

I forgot to record "Everybody Hates Chris," and I have yet to watch the season premiere of "CSI."

This, after I managed to get a copy of the Fall Preview edition of TV Guide.

Hey, TV programmers, free ideas!

Well, the new fall TV season is well under way; by the end of the week, I expect to have a backlog of stuff to watch.

I've learned to not get too attached to shows this early. It's usually much better if I catch a show after it's already started.

Scrubs, for example, I didn't catch until just before the second season started. If I had liked it from the first episode, it likely would've been canceled.

As it is, NBC saw fit to leave this Emmy-nominated show off the fall schedule, penciling it in as a midseason replacement. Why? Because they found out I liked it, that's why. I'd be willing to bet, though, I don't have to wait that long before it's on again. I'm sure at least one of NBC's new shows will bomb in only a few weeks.

That's fairly common these days. But 20-25 years ago, your show had to suck spectacularly to get axed that quickly. Manimal lasted for two full months. Manimal! B.J. and the Bear lasted more than two years and gave birth to a spin-off!

I think TV Land or someone should have a show that spotlights TV's failures. Stick it in a late-night timeslot, but just cycle through 60 years of misfires. I'm sure they can spare one rerun slot to accommodate this. I'd bet it would be popular with those weirdoes who are fascinated by bad movies and TV.

Trio has shown shows under their "Brilliant But Canceled" umbrella, which is cool to a certain extent.

To my way of thinking, that's almost like rubbing salt in the wound: Here's a show that was really good, and it got canceled for no good reason.

It's more interesting to me to see these train wrecks that someone actually put on the schedule; someone thought it was a good enough show to be seen by the viewing audience.

I'd use a special and a mini-marathon to kick it off. The special could highlight the variety of shows and the various reasons they got canceled. The mini-marathon would consist of the quickest-canceled shows – the crème de la crap, so to speak. If these shows are too bad to bear, you could have behind-the-scenes information, a la Pop-Up Video to keep people watching.

Here are my picks for what's on the special (in countdown order; feel free to imagine Casey Kasem reading this part):

3. Co-ed Fever

"Inspired" by the success of National Lampoon's Animal House, this frat comedy premiered and ended on Feb. 4, 1979. It starred David Keith (who I think should star in a movie with Keith David), Heather Thomas and Hamilton Camp, who also appeared in one other show in the countdown.

2. You're in the Picture

A game show starring Jackie Gleason, this famously bombed after its initial episode, prompting Gleason to apologize to the audience on the next show. I always thought that was pretty cool. Did anyone apologize for Manimal? I didn't think so.

1. Turn-On

I must see this show someday. I finally saw a few clips of it when Trio had a special on canceled shows, but I want to see the whole thing.

On Feb. 5, 1969 (almost 10 years to the day Co-ed Fever premiered), this Laugh-In-esque show (it was also from Laugh-In producers George Schlatter and Ed Friendly) featured guest Tim Conway and a collection of skits and blackouts. One of the other people on the show was Hamilton Camp, who would later be on Co-ed Fever. That's got to be some kind of record in itself.

The first episode fared so poorly, I've read, that some ABC affiliates canceled the show in the middle of broadcast.

Wow.

That would've been interesting. I wonder how that looked. Did they cut to a different program or cite "technical difficulties"? Did Jackie Gleason come out to take back his apology for You're in the Picture?

Those aren't the only shows that were canceled after only one episode, but I think those would be the most interesting to watch, just to get some kind of glimmer as to what went wrong.

Did you hear about the new pirate movie?

As I'm sure you all well know, today is International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

I feel as though I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't suggest you annoy the bejeebus out of your co-workers by talking like a pirate all day.

Unless you have a big presentation.

Well, maybe even then.

My pirate name is:

Morty Rackham

You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

And just so you're not left hanging:

The pirate movie?

It's rated Arrrrr!

Hey, kids! Comics!

I haven't written much about comic books, which is a little odd, as I've been collecting them since I was really little.

Of course, in the early days, the comics were an occasional treat -- people knew I liked superheroes and would pick up a comic if they happened to pass a rack and wanted to get me something.

My dad brought us home a few comics from a trip he went on, and that was pretty cool. They were all Marvels (I was a staunch DC kid), so it took me a little bit longer to figure out what was happening because I didn't know Thor or the Avengers as well as I did Superman or the Justice League of America.

But once I turned about 8, I really started getting interested. It helped that the local comic shop at the time, Quake Comics, also has a sizable selection of paperbacks. My dad is a voracious reader, and we were both able to find cool stuff by going there.

Eventually, they phased out the paperbacks, and my brother and I started digging through all the back issues, marveling (so to speak) at the old comics from previous decades.

"12 cents for a comic!" we'd say. Because comics by then were a lot more expensive. I believe they were making the transition from 65 to 75 cents. To this day, I can multiply by 75 without having to do much thinking. For a measly six bucks, you could get eight comic books.

Now you're lucky to get two or three for that much.

Aside from the insanely goofy covers and interiors, my brother and I liked old comics because they smelled good. I don't know if you've ever smelled an old comic book (I'm referring to anything up through the mid- to late '70s), but it's one of those things that you never forget. It's similar to the smell used bookstores often have -- the almost sweet smell that gets stronger the closer the pages come to your nose.

By the time I hit junior high school, we tried to hit the comic store every week. Even now I think of Wednesday as New Comics Day. We'd moved by then, and while there wasn't a comic shop in our new hometown, if we were willing to drive 25 minutes to Modesto, we could pick up everything we wanted.

In fact, almost 20 years later, I go to the same store. Except now I bring my son with me. He's only 2, but he knows who Superman, Wonder Woman and Batman are.

Even if he calls all of them "Am-pan" (Batman).

He's hooked already. My job is done.

Down in the park

I've always pushed the edge of the whole "there's no such thing as a stupid question" thing.

The problem is that I have all these things running through my head and unless I say them, there's not really any way to get them to stop.

Unless I write them down.

My brother and I were talking about Great America a few weeks ago. Neither of us have been in a while, and we lamented the loss of many of the cool rides we enjoyed when we were younger.

We found all kinds of information about the park, courtesy of this very cool site.

I vaguely recalled that there was a sister Great America park, but my brother and I were intrigued to find that the sister park, in Gurnee, Ill., still has many of the inaugural Great America rides.

The Whizzer, which closed at our GA in 1988, was the first roller coaster I ever rode on. According to the site, it's still running in Gurnee.

Josh and I have penciled in a tentative road trip to Gurnee in the near future.

This got me to thinking. Theme parks aren't very, well, theme-ey anymore. Not around here, anyway. Aside from the old school Great America, we had Frontier Village, but that closed when I was a kid and I only vaguely recall having been there. I might not have.

Now it's just a collection of rides. Cool rides, to be sure, but there's no unifying theme.

This is where the idea thing I was talking about earlier comes in.

What's a theme that hasn't been done?

The human body.

You could get all kinds of funding from pharmaceutical companies, which, to be honest, could use some positive p.r., right? Each ride could have brief educational displays that you can read while you're waiting in line. And of course, the park would be divided into different areas. I can't decide if it shoulid be divided by location or by type of process. Oh, well.

Off the top of my head, here are some ride ideas:

The Centrifuge

A lot of these are existing types of rides that are redressed to fit in with the theme. Here we have a Gravitron-like ride in which the riders are the test tubes that need to be spun around. This could work with a ride like Orleans Orbit, with test-tube-style passenger cars, but that ride makes me ill (the only ride to ever make me feel queasy).

Ah-choo!

You know those bungee rocket rides they show people freaking out in on America's Funniest Home Videos? This ride simulates the speed of the human sneeze. Your capsule, which could be decked out to look alternately like pollen or cat dander or something, rockets you and a friend at roughly Mach 3 (the speed, not the razor) into the air before you land safely at the launch pad.

Nutrition Express

Not as much of a ride as a park transportation system, the Nutrition Express is carrying nutrients (and passengers) to different parts of the body. Each station would have an appropriate name, like "The Bloodstream," "The Heart" or something not lame.

Down the Hatch

A freefall ride where you and a few friends are food or drink going down the esophagus. The main structure of the ride represents a magnified section of someone's throat. Maybe they could put a facade on it that would look like a person. They could call him Perry Stalsis or something.

Borborygmus

A dark ride in which passengers are inside the stomach, twisting, turning and churning. Coincidentally, this ride is most likely to make you sick to your stomach. But that's OK, because it's got a really cool name.

Impulse

A really fast roller coaster in which riders are part of the central nervous system. It could be advertised as "Impulse: A ride with real action potential." This could be one of the fastest coasters in the area and would likely be the biggest draw in the park.

The Log Ride

I'm not even touching this one.

You get the idea. I think with a good assortment of rides, this isn't that far-fetched of an idea. The vaguely educational aspect would work well with school field trips. And can you imagine the kinds of mascots you could have running around the park?

Get your picture taken with Colon Farrell or Urethra Franklin!

If any theme park desginer types want to use this idea, all I ask for is decent compensation and lifetime passes for my family.

Oh, and a Log Ride hat would be cool, too.

'A Dracula on Drugs!'

It's time for Bad Movies A to Z again. Now we're up to B. At this breakneck pace, I should be done by the time my son finishes college.

My brain went into shock the first time I read about today's movie. I've seen lots of bad and obscure movies, and I thought I'd seen just about everything within my favorite genres.

Shows you how much I know.


Today's movie in a nutshell: It's really hard to sum this movie up in one pithy comment. The folks at Something Weird Video (God bless their little hearts for making stuff like this available on DVD) bill this flick as "The world's only turkey-monster/anti-drug/
pro-Jesus/gore film!"

The cover box for the VHS version, which I tracked down on eBay a few years ago, had the less accurate "A Dracula on Drugs!"

With this kind of billing, how could "Blood Freak" do anything but dazzle the viewer?

You'd better get comfortable. And I should point out that this movie is not for kids. With a name like "Blood Freak," you'd think that this is a given, but now you can't say I didn't warn you.

The story: When I first saw this, it was an old VHS edition. The colors were washed out, and it was really hard to see or hear much of anything. The DVD edition is quite an improvement, but there's only so much you can do with an almost 35-year-old movie that, quite frankly, wasn't at the top of any film preservation society's lists.

"The sun shone bright in the blue Florida sky, and Herschell, as was his wont, cruised the highways on his bike. After the horrors he'd experienced in the war, sometimes he just needed to get out in the fresh air.

That's when he met Angel."

-- an excerpt from the nonexistant novelization of "Blood Freak," written about two minutes ago

Herschell (Steve Hawkes, he of the thick, Michael Landonish locks) is a buffed out-of-work Vietnam vet who meets Angel, a pretty young woman whose car breaks down. He stops to look at her car, and just his mere presence seems to heal the ailing auto.

The two drive off together, during what, judging from the camera work, is a minor earthquake.

Note to aspiring filmmakers: If you can't afford a tripod and crafting one is out of the question, you might want to avoid shooting in the back of a pickup on the freeway.

Herschell and Angel arrive at Angel's place, which I guess she shares with her bad-seed sister, Ann. Angel is a polite, church-going woman. Ann, not so much. In Angel's absence, Ann has thrown what looks like a combination drug/Tupperware party. I'm pretty sure that's against Tupperware policy.

It's hard to figure out just what's going on. There's a group of people around the table who appear to be snorting Chapstick. Off in another part of the room, there's Guy the Drug Dealer, who is hanging out with who I assume is his girlfriend. On the couch is the nice guy who runs a poultry ranch.

In what passes for conversation in this movie, Herschell rebuffs the advances of Guy's girlfriend. Here's a sample:

"You shouldn't be acting this way with me. Especially when you are with someone else."

"You must be putting me on. Guy doesn't mind if I like someone else. He wouldn't even mind if I went to bed with you."

"I just don't go for a girl that acts like a tramp. Even if she's very beautiful."

Oh, snap!

This decision will come to haunt Herschell later.

Meanwhile, Angel is bringing the whole party down for Ann. Ann's friends, Bob (who looks like Stifler with a Hulk Hogan 'stache) and Doris (who doesn't), ask Ann about the Bible. Doris sounds interested. And so does Bob.

"Anything she can dig, I can dig."

While Herschell and Angel rap about the Bible, Ann is trying to put the moves on him. She is a classy lady. When Herschell chooses to continue Bible study with Angel, Ann is hurt and heads to Guy to get some "stuff." Guy suggests slipping Angel something, but Ann refuses. She has principles. Or principle. So they decide to give it to Herschell instead.

Punctuating the movie are bits of commentary from our narrator (co-director Brad Grinter), who looks like a drunken combination of Mr. Brady and Vincent Price. Since we can't rely on the actual movie to provide the exposition, we have this guy, who sits at a desk in front of some wood paneling.

We're introduced to him here, and he says two words before lighting up his smoke. His pauses are supposed to come off as dramatic, I suppose, but they look an awful like he lost his place in the script.

Herschell and Ann hang out with Poultry Ranch Guy. Sorry for the lack of specifics, but I didn't catch many of the characters' names. I don't think they were throwing them, either. He could be Angel and Ann's dad for all I know. Or their mom.

Herschell mentions that he needs a job.

"That's easy. I could use a husky man like you out at my poultry ranch, if you can wait until next week."

"What would I be doing?"

"Just general work until we find where you fit in with the operation."

As bad as that reads, it's worse when it sounds as if it's being read off a cue card.

Man, I could use a Tylenol right about now.

Angel says Herschell can crash with her until he finds his own place. The next day, while he's working on the pool, Ann comes out in her bikini.

She produces a funny-looking cigarette from a bandage container and lights up. She offers it to Herschell, who just says no. Then she stumbles upon his weakness.

Just like Marty McFly, Herschell can't stand being accused of being a chicken. Sadly, Ann uses the word "coward" instead of "chicken," which would've been more appropriate. Mr. "I'm not a coward" buckles like a belt and samples the devil weed. They erupt into a fit of unconvincing giggling.

Herschell now has a monkey on his manly back. He also ends up in bed with Ann. And just as the romantic guitar music begins to swell, we're interrupted by the narrator, still smoking a cig.

"Amen!" He talks about temptation and falling into predictable paths and sums his mini-sermon up with a hearty "Right on."

It's the next day, and since Ann didn't set the alarm clock, Herschell's almost late for his first day of work.

Cut to the poultry ranch. We get some establishing shots of Herschell (in shades borrowed from Elvis) talking to the turkeys, which is good in case we weren't paying attention 10 seconds ago.

Herschell is introduced to two guys in white coats. He can get some extra scratch by helping with some "experiments."

Lenny and Gene, the scientists at the poultry ranch -- who look about as much like scientists as I do a fitness model -- are working on some kind of project that involves giving drugs to turkeys. I don't know if they're spiking their feed or giving them little turkey joints or what, but there's some kind of experimentation afoot.

Herschell's new gig is to sample some of the meat from the doctored turkeys to make sure that it's safe for people to eat, a job that's roughly equivalent to Daffy Duck testing artillery shells by hitting them with a mallet.

Even better, they offer him some drugs in addition to the money as "an extra added bonus." He is to commence chowdown the next morning. Till then, he chases around turkeys.

Alas, they could only secure about 5 seconds of turkey gobbling sound, so they looped it to stretch it out, which is annoying in the same way that finding the pattern in your "Soothing Rainfall" bedside sound maker is. All you hear is the edit seam.

But on the plus side, looped turkey noise doesn't begin to sound more and more like bacon frying the longer you hear it.

After work, Herschell acts like he's passing a kidney stone the size of a Buick. Ann calls Guy the Drug Dealer, who shows up with more "stuff." Our newly junkied hero goes in for some two-fisted smoking, the likes of which unseen since "Reefer Madness." He realizes he's hooked and works out a deal with Guy by threatening to "break every bone in (his) miserable body" and throwing him to the floor.

Guy hears the voice of God (or more likely, the director) say "Get up slowly," right before the scene cuts. That's a nice touch.

The next morning, it's breakfast time. Gene (or Lenny, I don't know which one is which) gives him the bird. Turkey, anyway. Since Herschell is flying high, this is actually perfect for him because he's got a wicked case of the munchies.

Faster than you can say "4:20," he inhales the platter of turkey, shoveling it in with gusto, even though there was no stuffing or cranberry sauce. But he's obviously not picky, as he's eating turkey outside near a turkey pen. Ick.

The turkey must not agree with him. He stumbles away and falls over. A quick fadeout and then he's dreaming that he's Joe Cocker in concert, judging from the convulsions he's having.

Gene (or Lenny) sees the prone chucklehead and looks like he's going to help. Another fadeout.

I guess Gene (or Lenny) changed his mind, because they're both getting chewed out by Poultry Ranch Guy.

"So why did you take him out and dump him? Don't we have enough trouble in these experiments without taking the chance on a murder charge? All we did was to give this guy some turkey."

An abrupt cut and Ann is telling Bob that Herschell was gone all night.

Back at the ranch, Gene and Lenny are planning to leave town to avoid the fuzz. We also find that Gene is the big one and Lenny is the bespectacled one with the goatee.

Herschell is still convulsing. We see him from the legs down as he stumbles to his feet. Then I can't tell what is going on because it's dark. Wait a sec.

Oh, it's Ann's bedroom. She hears a noise and wakes up to see --



THE GIANT PAPIER-MACHE TURKEY HEAD OF DOOM!!!!!

Yes, Herschell's head is now a big turkey head. He can't speak, so he hands Ann a note asking for help. She looks at him. At first she's concerned. Will the effect wear off? Ever?

But her concern lasts about as long as her virginity probably did.

"Boy, Herschell, you sure are ugly."

He gobbles in protest, and she apologizes. Then it's more concerned rambling.

"What would the children think of their father looking like...that. My God, what would the children look like? What would they think? Would they look like their father? Herschell, what are you doing?"

I thought he was going to kill her at this point. That's usually what people in movies say before they get it. Oh my, how wrong I was.

"Oh, Herschell..."

That sound you hear is this movie hitting the very bottom of the barrel.

How can we go on from inferred hot turkey love? After Ann calls Angel for help, it's time for the narrator again.

This time, it's about how when things have turned bad for people, then they turn to God. I don't know if that was deliberate planning to put it right after this part of the movie, but it's a strange coincidence, because I was praying that things wouldn't get any worse.

This mini-sermon is dubbed over Herschell's confrontation with Ann and Angel. The one part that might've had some kind of drama, naturally.

Bob and his friend Jim come over and find out that Herschell is there. Ann tells them that he's changed, but they don't believe her until he walks out.

We don't find out what their reactions are because the scene shifts to the turkey who walks like a man. He heads to Guy's place and makes checks out Guy and his girlfriend. Every time something scary happens, the same orchestral sting is used.

Every time. That's the only way I stay awake to find out whats going on.

So while Herschell is making snacks of other druggies, Bob and Jim are aiming to take him down. Ann is distraught that Herschell will never be the same again. She reluctantly agrees that he must be stopped.

When Herschell offs some random guy, the guy's pal takes revenge and I think stabs him in one of his beady turkey eyes.

Guy is now with Ann and invites who I think is his supplier, to whom he owes money. He comes up $75 short, so he offers him Ann. Both guy and his supplier are extremely skeevy, and when he attacks Ann, Herschell's turkey-sense goes off. Said supplier beats feet when he sees our turkey-headed hero.

But scaring him away is not enough. He chases him into a workshop where there is a giant saw that is the focus of every interior shot. I wonder what's coming next...

Yup. Lays him out on the saw and takes off a leg. This is a pretty decent effect, mainly because the guy playing the supplier appears to be missing part of his leg in real life.

Of course, this decent effect comes an hour and seven minutes into the movie, so it's really a small achievement.

Herschell collapses in a field and clasps his hands together as if praying. Looming in from the side are Bob and Jim, who dispatch Herschell with one swoop of a machete. People are seen eating a bunch of turkey from a platter that has Herschell's turkey head on it.

The end, right?

Sigh. Spoilers ahead. If you don't want to know the end, don't read any further.

Still here, huh? OK.

Herschell wakes up in the field that he collapsed in just after eating the doctored turkey. Poultry Ranch Guy finds him and asks if he's OK. Apparently, when Herschell was in the service, he was burned badly and got hooked on pain meds.

Wow. Poultry Ranch Guy's name is Tom Nolan. Way to introduce the characters, eh?

Tom contacts Ann, who works at a drug center. She calls Ann to tell her that they found Herschell. Ann cops to giving him bad drugs she got from Guy.

Angel picks up Herschell and apologizes on Ann's behalf. She encourages Herschell to pray for faith to get through his addiction.

Aw, jeez. The narrator again.

After he talks about the perils of ingesting chemicals, he sums up thusly:

"So, let's give a little thought to making our own story -- cough-cough-- have a happy ending. Cough-cough-hack-hack-cough-cough."

Herschell and Ann reunite on a pier. They are happy together. And now, 80 minutes after we started, it's finally over. No end credits except "The End."

Afterthoughts: Where do you start? I looked at the liner notes and found out that Steve Hawkes, our hero, had been badly burned while making a Spanish Tarzan film. As you can imagine, his medical bills left him without much money. Co-director Brad Grinter, who'd directed "Flesh Feast," Veronica Lake's filmic swan song, worked with Hawkes on this film.

When funding ran out, the pair had to cobble together the movie on their own, and this is the result.

Hawkes later opened a private animal sanctuary. It was in the news a year or so ago when one of his tigers escaped and was killed.

So really, when you find out what was going on behind the scenes, you are a little impressed that it got made. Not that it's a cinematic triumph, mind you. As much as everyone caps on Ed Wood and his films, they at least had heart. You could tell Ed loved movies.

This film doesn't have heart so much as a sense of desperation. It fails on almost every level of competent filmmaking, but it got done and somebody saw it. That's got to count for something. And though its brief running time seems a lot longer, it really is fascinating to watch.

My description, overlong as it is, is no substitute for actually seeing it. You really have to see it to believe that this exists.

So that's two down in Bad Movies A to Z. I am relatively confident that the next one won't be as much of a, uh, turkey, as this one was.

Sorry.

Let TV Guide help you decide

With the knowledge that the TV Guide I grew up with will be no more come next month, I thought it might be kind of fitting to pick up the last Fall Preview issue.

Alas, my trip to the grocery store was fruitless -- aside from a box of Waffle Crisp, the latest Readymade magazine and some cumin (which should've been ground, not seed, I later discovered).

When I bought TV Guide every week, it hit the racks every Tuesday. But here it was Wednesday, and only empty racks. I mentioned this to my brother and he said that they come out later now.

Hopefully I'll remember to get one before the next one comes out.

I have many fond memories of the mystery and wonder that each new fall season brought. Keep in mind that you didn't have full-blown summer seasons back then. I don't remember that happening until Beverly Hills, 90210.

You knew that it was coming, because school had just started and you were getting used to everyone's new haircuts and finding new ways to make yourself look stupid with school supplies.

At the end of most daytime program summaries was a note to the effect of "Last show in series. Next week, The Superfriends will air in this time slot." That's how you knew that next week would be the week.

After an eternal wait, the mighty Fall Preview issue, with its extra color pages, hit the stands. And I had to study it to make sure I knew of all the lineup changes as well as promising new shows.

"Dude, check it out! Did you read about Manimal? That's going to be rad!"

OK, I probably didn't say "rad," but it sounds much better than "dudical," which is something I distinctly remember saying back then.

Each new show had a page devoted to it, with requisite cheesy cast photo and brief synopsis. Occasionally, there would be a show that didn't have information because no episodes were available for review.

Even at age 8, I knew that was bad news.

A book I got from the library the other day, "What Were They Thinking?: The 100 Dumbest Events in Television History," has an entry on NBC's 1983 fall lineup. That's number 55: "NBC pitches a no-hitter."

The shows: Manimal, Mr. Smith, Boone, The Bay City Blues, For Love and Honor, We Got It Made, The Rousters, The Yellow Rose and Jennifer Slept Here.

Out of those nine, I remember three: the aforementioned Manimal, We Got It Made and Jennifer Slept Here. Manimal lasted two months, Made went for six, and Jennifer appears to have made a whole season.

I remember these as being pretty lame, so what does that say about the others?

The book, by the way, is tres cool, and you should pick it up.

I'm curious to see what the new TV Guide will be like -- I have a bad feeling it's going to look a lot like US Weekly, People, etc.

I noticed something at the drugstore the other day, too. It struck me a little odd. It was a protective plastic cover to keep your TV Guide nice and safe. I didn't scrutinize it, but it appeared to be a TV Guide-licensed product, with the logo and everything.

So did they have a bunch of these laying around a warehouse or are they hoping people aren't paying attention?

Lend a hand

I've added a link to some Katrina-related charities that folks can make donations to in the links on the right.

With all of the misery going on down there, cracking wise about pop culture seemed a little lame. But updates will resume shortly.

In the meantime, here's where you can find tons of charities that could use your help.

Wow.

I just read that there are plans for a movie version of Battle of the Network Stars.

The movie's plot, the article says, will "revolve around a disgraced network exec who must claw his way back to respectability by winning the contest."

I'm excited about this movie for one reason: to promote it, it's a good chance that a DVD release of the old BotNS shows could hit the shelves.

I hope. I don't know if there'd be a lot of rights clearance issues to solve before putting it out on disc, but if they do, I'd be willing to pick it up.

I haven't watched The Battle of the Network Reality Stars yet, but I think I Tivo'd one of them.

I saw a handful of the original shows on Trio a year or two ago, and it surprised me exactly how much I'd remembered from watching them as a kid.

One of the most vivid memories I had of the show was seeing Dallas' Charlene Tilton in the dunking booth. I was only 4 or 5 when I saw it, so I thought I'd pretty much hallucinated the image, but after seeing the show again, I found that I was right.

And now I've got it on video. W00t!

And speaking of gratuitous, in another episode, there's a profile on Lynda Carter that shows her keeping in shape for her role on Wonder Woman by JUMPING ON A TRAMPOLINE.

Also, now in my video collection.

These kinds of things are undoubtedly what lead to Saturday Night Live's parody commercial for The Network Battle of the T's and A's.

The thing I think is really interesting is not so much seeing stars before they were really famous, although that's cool (David Letterman on Battle?). I like seeing the "Who is that?" actors and actresses. I have a good memory for TV shows of the 70s and 80s, but even I had no idea who some of these people were.

If this movie actually gets made, I have no idea. But if it does, can a big-screen version of Circus of the Stars be far behind?

(via TV Tattle)

This just occurred to me: There has been a Richard Hatch on both the original Stars and the Reality Stars. One from Battlestar Galactica (although he might've been on The Streets of San Francisco at the time) and one from Survivor. Eerie, huh?

You're older than you've ever been and now you're even older...

Started up the old laptop today and saw that the date was Jan. 1, 1601. It's old, but I had no idea...

Hail to the King, baby

I saw this morning at Dial B for Blog that Jack "The King" Kirby, legendary comic creator, was born on this day in 1917. His contributions to the world of comic books are immense.

One of the things that always blew me away about him was the machinery you'd see on the pages. Impossible-looking things that looked alien and futuristic.

He also designed Herbie the Robot for the 1978 Fantastic Four cartoon, which is one of the few nice things I can say about Herbie.

Out of all the things he did, the first comic I bought with my own money that had Jack Kirby artwork was Super Powers #4 (of a 5-part mini-series that tied in with the then-current line of Kenner action figures). And even then it was just the cover.

Wotta revolting development.

The e-mail of the species

Some of the people who have e-mailed me -- or more specifically, who have ended up in my spam folder:

Lucy Hand -- the subject line was "Rolex Pimp," which, as Dave Barry might say, would make a great name for a rock band.
Clobber B. Hairless
Carouses G. Reinvented
Deluged U. Dug
Replacement Window Professionals
Complimentary Cruise -- Tom's cousin, maybe?
Radoslav Mcgrath -- Hey, I think he's the co-host of Extra or something
Bread Nielsen
Bamboo Flooring Resources
Tattooed B. Pitied
Reroute F. Hankers

and my personal favorite, Diaper Blowout, which to someone in marketing, may indicate a big sale on diapers. But to a parent, it usually means "No more quiche for the kid."

And on a semi-related note, was that a flatulence joke I saw in For Better or For Worse this morning?

Everything's Archie...

This should come as no great shock, but I always identified with Jughead more than Archie.

Not because I didn't like girls (I did).

And not because I loved to eat (I don't, particularly).

Nor did I wear the funky crown (They haven't been on sale for about 50 years).

But Jug was the oddball outsider friend. And that's me in a nutshell. Plus, if I were ever in the position of having to choose between a gorgeous-but-impossibly-high-maintenance rich brunette and a beautiful-and-incredibly thoughtful blonde, it would be a quick decision.

Yep, I'd go for Betty. It breaks tradition of my preference for brunettes (especially ones with glasses), but how can you not like Betty?

Veronica seemed so much better suited for Reggie. Reggie was a schmuck of the highest caliber, but he was always more concerned with appearances and material things.

Plus, he had a weird laugh.


Yok! Yok! Who laughs like that?

My brother and I inherited a giant stack of circa-1970s Archie books, which have sadly gone the way of Boba Fett into the Sarlaac pit. I've gone through what little Archie stuff I had, but I couldn't find evidence of the "Yok! Yok!" that my brother and I had made fun of so much.

But at a random stop I made yesterday to a library book store, I scored almost 20 different Archie books, and in one of the last ones in the stack, I found it. Proof that I wasn't hallucinating it.